Tuesday, November 30, 2010


What are you left with every time you step over yourself? Feeling of excitement from your victory, pride for your courage, satisfaction from successfully defeating your fear? But there is also sadness, this temporary freezing emptiness from some inexplicable loss. For something is gone, a piece of you was forsaken the moment you summoned all your strength and reached for the stars. This sweet bitterness passes through the winner: I could have been on the ground, still gazing the stars, separated from me by the infinity. The infinity that can be covered in a few steps, or left as infinity should I choose so. The determination to battle leaves a dreamer behind. Touching a star means one star less to glare. The triumph of the victory is always saddened by a sacrifice it takes to turn a dreamer into a warrior.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Fall Colors

Fall is a source of the most beautiful pictures. I was one of the numerous eager photographers in a rush to capture the short-lasting beauty called autumn leaves. You take a number of shots but every time you press the “view mode” button you feel a slight disappointment. Not that, not what I wanted, not the way it is. And then you suddenly have it – one precious shot that doesn’t only get it right, it magically transform the real fragments into a mysteriously perfect piece of art: the color, the symmetry, the proportions – all are ideal.

We are trying to make the best of our lives but mostly get a number of mediocre days. Those are not feel-bad days yet they still lack that breathtaking excitement, something that cannot be faked, forced and summoned. A rare combination when all the ingredients happen to be in place and produce a hot steaming dish of happiness. Our true shot, a sparkle, a gem. Every morning is a promise, and every evening new hope is conceived: there is every chance it can happen tomorrow.

I enjoy my one good shot that makes everything else possible. Some people master photography and multiply their number of delightful photos. And all of us try to master the science of living: to minimize the amount of failures, to strive for perfection. Yet somewhere very deep insight we have this intuitive feeling, that our best shots , the ones that make us gasp, have a somewhat divine nature. Just like some days are beyond our understanding or control, the days when we let the gust of wind carry us away without putting any resistance. The days when pretense is put aside, the grand rehearsal is over and life is lived as it should be: in all the color, precision of line and simple beauty.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Do You Know

I don’t particularly like when people preach: first you need to figure out what you want and then go for it. Right, that simple, eh? You just sit down for 20 minutes, consider all you options and voila! – you are all set for life. So let’s see… do I want to be a doctor? – nope, teacher? – not really, work on Wall Street – hmm, maybe… But do we even know all the options? And how can we be sure we will really like what we’ve chosen for us? Yet people shake their heads when you tell them about your trial and error method: hey, guys, I will just go with the flow for now and figure something out along the way.

Or they will tell you there must be an absolute certainty in your decision by the time you are 30 (32? 35?). Some people find their true calling when they are 70, some never discover it at all!

I do believe we get signs consistently throughout our life journey. Little hints here and there that suggest a direction you haven’t considered before. You get a taste of new things, but sometimes it’s just the first part of the puzzle, and you have to solve the rest for yourself, untangle the thread and follow it to the final destination, where success and recognition are waiting.

It's not like I enjoy going about life half-blindfolded. Of course there are certain things that make me feel at home, yet I don’t know how to turn them into something bigger, more meaningful, something with a purpose and potential for personal fulfillment. Yet if I have to hold out I will do so with patience and dignity. I will find my door even if it takes knocking on a thousand wrong ones. There is a destined path for each of one of us: sometimes it’s covered with foliage, or hidden by shadows and lack of light, or its boundaries are indistinct. But it’s there, waiting for you to discover it and take it all the way. I will get there, not sure when but I will, just don’t rush me, don’t judge me, don’t give me ill-fitted advice: I don’t want to take the wrong trail and get lost.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


A soul is beautiful because it’s composed of pure light. Yet there will always be someone to tell you otherwise, to make you feel ugly, to despise you and mix you with dirt. Call them the evil, the enemy, often disguised as “friends”, someone jealous, or spiteful, or neglectful or simply someone deprived of love, taking it out on the entire world. The worst damage they could do is force you to forget about your light within, the soul breathed in by God at your creation. They make you believe that the light is dead and you are now at the mercy of the dark. But the light never dies out, it’s our divine core and it cannot be destroyed. Our weakness is that we allow the enemy to distract us, to look away, to lose faith. This enemy often resides within – we let depressive thoughts take over and cast shadows on everything that used to make sense. Our weakness is that instead of putting up the armor, we take it down. We let the dark winter winds blow at our light with their mighty strength till it’s almost extinguished. We fail to remind ourselves that the light never goes away.

We try to seek protection in others and it doesn’t always occur to us that we can look inwardly to find the comfort, to recharge the fading spirit. Going to the very beginning, the invincible core, the heart of the soul. We were made this way – unique and beautiful. We were given enough powers to combat the enemy. And we will constantly be attacked: even as we try to withdraw and shield ourselves with isolation, then WE will turn into attackers, shooting doubt onto the good in us. This struggle is meaningful. When fighting for the light we worship the light, when giving up all that we have left is indifference.

If you are under attack, if the wounds caused by the enemy hurt unbearably – just pause for a minute… Phase out the noise till you hear the divine silence. Ignore what you see but look inside. Find your light, stick with your core, feel whole and win this battle. You are beautiful.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Words of Wisdom

A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouth-watering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self.

It is said that all that you are seeking is also seeking you, that if you lie still, sit still, it will find you.

When a life is too controlled, there becomes less and less life to control.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Another Day, Another Sunset

I wish I could write more. I wish I could catch those quickly-passing breakthrough thoughts and pin them down with words. But alas, a big gluttonous giant called life gulps days and weeks in a blink of an eye. I miss the moments, I lose precious thoughts, my ideas and little discoveries are too evasive if not eternalized with words. Life is more than just paying bills and fulfilling one’s duties. It’s a spiritual journey. There are grand things that matter more than our daily hassle, the glorious things that are always within reach hence can be easily postponed… I am too tired today, I can find the meaning of life tomorrow. And the sun is down, and another day is lived ... or wasted.

I wish I could write more to get just one inch closer to the truth with each post created within, whispered by the unconscious that is always at work, even when I am too busy to observe, contemplate and remember.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Both Ways is the Only Way I Want It

I am still processing the book I just finished reading – “Both Ways is the Only Way I Want It” by Maile Meloy. The book is great on its own – I couldn’t help but admire the precision of each sentence, phrases that stick to your mind and re-emerge when you least expect it. There aren’t many descriptions but it’s one of the most “visual” books I’ve ever read, when you can see everything so clearly like you are a silent witness, as if you are actually there. But it’s the idea at the basis of the book that strikes me the most, one of those obvious notions that somehow we fail to notice and acknowledge until someone points the idea out. It leaves you astonished: I knew it but I didn’t know it!

It’s one of the biggest ironies of life – wanting everything, wanting the opposite from what we have, wanting both the things even knowing that having one excludes the possibility of the other. We are being torn by our contradictory desires, trying to establish what it is that we want more and stick to the choice derived in the torturous battle of mind. When we choose one way we cross out the other still secretly longing for it, half-mourning the loss. If we try to have it both ways, to float in the middle, we are burdened by guilt and dissatisfaction from having it only half-way. We begin to hurt from hurting the others.

“The force with which he wanted it both ways made him grit his teeth. What kind of fool wanted it only one way?”

A mindful approach can provide some relief. Acknowledging both the wants, consciously choosing one, giving yourself reasons to justify the choice may quiet down the troubled mind. We can control our actions but can we ever be truly in control of our desires? Can we stop wanting something because that’s an order given by sense which knows better? Or we just learn to live with this paramount longing, our secret wants, unfulfilled desires, rebelling occasionally, trying to have it both ways but always failing.
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