Monday, December 28, 2009

It's Okey to Love

The other day I was watching the movie “Idiot” based on the immortal book by Dostoevsky. It swamped me with so many thoughts and ideas about the complexity of the human nature and all the things hidden inside of us waiting for something to trigger their liberation.

I was thinking about the biggest conflict of interests you can imagine: between “I want” and “I can’t”. Most of us live our lives the way we should, few dare to rebel and follow their heart – to face self-destruction or to get hurt, switch gears and go back to living in a mode of commonly accepted normalcy. Adolescence is probably the only time when we risk things, risk experimenting through which we could find and define ourselves.

So you get married which in return for comfort and stability brings so many limitations to your life. There are people who were born for marriage, there are people who should stay away by all means. But some of us are stuck in the middle – we get married because we are better off this way, but then we feel trapped, marriage consoles and suffocates us all at once. This intense contradiction can exhaust anyone, it fills you with guilt and almost self-hatred.

The hardest part is to admit to yourself – no one else - that there are still things that you want. You cannot change overnight just because you got married. So you still “crave” things that you did when you were single. You still want to be liked. To be loved. To be desired. You are still capable of having a crush on someone else, even though you love your spouse. And when someone has a crush on you, it still gives you butterflies in your stomach. You cannot cut off all those things that you are feeling. So what you do is you start fighting, ignoring or hiding them from yourself. But they find a way to haunt you: sometimes through your dreams, sometimes through a love movie that resonates so painfully in your heart. And one day you just reach the point when you are done hiding: you want to cut your heart open and see what’s inside. You want to admit and accept things that scared the hell out of you before. You are a Woman. You love LOVE. You are free.

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