Friday, May 18, 2012

The New Taste of Freedom

A number of years ago the idea of staying at home would be terrifying enough to frantically look for any employer that would have me. Today it is the most welcomed turn of events, something I’ve in fact been dreaming about for 3 years now. Unemployed. The blessed adjective that prompts people to look at me with pity as I think in return – I’m the one who should pity YOU. I thought that working will provide all the answers whereas it barely left me any time to think. It was funny how I used to look forward to my daily commute as it was the only time I had for thinking. And reading a book. And spacing out too, staring into the window but seeing nothing. The rest of the day was just a rat-race.

So now I have one of the biggest luxuries in the world – time! And my head is spinning from all the things I want to be doing in the next several months and it already seems like even all this time will not be enough. I want to stay active, so sleeping more is not on my list, but I also want to have those unproductive days when I just enjoying doing pretty much nothing. I want to travel deep into my head and explore all the concepts I’ve pushed off getting into because they required time, and solitude, and silence. But I also crave hours of non-thinking, just blessed being without any whys and whatfors. 

I need to fight off a dangerous temptation to disconnect from the world because as precious as solitude can be, it quickly turns into loneliness mixed with depression if “consumed” in excessive quantities. I don’t want to underestimate the power of having the right people in my life, so I turn my messenger back on and accept invitations for lunch. And I have to plan out my days and stay active, else I will fall prey to laziness attacks, which is really depression in disguise. 

I don’t know what this summer has in store for me… Will I heal? Grow? Transform? Degrade? I just want it to be something more than just another season lived through and forgotten. 

P.S. Only my own photography moving forward, need to justify the purchase of an expensive camera right before losing my job…

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