Love Confession

L

Love. So it looks like you are key to everything. I know I have you but where and why are you hiding? I already pledged before to make you the center of my life, but then I forgot and you haven't reminded me. Or you have? Through new obstacles and downturns?

I come back to you and your all-forgiving embrace, and feel calm and peaceful for some time. But then life pulls me away from you with force and I lose that precious connection again, I become a blind person without guidance, bumping into walls, hurting all over.

I'm tired of coming back to you through pain, of this constant separation, which - I know, I know - is nothing but an illusion on my side. You are always there for me, softly radiating, - so simple, so inviting. It's me who sometimes pretends like I don't see you, because I'm too confident that everything is under my control.

It's exhausting to just date you on and off, I want a real relationship, a marriage. I want serving you, being your tool to manifest what was scripted for me. I want to wake up every morning and feel your presence, like I feel the sun light through my so very sun-proof curtains. I want to breathe in love, and breathe out love. All I really need is to open my doors for you and refuse an impulse to shut them close out of fear, despair or loneliness.

There's no need to seek you because you are me, the best part of me in your perfection. I just need to let that side of me be, to stop resisting. Today I would like to let you know that I'm working very hard on connecting. But I have lots of bad habits that won't surrender that easy. Yet I'm on my way and any help will be appreciated.

Diving

 

It's in really trying times that our belief system gets challenged. The notions that held true and worked for you for so long crumble like a sand castle from a gust of wind. Your assumptions become scattered pieces, orphaned children unsure of what they are and how they will survive in the ever attacking world.

On days without a pattern my thoughts are sporadic and elusive. A book with too many pages on too many different topics: I know I'm somewhere in there but I can't find the exact location. The biggest paradox is that in this process of losing myself I actually find the true me that would otherwise be dissolved in a life race. I am finally given a chance to go so deep that it's beyond scary, strip myself of layers and really see what's at the core. But then again this depth in big doses is suffocating and I constantly need to emerge for a breath of oxigen, of my normal routine, of ordinary things happening and time flowing. Then I'm pushed under all over again until I find the answer to the question I haven't even formed yet.

On the outside "me" seems so small, my life is small too, but inside it's a huge massif that I don't even know where to begin decoding. What if I believe something is true and let it guide my life to later find out it was false from the beginning? I'm afraid to commit to any of the learned wisdoms and continue digging in hopes of finding one absolute, unquestionable knowledge that I will engrave into myself.

The dull pain that settled in me is there to stay for a little longer. I only pray for a break from emptiness, for a letter in the box, a word in silence, a sentence with my name in it.

Another Random Post

 

I try to make sense of things, events, coincidences but connecting the dots seems as useless as picking and interpreting a random card from the deck. It can mean one thing, or another, or nothing at all.

If everybody finds their true self and follows their call, who will remain to sweep the streets and guard the prisoners?  Maybe it's not about a job after all, like a good actor is not about the roles he is given to play.

They say only what's inside matters but without the external events I have no story to tell, and without a story I'm nothing. So I let life shape me, I try on different faces and personalities; some grow onto me, others give me allergic reaction and I'm itching to shed them.

Sometimes we are forced to swim from one bank to another. And there's nothing you can do during those long laps but paddle with all your might to get to your destination faster. You could try to do some thinking about life in the process, but eventually you lose sight of how it ought to be until you feel the ground again under your feet.

I struggle to maintain a simple conversation because what matters to others seems pointless to me and I lack the energy to fake it. And what matters to me is too blurry and unreal to be expressed by words.

I am just a shadow these days desperate to attach myself to something real, something that will define me with real words. I want adjectives. And to be in someone's memories.

I wrap my apathy into a neat little package and shelve it along with a similar bunch from the past. I'm a fighter, I have it in me to push forward regardless my pain and despair, I'm wired to go on even when the fuel is almost out. And maybe life doesn't make much sense but until I'm withdrawn from it ,I will keep filling in the gaps with theories of my own making.

