Monday, April 22, 2013

Love Confession

Love. So it looks like you are key to everything. I know I have you but where and why are you hiding? I already pledged before to make you the center of my life, but then I forgot and you haven't reminded me. Or you have? Through new obstacles and downturns?
I come back to you and your all-forgiving embrace, and feel calm and peaceful for some time. But then life pulls me away from you with force and I lose that precious connection again, I become a blind person without guidance, bumping into walls, hurting all over.
I'm tired of coming back to you through pain, of this constant separation, which - I know, I know - is nothing but an illusion on my side. You are always there for me, softly radiating, - so simple, so inviting. It's me who sometimes pretends like I don't see you, because I'm too confident that everything is under my control.
It's exhausting to just date you on and off, I want a real relationship, a marriage. I want serving you, being your tool to manifest what was scripted for me. I want to wake up every morning and feel your presence, like I feel the sun light through my so very sun-proof curtains. I want to breathe in love, and breathe out love. All I really need is to open my doors for you and refuse an impulse to shut them close out of fear, despair or loneliness.
There's no need to seek you because you are me, the best part of me in your perfection. I just need to let that side of me be, to stop resisting. Today I would like to let you know that I'm working very hard on connecting. But I have lots of bad habits that won't surrender that easy. Yet I'm on my way and any help will be appreciated.

Monday, April 1, 2013


It's in really trying times that our belief system gets challenged. The notions that held true and worked for you for so long crumble like a sand castle from a gust of wind. Your assumptions become scattered pieces, orphaned children unsure of what they are and how they will survive in the ever attacking world.
On days without a pattern my thoughts are sporadic and elusive. A book with too many pages on too many different topics: I know I'm somewhere in there but I can't find the exact location. The biggest paradox is that in this process of losing myself I actually find the true me that would otherwise be dissolved in a life race. I am finally given a chance to go so deep that it's beyond scary, strip myself of layers and really see what's at the core. But then again this depth in big doses is suffocating and I constantly need to emerge for a breath of oxigen, of my normal routine, of ordinary things happening and time flowing. Then I'm pushed under all over again until I find the answer to the question I haven't even formed yet.

On the outside "me" seems so small, my life is small too, but inside it's a huge massif that I don't even know where to begin decoding. What if I believe something is true and let it guide my life to later find out it was false from the beginning? I'm afraid to commit to any of the learned wisdoms and continue digging in hopes of finding one absolute, unquestionable knowledge that I will engrave into myself.
The dull pain that settled in me is there to stay for a little longer. I only pray for a break from emptiness, for a letter in the box, a word in silence, a sentence with my name in it.
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