Hiding From Stress, Hiding From Life

I have absolutely low stress tolerance. Things other people would barely notice freak me out for days. It mostly affects my sleeping pattern since I get too emotional to relax and let my brain plunge into the dreams world. But it also affects my focus – which is the most annoying part: it comes to the point when I ask myself how long I can keep thinking over and over about the same thing??? Yet it doesn’t stop there and all sorts of fake distractions I come up with work only shortly.

I’ve acknowledged my inability to deal with stress long ago. In fact I keep adjusting my life to downplay the dominance of this particular weakness. I remain on good terms with most people I deal with one way or another; I avoid any sort of confrontation and the word “enemy” has no chance to ever be in my lexicon. I am very organized and plan everything in advance; I hate to be late – and try not to; I take risks only if I am absolutely positive the outcome won’t emotionally destroy me.

This stress avoidance technique has been a necessity dictated by my extremely fragile emotional nature: living in harmony with the world was the only way to guarantee my inner calm, my happiness. But suddenly I began to realize that what I’ve considered stress avoidance at times turns into life avoidance: it slows me down,it makes me forsake some opportunities that life presents. I tell myself: I won’t do as well as others, but as long as I am happy it doesn’t matter. I won’t pursue things that interest me because my boyfriend is against them and fighting with him is so exhausting. I won’t tell people they are hurting my feelings to avoid any possible tension as an outcome. I won’t meet new people because I might not like them but I will feel forced to maintain conversation with them, which will stress me out. I won’t ask for a raise at work because… because … IT’S JUST SUCH A BIG DEAL! It will make me feel nervous and I don’t like that! It’s easier to leave things the way they are: keep taking on the ever expanding responsibilities and doing work for others without being paid accordingly. Or maybe it’s easier to stay home all day and watch TV: because no matter what crazy things are happening on the screen, they don’t bother you because they don’t concern you.

I don’t want to be the ostrich who hides his head in the sand – no seeing, no feeling. It’s time to change the pattern. I am asking for a raise today. And that’s just a start. Good luck to me!