 

My Way Forward Has Been Blocked

 

I encountered the black hole.  I tried ignoring it but it was too big and too shockingly black not to notice. I tried walking around it, but it sucked in all the progress I have made. I attempted walking right through to come out at the other end but it spat me out, having awarded me a couple of bruises on top. Now all that I have left is to sit right in front of it and patiently wait till it dissolves. And in the mean time to heal all that it shattered inside of me along with the damage done by other, smaller black holes in my past. And once I do enough healing, and grow enough energy to attack and this time take over it, I will get up and give it my best, most determined attempt. And I will see that the black hole is gone like it was never there, and in its place there's a light-filled doorway through which I effortlessly walk in ...

Maybe these black holes appear on our way so as to prevent as from getting into the wrong realm? What if at this given period in life there's no single right option but a multitude of really bad ones, and we are better off stuck in the moment than get too deep and too far along the wrong path? And there's no gentle way to tell us to wait it out, till the sun spins the right number of times, until it's safe to proceed? Or maybe the answer is in the timing and then it's key to develop enough intuition to know with absolute clarity when the right moment comes to take the next step.

Until then I give my black hole one last look, suppressing my anger, paying my respects. And then I turn away from it and turn inward. It looks like I have work to do.

Finding Your Voice

 

“In life, finding a voice is speaking and living the truth. Each of you is an original. Each of you has a distinctive voice. When you find it, your story will be told. You will be heard.”

—John Grisham

I love Goodreads daily quotes because every time I find something that speaks to me directly, saying things I so need to hear right now. The quote about finding your voice, obvious as it might seem at first glance, led to the light bulb moment. Yes, I've been searching for my true identity, shedding off layers I've acquired in the years when I did nothing but tried to fit in. Even if at the cost of losing myself. And lately I've been struggling to regain everything I've so recklessly given away. It hasn't been easy - mostly it's two steps forward, one step back. My inclination to speak up my mind occasionally gets pushed back by the old habit to please and say what others want to hear. I vowed not to participate in gossips but can't help my curiosity, when someone suggests "Guess what..." But at least I started moving in the right direction, even if taking baby steps.

Finding my voice is similar to that process but it's also different. When you speak in your own voice, the sound vibrates with positive energy and you feel it flow through your whole body. Your voice has the power to always find the right things to say by expertly digging them out from the complex, entangled maze of your thoughts. But the voice knows, the kind of knowing that leaves no room for doubt, the absolute knowledge of "that is so".

It can be tempting to suppress your true voice because what it says isn't always to everyone's liking. And it calls out to suppressed true voices of those around you. Some of them will respond with gratitude, others will hide their voice even deeper, unwilling to mess with something as powerful as that, a threat to their comfort. But I want to have the courage to stick with my true voice, because what it brings to the world is compassion, wisdom, light and peace. I want to speak with the voice that soothes, heals and shows the way.

Hitting the Wall

So, what's new... I feel like I've made a full circle yet again and came back to where I started. You live with one way of thinking, your peculiar perception system, and then as you get exposed to something new that truly speaks to you, you leave your old beliefs to follow the new path. And as it unravels, as you nod in agreement - "yes, yes, yes!" - the world amazes you with wonders you haven't noticed before. Even though they lay there in plain sight all along. But as you go deeper and deeper into this new knowledge, it gets too condensed, too artificially-sweetened, until you reach the point of paradox, where one obvious contradiction negates the whole approach and everything you've been accepting as real. You are back to square one, too disappointed to bring from the journey those couple of points that weren't that bad. It's like reading a book with a stellar beginning that soon turns into trivial, amateurish writing with a predictable end. Screw the beginning and its alluring promise of great things - it's a one-star read, period.

So here's how it goes with me every time I stumble upon an ultra-new, fail-proof shortcut to happiness. First I get all excited and hopeful, abandon all my old beliefs in favor of these newly found wisdoms, experiment daily, eagerly awaiting the awesomely positive results. And then I see how little if nothing changes. Or that this new system skips important concepts if it's unable to bend them to their otherwise universal rules. I feel disappointed, annoyed, mislead, fooled. It's like you were given wings and you are enjoying flying for the first time until the moment you realize the wings are just imaginary, and you are high above the ground and nothing is going to hold you, so the only way for you is to go down with the gravity pull, back to where you were in your pre-wing life.

