Friday, April 16, 2010

Playing With Fire

I had a week of excruciating agonizing physical pain. And even though my body didn’t exhibit much tolerance and gave out a good portion of moaning and groaning, my mind was calm with acceptance. What kept me sane was knowing that any kind of physical pain, no matter how strong and intolerable it seems, eventually comes to an end. And once we heal, our brain will block all the memories of the torturous experience. It’s like recovering after the c-section: I remember it was pretty bad but I don’t really remember the details.

Emotional pain is a different story. You never know when you’ll finally feel relief, you are never sure if you really hit the bottom. How long is it going to last? What can you do at least to ease it, since you know that you can’t make it go away completely? It enslaves you, guides your actions, distracts you from what’s important in your life. Emotional pain is unpredictable and often illogical. Just when you think it’s finally getting better something will trigger the new downfall – back to collecting your pieces… It’s like one step forward, two steps back…

Coming out of it emotionally drained, you promise you will never ever let it come to that again. You will live a quiet turmoil-free life and stay clear of potentially hazardous situations. But life is life – and we inevitably get drawn into a precipice. We long for a taste of a forbidden fruit even being somewhat aware of the consequences. But the attraction becomes too irresistible: you tell yourself – I will just get a tiny bite, and then another one, and one more… Before you know it the addiction is too strong to fight and you are back to the hell where the price for seconds of happiness and pleasure is hours, days, weeks of that agonizing emotional pain you’ve once promised to avoid. So having one foot above the abyss, ask yourself if it isn’t too late to stop…

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Time For Happy Thoughts

It’s good to have things happening, to take a break from all the self-analysis and self-digging. I’ve been busy at work, going out with friends, going to the circus with my family on Easter Day, watching lots of good movies, eating delicious food. I managed to free my mind from all the issues and thoughts it’s been trying to process and just live my life. No over thinking – just taking everything in and let things be. And I love it this way, being able to live in the moment without projecting too far into the future or letting the past haunt you.

I am able to see the true brightness of colors, food tastes better to me. And how can I not enjoy life when spring is finally here at its full strength! Last night I opened the window and breathed in the warm breezy spring air filled with the aroma of the blossoming trees. I thought – no matter what happens in your life, spring always comes and fills you with happiness. It’s the time when we are reborn, just like the new leaves start growing on the trees out of nowhere. We shed off the weight of the winter mood, the gloom, the dark thoughts, our sleepiness, - feeling lighter, rejuvenated. We open our toes and our hearts, put on summer clothes and bright smiles, getting some tan and some adventures.

Spring is the time when we long for love but this time I don’t search for it externally. I feel it inside of me, always present, filling me with light and forgiveness. It’s good to know that I can let it shine through, reach random people, and still have plenty left. Because love has no limits and no boundaries, it’s endless and eternal. As long as we don’t push it away from our hearts, it will grow and blossom inside of us, empowering us to live our lives the right way.

It's spring and I am very happy.
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