Thursday, January 13, 2011

Not About Me

All of us sooner or later incur the need for self-exploration. It’s like you reached the dead end and in order to continue moving forward, you first need to look inwardly and try to sort through all the chaos you are bound to uncover, and then, hopefully, the door will materialize where there was only a wall before.

Without doubts last year was the year of discoveries for me. I set off to explore the huge underground life of my psyche and came across a number of dark corners, spots that remained hidden until now. But as I kept traveling down the long twisting tunnels, I went from feeling relieved and empowered to frustrated and lost. Once the triumph of initial revelations wore off (aha, another inner issue uncovered, my life should be a little better now), my enthusiasm was replaced by perplexity: where is that line, that nth solved puzzle when I will be granted some peace and wisdom to fuel me for some time? As I was opening one door, I saw there were three more doors behind it, and three more behind each one of these three. An endless labyrinth. I went down too deep and found myself in a box.

Nothing is wrong with self-digging, if we don’t understand ourselves we are very likely to make the same mistakes over and over, to keep banging on the same locked door even though there is another door wide ajar nearby. But obsessing with it sooner or later will lead to negative consequences called “too much thinking” – a hard to diagnose and even harder to beat addiction. The need to ponder on, analyze, break into pieces, look under the microscope and understand all the whys and hows for anything that happened or was felt.

Okay, so maybe I should stop trying to question and understand everything and be more spontaneous for a change. Maybe I could trust that things will keep happening regardless how much or little I understand. This year will not be about me. Enough with wandering. The goal now is to empty my mind and see what will find its way in.

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