It doesn't mean that I won't keep reading, and pondering, and trying out new ideas. It's just that maybe everything is true and nothing is true, so in the end it doesn't matter what you are thinking, or doing. You will still keep going and it doesn't matter which religion or belief-system support each of the steps you make. You are getting somewhere and there's no way to say if you are in the right spot, of if there's such a thing as the right spot.

So, another day, and I may choose to be active and submerge in the pool of activities, busy myself with life-changing acts or curl up with an entertaining book and do nothing else but read. It's just another day and it's been lived.

How do You Keep Faith that Things Will Work Out for Your Highest Good?

What do I tell someone who's going through a challenging life phase? What if this someone is me? How do I lovingly persuade myself that "this too shall pass"? How instead of getting stuck in the moment and panicking I embrace myself for the obstacles because they are a necessary nudge to shake me up, make me move forward?

If you are settled into your sweet comfort, submerged in the haze of status quo, rest assured Lady Fate will come with a huge bat and give you a much needed blow. Before you know it, you no longer gaze sleepily at your possible destiny, you run toward it as fast as you can, before another blow finds you.

And it doesn't matter if while on the road of trials you remain strong and keep your face and dignity, or you succumb to the pain and fear, and wail like a wounded animal. The only thing that counts is that you keep pushing forward.

Many warriors scream on the top of their lungs as they lead the way into the battle. It helps scare the enemy but also suppress, deafen their own fear. Maybe I too, should give in to panic and yell out "I'm scared", and then repeat it a hundred, two hundred times, till it loses its meaning and power over me.

What do I tell myself in this trying times? That I'm given a loving push and, though it hurts now, it will take me to a new place, my next train station where I'll get off and experience life all over again. Things always have a way of working out and someone knows what they are doing, putting me through this obstacle maze.

Upsize

 

 

Maybe I deserve better... The mere thought suggests a whole wonderful rich world that exists out there, that I never dared to claim. Up till now I was pretty confident that life was generous enough to me and I collected a lot of ripe fruit into my gifts-from-life basket. Or maybe I busted my ass to fill up that basket. The details don't really matter at this point, what counts is that I should have the sufficient amount of happiness material to just sit back and enjoy it all. Yet it doesn't work that way. We are wired to hoard up our accumulated happiness and then venture out for more.

I have to admit I set up my own limitations. So today I decided to do something nice for myself and got a treat of delicious Pinkberry frozen yogurt.  I carefully picked the flavors I liked and then asked how many toppings I could have. The lady at the counter said somewhat hesitant - "for this size cup - three toppings". I ended up getting just two because I was afraid that asking for three is just too much. Almost as if subconsciously I quickly assessed myself and determined that I'm only worthy two toppings. And then I realized that it's exactly what I do with my life: I go for happiness, but I just don't go all the way. I hold back limiting my desires and advances by the golden rule of moderation. If I get some of what I want, wanting more is selfish. But is it really? I deserve to at least consider possibilities my old cautious self would decline by instinct. That's not for me, let others do it I used to think.

What if I change the perspective. What if I start believing that wanting more is not only okay, it's what I actually deserve. I'm worth having more caring people in my life, more adventure, more fun, more knowledge, more dreams. If the Universe offers its gifts in abundance, do they remain unclaimed thanks to the "humble" individuals like myself, who opt for a smaller share? I don't mean to become greedy where you suffer about not having enough without ever enjoying and feeling grateful for what you already have. I just don't want to feed on the crumbs as the Universe is waiting all puzzled about when I will come for the main meal. It's okay to upsize, to get all the toppings you are eligible for, to try more favors. Sometimes "more" is all about a healthier self-esteem, about enriching your life once you start believing that your capacity is limitless. For now I will move the mark a little higher and watch more happiness pour in to the newly available space.



No more 12-12-12

 

12-12-12 happened to be a day in my life that I could have crossed out and pretended it never happened. It was not a good day for me. In fact it was the darkest day in the whole year - so much for the pretty number combination.

My son's teacher told the class it is a magic date and kids should all make a wish before they go to bed so that their wish got granted. I want my share of magic to undo some of the damage that was done today. So I will make my wish before I say good bye to this sad day. And I'm certainly glad it won't happen again for a century.

