Thursday, August 16, 2012

How Have You Been?

I am thinking of you, and you, and you. Of all the people from my past. You see I have time now. It makes me sad when I can't remember the face that used to matter once. Sometimes all I remember is words as if they are still ringing in my ears. Or I can see them on my photographic memory display, if they were first typed and then sent to me. With some people all I remember is the feeling: how I felt when they were around and then how I felt when they were gone.
When I get lonely, I imagine meeting someone from the past, things we would talk about, questions we'd ask. I know I've changed but will they like the new me? I like this version of myself better but maybe they will think that all my flair has been lost. But then again I won't care as much what they think.
I'm not in the midst of things anymore. I am on the edge, comfortably close to people yet safely detached. There's still so much I need to understand about interaction and the right balance between opening up and shielding what no one needs to see. At least for the time being. And I wish I had a better understanding of how much I am allowed to affect someone in order to make a positive difference as opposed to causing pain.
But today I'm thinking that if we were to bump into each other by chance, I would be nice to you, and smile an encouraging smile that would melt the ice of the past. I would ask you what's new in your life and tell you what's new in mine. I would say it was great seeing you again and walk away knowing that we'll never see each other again. Because if life gives us a chance to make things right, it means that deep inside we needed a closure to the situation of the past, without which we cannot move into the future.
All you have to do during this random encounter is ask me "why". And I would say to some of you that I didn't know better, or that I was scared, or that I did it for your benefit even though it hurt us both. Then maybe you could finally erase my name from your memory, or remove the negative imprint I've left on your soul. And knowing that you've moved on, I would stop seeing you in my dreams and move on too.

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