Friday, February 17, 2012

Every Day is a Fresh Start

This week I felt like I’ve reached all the possible limits of holding it together. I’ve been saying all the wrong things to people, which provoked the long-forgotten lack of confidence and a strong desire to crawl to a secret cave where no one will witness my failures. It caused a lot of self-disgust too. My stronger self literally had to pull the loser in me from the dark bottom and persuade that it’s not my fault and I’m only an imperfect human being, just like everyone around me.

Time has acted funny too, it’s been slipping through my fingers as if hours suddenly became seconds. I got nothing done. I rushed through things and postponed catching my breath till later. But this later never comes and it’s been months. I just want to pause and do some serious thinking, which will clear my head. But once I stop for just a second, I am attacked by such extreme laziness mixed with depression that I hurry to get back on the move. So it’s either keeping myself chaotically busy or falling prey to dark thoughts.

My kid told me that I inspire him with my words. It almost caused me to break down in tears. I sure don’t inspire myself anymore. And since I don’t have anyone else to do the job, I have to be my own motivator and it’s another big responsibility on the list, which I already struggle to keep up with. I’ve felt so so down because of my inability to express myself, to talk to people in a meaningful way, to feel good about the way I look, think and speak. I've been feeling the strain in my facial muscles because I was so focused on not losing my composure.

The words are failing me, the world is failing me, I’m failing myself. But the thing is if I turn my back on myself there’s no one left. Which will mean free falling. So I have to be gentle, loving, forgiving and supportive. So I forgive myself for all the mishappenings of the week, for withstanding this profound sadness that almost swallowed me whole. I still love myself and tell myself I was made this way for a reason. And if I really look deep inside, I will see that I am a bottomless well of light. This volatile reality almost made me lose it for a while by imposing its crumbling walls, but there’s one true reality above it all and its name is love.

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