... and my wish is ....

TO HAVE THE WISDOM TO SEE THE RIGHT FROM THE WRONG AND MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, EVEN WHEN EMOTIONS DISTORT MY VISION

How Does the Universe Work

We live on a planet that is more multi-dimensional than we can possibly imagine. Because beyond the visible world, there are layers and layers of things that have no physical substance. Yet they are real and very much present. The fact that they have no shape or color certainly makes them harder to grasp, but ignoring them will not eradicate them from your life.

Take a tree for example: objectively it's just a tree with one and only way to describe it's physical nature. But if you send it through a complex mechanism of your subjective interpretation, it expands its meaning and purpose exponentially. Tree as a symbol, inspiration, source of energy, trigger of thoughts and dreams that would evade our attention otherwise. So here's the world beyond our visible existence, which is a vast grid of human thoughts, feelings, motives, interpretations and purposes that vibrate invisibly day and night and give direction to all things physical.  And above it all there's the world of eternal wisdom.

Material objects are always the same and the change they undergo in their life cycle is very predictable thus supporting this law of the sameness. We know what things are at the moment and what they are going to be when they change. The invisible field however is constantly morphing, affecting our perception of things depending on the "charge" we get from it through invisible connection.

So maybe there's a grand plan for all of us, and maybe there's more than one path to take. There's probably a passion we were born to pursue, with a multitude of sub-passions to entertain and educate us along the way. But in order to pass to the new reality, where the unknown becomes known, in order to attach yourself to this source of wisdom, you have to initiate the search. If everything gets handed down to us on a silver platter, it would be too easy.

So how do you find the outlet to this omnipotent energetic field, how do you connect to the right source of energy and inspiration? How do you get magic out of thin air? By finding your magic steps.

Mend what's broken (from a hole in your pocket to broken relationships, this will restore the flow of energy)

Use the power of words (saying makes it real)

Explore small things (for they are just the beginning of something big, that is at the moment too enormous for you to grasp because you are not ready. So start small)

Create where there was nothing before (a blank sheet of paper, uncultivated plot of land, empty space. Why use someone else's portal to the world of spiritual bliss? You can create an entrance of your own. You just draw a door and then watch it open) Also: create today what didn't exist yesterday.

Cultivate your belief (It's too weak on its own without constant supply of fuel. Create a ritual, say a mantra, establish a habit, read and make notes. Anything that will empower your "I believe" till it becomes an indispensable part of you, till it is you.)

Why We Need Success Even Where We Don't Need It

 

I've had a job interview that went very positively for me. In fact, they were so excited about me being such a good match for the job, they were all ready to give me an offer. The only problem was that I didn't want it. I was saved from the final step, meeting with the CEO, by the fact that he stepped out for an unplanned meeting with a client. As I was leaving the building I saw him entering through another door and felt like a Cinderella, making her escape.

Yet I felt bitter-sweet relieved. Yes, it's somewhat of a disappointment when you get something good you didn't really ask or have no good use for. And it can be real tricky to tell the right from the wrong in the context of your personal preferences. But I needed it to go well for me as a testament to my abilities, so that I could tell "you got it!" to my self-esteem and raise my standards. If I can pass this interview, I can do it again for my dream job.

Life gives us these occasional freebies for a reason. We just can't always guess which one it is each time. To show us that we are on the right track? Or that there's always hope, it's just taking longer sometimes to achieve what we truly want? To prepare us for the right occasion so that we didn't blow our chances when it finally arrived?

What I know is today I felt present and more awake than I did in a long time. I felt like my life was actually happening and not just in my head,  I moved from the shielding shadows and, though briefly, played the lead role. It felt good to be back.  

A New Day Will Always Come

 

How fragile is our comfort. Maybe my mom is right after all and we should always be prepared for the worst: train our bodies for deprivation, be used to the prolonged feeling of hunger, to the absence of basic necessities. It should always be in the back of our minds that many of the luxuries we have and frequently take for granted can vanish in a blink of an eye.

