Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Thank You, Silent Words

It’s an important realization that even if you are deprived of certain things you can still strive to live fully. There will always be some variables missing but instead of sulking about those couple of things that lack from your life, you can try to make the best out of what you do have. I did a mental exercise of listing all the aspects of my life where I am missing out therefore I cannot be fully happy. I got terrified by how much is missing from the picture. Then I thought of all my blessings – and I was immediately cheered up: boy, am I lucky! No wonder I keep switching between extremely happy to utterly unhappy pretty much on a daily basis.

Last few months have been a period of silence for me. I am coping all right but since I have a major need to express myself, there’s a grand monologue that goes on in my head for hours. I don’t talk to my husband, I don’t talk to my coworkers, I clearly don’t talk enough to my friends and family – but everyone is busy with their lives. I am a different person when I talk because words get so much weight off my chest so I lighten and move forward. With all the words inside me I’m stuck because I feel so heavy.

Yes, this silent period has been a challenge but it lead me to writing as a partial substitute to talking. It’s amazing that when you have a need so desperate you take on things you would not consider under normal circumstances in hopes of finding some relief. As one blogger wrote, “you don’t know what you know until you write it”. I still find it striking to see what words are coming out of me when I write. It’s like – did I really think that all this time? Is that how I really feel? Is that what bothers me? I had no idea some wounds were so deep, but the healing power of writing is undeniable. I leave it all here and move on with my life. And only the silent observer in me is rolling her eyes – how come she is living with all this pain, a seemingly upbeat person with these sad and desperate posts.

I write the first sentence and then I pause because I don’t know how to go on. But then it starts pouring out of me. And it’s not always to support or develop the idea of that first sentence. It’s like the small talk is over, the ice is broken, let’s get down to business. And I write and my own writing is a revelation to me each time. Because if only I let myself write non-stop, let my fingers on the keyboard take control, I can finally get the truth out. Things I’ve been hiding from myself for so long, for all my life. And often I don’t want to reread it, it’s enough that I got it out of my system. And occasionally I don’t even want to publish it. But as I keep writing, I gradually find my voice.

The power of silence, the power of words, the power of good little things in life that make the absence of big things a little more tolerable.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Aysel, what a wonderful way to treat your writing and indirectly to treat us readers. You are exploring your thoughts; yes, you are who you are here and that is awesome. xox Wilma


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