Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Who Do You Talk to When You Can Talk to No One

So I have this thing, and it keeps bugging me. And bugging me. And bugging me. It simply won’t go away - looks like it settled inside my brain for a long time. Day after day, month after month I am circling in the same pattern of thinking without getting anywhere. If only I could spell it out just like I do with everything that’s bothering me. But in this case it’s a taboo, closed topic, partially out of my determination, partially out of delicacy of the situation.

I’ve thought of a number of people who I could share it with for the sake of getting some relief. I’ve actually done a mental exercise of “telling” the story to someone: imagined what words I would use, anticipated the reaction. But it didn’t go beyond the rehearsal because I am pretty certain that I will never have the courage to actually say those words. And I will never find the right person to share it with. And I will never get the right reaction. And I will never get relief I seek. So what should I do to ease this burden?

There is a solution to everything but in this case it seems like letting the matter dissolve in time is the only option. But how long is it going to take? I’ve tried to distract myself in so many ways, but my mind keeps rejecting those fake distractions, so I gave up and faced the problem. Longing is the word here. And when you long for something that you cannot have, when you want it to be cold and hot at the same time, when you want to have both fire and water in one place… It makes satisfaction totally impossible but doesn’t diminish the pain, turning it into a paradox that even this writing won’t solve.

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