We depend on our possessions and only losing them makes it clear that we are incapable of finding comfort elsewhere. We need our things to be happy. We each build a small private universe around our possessions and as we see them go, we can't help the feeling of being sucked into a black hole. Kids are so different from us in that sense. They can still be overpowered by joy even under the worst of circumstances. Kids can spot and enjoy countless things of interest even in the deteriorated reality; they will invent a fun game and play it among the rubble.

So how do we adjust to the feeling of loss, to unexpected hardships and unplanned turns of events? Should we try to restore normalcy at all costs, get things to the way they were so that we could blissfully forget the dire times and move on? Or maybe it's wise to dwell on the experience, to seek some deeper meaning and adjust the mindset so that it could encompass these new unfortunate possibilities. Appreciate what we have, but above all appreciate life and value things that aren't as easy to lose: our body in good health and working condition, our head that has enough knowledge to find a way out of any situation and our heart, that finds joy where we didn't look before, too busy multiplying and holding on to our possessions.

Why "Be Safe" are Not Just Words

You are not supposed to mess with natural disasters, ignore evacuation orders, think that you know better, that media yet again is blowing it out of proportion. Hours before hurricane Sandy hit New York,  I was watching journalists interviewing people who decided to stay in their homes and ignore the government's plea to evacuate. Everyone was saying the same thing: we left last year during the hurricane Irene and nothing bad happened, so this year we are standing. I was immediately struck by the illogic of their thinking: how can you compare one hurricane to another? As if these natural monsters always strike the same way, damage the same property and injure the same people? And on top of that, people were making the comparison after they've been told a number of times that the coming storm is entirely different from the last year's one.

So why can't we learn a lesson unless we experience firsthand this danger, the deathly breath of the calamity we otherwise refuse to believe is possible. Do we really have to look the death in the face to practice caution? I remember coming to the nearby park a few days ago to sit in the quiet of the nature with my book, to enjoy some crisp autumn air. But as I went deeper into the park, I realized that I was the only person there. Such an eerie but almost exciting feeling of being all by myself in this magic kingdom of trees. But instantly I had the alarming thought that many crimes happen in secluded parks and should I get attacked, I could count on no help.  I was already there, hypnotized by the incessant rustle of the falling leaves, itching to get immersed in my book and forget the world. So I stayed. And only later I thought it through and realized how it was not worth the risk. Nothing bad happened this time, it's possible that nothing bad will ever happen but why mess with my luck?

When we get the warning the first time we listen and comply, by the second and third times we begin to lose vigilance. I heard that new drivers are less likely to have accidents the first year they are driving in spite of their far-from-perfect driving skills. But they are still afraid so they pay attention and practice safe driving. But as they get more confident they engage in some risky maneuvers that don't end so well.

Our problems begin when we lose fear and replace it with self-confidence. Maybe it's good for career growth or with personal aspirations, but when it comes to mother nature and basic safety precautions, you don't consider yourself invincible. You don't make silly jokes to stress your fearless nature but think back about all the past victims of a similar disaster. You ask yourself: what can I do to keep me and my family safe. And then you do it even if the whole world laughs in your face. Because we've all learned at some point the bitterness of "I told you so"  and it's better to waste your time but stay safe than keep your cool just to lose everything in the end.

Dealing with Rush

 

What is my average day like? It's a constant struggle to keep up - with time, my own demands to myself, my to-do lists with half the items remaining unchecked at the end of the day. And then there's this buzzing irritation, annoyance that is always in the background: why cannot I just live instead of being in a state of preparation for living?

Sometimes I believe that if only I got non-important things out of the way, I could focus on things that matter, where my undivided attention should be. But before I get to that matter of importance, I need to make sure nothing will distract me: my house is clean, the meals are cooked, the laundry is done and clothes are put away. It's just that once I finish the full cycle of house work, the new one begins almost right away. All I really get in between is a couple of hours, when I'm too tired to tend to serious things and would rather watch a light-mood movie.

So what is the solution to end my daily race, to dig out some time for myself from a pile of never-ending chores? Up to this point all my to-do lists and time-management plans have failed simply because I run out of time before I run out of things to do. Maybe the only true solution is to start the day with that one thing, that I believe to be the most important. Even if it's something trivial like finishing a book. Or something more productive such as creating a photo book about our recent trip. And then maybe that feeling of satisfaction, the pride that I actually got something accomplished will serve as the fuel to get everything else done.

