Hold Together

If you ask me, I can give you 10 reasons why I can readily fall apart at any moment. Fear, anxiety, worries, horrific projections can easily become the unwelcome hosts of your mind if you let them. Last night I woke up and, unable to fall back asleep, I let my mind race forward to the what-if territory, envisioning one bad possibility after another. I thought, what if something happens to my husband, how are we to survive? Right after thinking that one up, I engaged in frantic calculations of how I will be paying bills if it’s just my income: I will have to cancel cable TV, try to find cheaper internet, use less heating at night… I approached the challenge like the situation was real and I had to deal with it so that to stay afloat, not to sink torpedoed by the life hardships. Till I told myself: Stop! This is not happening! Go back to sleep!

I read over and over about the importance of staying in the present moment: there are enough books, blogs, articles that break it down for you in detail. But to practice the concept is not as easy as reading about it. Your mind often gets pulled in all directions, harassed by the images that were depicted by uncontrolled emotions and vivid imagination. It’s what you set against this pointless cycle that matters. You need to draw the much needed support from powerful sources that can lull the monster and ease this suffocating grip on your brain.

My family is far and our weekly communication consists of delicate attempts not to upset one another, which implies withholding sad events, mood or feelings. My friends are concentrated on their own problems, which they are more eager to discuss than mine. This leaves me with books (oh, the ocean of wisdom), thought-provoking blogs, written by similar seekers, pray, when things get really bad, or the great oblivion of sleep, when staying awake is intolerable.

The most important thing I should remember is that we are never alone, even though at times we feel like an outcast on the edge of the earth, forgotten by everyone and utterly lonely. Help will be sent to us if we encounter a serious problem, we won’t be fighting alone. A necessary shift in circumstances will occur if you believe it will, if you ask for it. Looking back I realize how many times I drove myself insane with worries, anticipating the worst outcome for the situation, but somehow it always ended well. So I may choose to be falling apart every minute of my existence or decide against it, pull myself together and fight vigorously to replace any negative thought with a bright one, to spot light among the shadows and keep my eyes on it as long as I can.

I hope more wise positive-thinking people will be entering my life to inspire me to make progress and sustain upbeat attitude. And I want to hope that light and clarity will prevail over confusion and gloom on most of my days. But when something negative happens – for real or in my imagination, I want to deliberately choose not to fall apart, for when I’m whole I can achieve so much more, than when I’m broken to pieces.