Friday, July 23, 2010

Unattached - Free?

I made a curious observation lately – how little I am attached to anything. Getting attached to things or people means experiencing pain when losing any of them. Separation anxiety. I used to have that: living in the boarding school when I was 15 I kept thinking that I was finally having a good life and how bad that it would be over within two years. How sad that I won’t see most of these young kids ever again, never find out how they came out after all… I used to connect much easier and once it happened, it always hurt to let go. Living with a bunch of roommates when I was 19 – happy, carefree days, but even back then I lived with a shadow that those days would come to an end and the uncertainly of the future was always hanging in the air.

And then I got attached to New York, such a deep addiction, when it began to feel like the polluted New York City air was all my lungs were willing to accept from now on. I felt terribly homesick away from the city I used to hate when I only moved in. Unlike many people I had no desire to travel: I had it all right there, discoveries could be made every day without ever leaving New York.

Then the things… How annoyed was I when friends wouldn’t promptly return my books they borrowed. And how reluctant I was to give away my son’s baby clothes. And how petrified I felt at the idea we might lose our wonderful house due to foreclosure. And the sadness of thought that so many amazing coworkers that became my friends will be gone soon because of the company’s troubles.

I don’t know a precise moment when my ability to attach started fading away. Suddenly it no longer mattered if I lived in this house or any other house, worked at this job or any other job… Things that were lost no longer upset me. I once thought – what if the house caught fire, which things will I try to save? I think I will take my son’s hand, grab my passport (out of fear of bureaucratic harassment I guess) and walk away.

I even feel more detached from my body: before "we" were a whole thing, now it’s my body and I. I find it funny some mornings to look in the mirror and think: gosh, she looks so puffy, let’s try to fix her up. I spotted a gray hair and I thought I should probably give out some womanly reaction now and do some whining about the I-am-getting-old subject whereas in fact I didn’t feel upset, because me is still me – whether I’m 20, 30,70… I am very eager to travel now. And to disown so many things I have. And spend more time outdoors where nothing and everything belongs to me.

What is it? Finally feeling free or failing to find where I belong? Realizing that the biggest riches are within us or the disappointment of not finding those riches in the external world. I still own my memories. I may dislike my feelings and emotions at times, but it’s something that I own too because I feel what I feel since I am who I am. I still get to wake up every day with a vague expectation of what today holds for me. As many days as I am given. Those mornings are mine, the sky is mine, the dreams are mine. We truly only own what no one can take away from us. We own our thoughts even when we don’t have enough words to express them. And once we find love within that’s ours too. Forever.


  1. Wow Aysel. That is a wonderful poignant post. What is ever truly ours? I wish I could say the love within, but its hard isn't it. Sometimes I too watch life and people around me, I become the 'observor', i create a place of watching without thoughts and its peaceful there - in the moment.
    I'd say you became wiser as attachment started to flow away from you. There is a beautiful vulnerability in your writing, in the persona of your words. Its very real, its been like a river, fast, slow, lost, found and seems to be very true to itself and authentic now. Thats when love comes in. SO good to have found your blog. Will be seeing you around :-)

  2. Hi Uzma,

    "I'd say you became wiser as attachment started to flow away from you"- I want to believe it but sometimes it scares me because we do need some weight to hold us down, have a place we could call home, be surrounded by people we could call friends. But often we grab onto material things like they are all there is to life. We chase after "luxuries" - I use the word because half the things we own are not even necessities.

    Just like you said I feel more and more like a detached 'observer' - taking notice of how many insignificant, often false attachments we develop that eventually prevent us from experiencing life in full.

    "its been like a river, fast, slow, lost, found" - and that's exactly how my life feels like. Every single day. :)

    Thank you for your observant comment!

  3. I am with Uzma, my first reaction was wow, this is writing with a capital W. This is brilliant Aysel.
    I am getting to that point of not being attached and it has taken me a loooong time. To know and accept that nothing is yours to keep and no things are necessary to make me happy, to know that everything I need I already have, to really feel that way is allowing peace and fear to dissipate and I find it enormous precious. It was that fear of losing too that made me fearful in the past.
    Wow Aysel, I am finding that it allows me to be freely pursuing what my calling is, what I feel is important to do with my life and that is awesome. Love Wilma

  4. Hi Wilma,

    I was actually thinking that maybe the true reason why people so frantically fill their lives with things is to cover up the enormous emptiness in their hearts. Feeling that there's something wrong with your life - no problem! go shopping and the feeling will subside. Well, at least for some time and then you can always go shopping again.

    You write that "no things are necessary to make me happy" - and I would elaborate even more: having all the things you can possibly have still won't make anyone happy. " know that everything I need I already have" - I remember you wrote a similar thing in one of your comments and how it filled me with calm and assurance. I remember believing a number of years ago - how can I possibly be happy if I don't have this, and that, and that?!! So I worked hard, things started coming in and they did add some happiness but not for long. You are excited and satisfied at first, but then the initial sense of novelty fades away. Is it time to get new things to renew the feeling of excitement? Eventually we get exhausted from this fruitless hunt for short-lived pleasures. That's when some of us set on a spiritual quest to discover eternal happiness, joy that fills us up every single day and never expires or needs a new updated version =) .


inside out - Free Blogger Templates, Free Wordpress Themes - by Templates para novo blogger HD TV Watch Shows Online. Unblock through myspace proxy unblock, Songs by Christian Guitar Chords