Lately I’ve felt resentment about the whole “to-do” check list. As much as it’s nice to have some kind of a life plan, a well-defined road-map to happiness, it gets frustrating when the expectations are not fulfilled. Maybe you didn’t get married in your 20-s like most of your friends, or your career came to a dead end, or you decided to renounce some delusive principles – there are unwelcome moments of doubts, when you realize that not everything goes as you planned and you are clueless what’s next. Sometimes there’s simply no backup plan, just white space that you can fill with any possibilities not considered before.
We don’t always know for sure whether it’s time to call the defeat or we can still go on hoping and waiting for some extended time. Will things happen on their own, or only if we put effort in, or they won’t happen at all no matter what simply because they were not destined to be? How are we to know it’s time to close this chapter because we are stuck or it’s time to double the efforts because we are almost there? A friend of mine sighed recently, “I am 30 now and there’s no light in sight…” meaning her personal life is as stagnant as it was 10 years ago. People tell her to go out more, and I want to suggest getting the best of what she has now (or doesn’t have), because if it’s not meant to happen for another couple of years, blaming yourself for lack of results can only drive you to despair and cast shadow on simple daily pleasures of the present.
But who can tell me that “it’s not meant to be” so that I stopped the self-eating reproach of “I am not doing enough”. Who can define “enough” for me? Maybe whatever I have today due to my aspirations, luck, destiny and randomness IS enough? It’s a major paradox of life that we seek a stopping point but it’s always beyond the reach, hence we are unable to stop, nor are we ever satisfied with the incessant motion. I haven’t heard “you have to” statements from anyone but myself for the past several years. They think I have it all, so why can’t I? Why can't I tear up the check list and embrace the blessed moment of being, whatever form or emotional color it’s presently taken?
Sometimes it is very hard to just be in the moment. There is a certain fear of the unknown. The steps are small but worth it. Hope you will find your moments and enjoy them
ReplyDeleteSometimes we can't help looking at the bigger picture though... As much as I enjoy reading, it's one thing to go page by page, admire witty sentences and poignant statements, and another to appreciate the book as a whole, as a bigger entity than just a combination of its mostly well-written parts. Occasionally I fear that limiting yourself to the present moment exclusively leaves us short-sighted and vulnerable.
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