Friday, April 16, 2010

Playing With Fire

I had a week of excruciating agonizing physical pain. And even though my body didn’t exhibit much tolerance and gave out a good portion of moaning and groaning, my mind was calm with acceptance. What kept me sane was knowing that any kind of physical pain, no matter how strong and intolerable it seems, eventually comes to an end. And once we heal, our brain will block all the memories of the torturous experience. It’s like recovering after the c-section: I remember it was pretty bad but I don’t really remember the details.

Emotional pain is a different story. You never know when you’ll finally feel relief, you are never sure if you really hit the bottom. How long is it going to last? What can you do at least to ease it, since you know that you can’t make it go away completely? It enslaves you, guides your actions, distracts you from what’s important in your life. Emotional pain is unpredictable and often illogical. Just when you think it’s finally getting better something will trigger the new downfall – back to collecting your pieces… It’s like one step forward, two steps back…

Coming out of it emotionally drained, you promise you will never ever let it come to that again. You will live a quiet turmoil-free life and stay clear of potentially hazardous situations. But life is life – and we inevitably get drawn into a precipice. We long for a taste of a forbidden fruit even being somewhat aware of the consequences. But the attraction becomes too irresistible: you tell yourself – I will just get a tiny bite, and then another one, and one more… Before you know it the addiction is too strong to fight and you are back to the hell where the price for seconds of happiness and pleasure is hours, days, weeks of that agonizing emotional pain you’ve once promised to avoid. So having one foot above the abyss, ask yourself if it isn’t too late to stop…

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