Thinking Out Loud

There are some lessons I've learned lately, about life in general and about myself. You can seek balance in life but you can't get too comfortable. Wrapping yourself with cushions all around leaves you too vulnerable to an accidental blow - and you may rest assured it will come sooner or later. Occasional troubles and issues to overcome keep you prepared enough for a serious challenge. Strive to achieve harmony and peace but don't count on perfect weather conditions to last endlessly.

My rich inner life seems so much more interesting than life around me, that I make less and less effort to live for real. The actual life has too much room for disappointment whereas the flow inside my head can be adjusted to my liking. But rather than shutting the doors, I need to uncover the channels that will let some parts of my essence exit and mingle with the world. And everyone will benefit from this liberation - I will be a more interesting, genuine person to be around, and at the same time it will encourage a more meaningful interaction and provide me with additional food for thought, without which I start to malfunction.

Living on the wrong assumptions can go on for years and totally screw up your way of thinking and your perception. Until you are given a glimpse of what it's like to be on the other end, when people think of you what they shouldn't based on the misinterpretation of the signals. Which leads to the question of me misinterpreting those very signals in the past. So even if you establish that something is true, you should still leave room for doubt, unless your suspicion was confirmed by words said out loud. And even then the chance is remaining that it's not 100% so.

My recent conclusions show that whatever direction you pick, you only go straight for that long. Sooner or later you reach the point where you either deviate slightly or turn 90 degrees and determine that you were wrong and the opposite of your previous views is true. Nothing is certain in life and exploring the multiple theories regarding some important aspect of it can lead to surprising discoveries.

Perfect the Way I Am

 

I thought I was over the whole 'what people think' problem but apparently I'm not. And the vibes coming my way from certain double-faced people still get to me. It's not even the need to prove myself because that would mean playing their games, which I'm done with long ago. It's the fact that they still manage to belittle me in my own eyes, to poison me into thinking that I'm worse than them.

That need to be validated by others can push us in all the wrong directions. I should know better by now but I still cannot help feeling sad. Painful memories from my adolescent years perhaps? I was showing the old photos to my son, saying "this girl here used to be my best friend but then she no longer was because..." and I still don't have a clear "because" to why she chose not to be my friend at some point. Somehow I did not fit into her perfect picture any more. Back then I felt hurt and lonely, today I just feel bitter.

Or maybe the problem is that I am too quick to withdraw. Like a delicate flower I shut close at the first sign of danger, however imaginary it is. And mostly I don't give second chances. I realize that my friendliness is the best way to disarm their well-hidden animosity, that rather than waste my time on mulling over their hostile glances I can smile at them and move on. And focus on nurturing that inner light, the unconditional love that's theirs to take if they want. For free. The kindness and forgiveness that will envelop me like in a cocoon and make the attitude and opinion of others irrelevant. Because once I am transformed into a new serene state of being, I leave my old form behind, in the ugly world of the earthly insects. My soul is now a butterfly and I am born to fly free. I am nothing but perfection, the beauty in and out.

How Have You Been?

I am thinking of you, and you, and you. Of all the people from my past. You see I have time now. It makes me sad when I can't remember the face that used to matter once. Sometimes all I remember is words as if they are still ringing in my ears. Or I can see them on my photographic memory display, if they were first typed and then sent to me. With some people all I remember is the feeling: how I felt when they were around and then how I felt when they were gone.

When I get lonely, I imagine meeting someone from the past, things we would talk about, questions we'd ask. I know I've changed but will they like the new me? I like this version of myself better but maybe they will think that all my flair has been lost. But then again I won't care as much what they think.

I'm not in the midst of things anymore. I am on the edge, comfortably close to people yet safely detached. There's still so much I need to understand about interaction and the right balance between opening up and shielding what no one needs to see. At least for the time being. And I wish I had a better understanding of how much I am allowed to affect someone in order to make a positive difference as opposed to causing pain.

But today I'm thinking that if we were to bump into each other by chance, I would be nice to you, and smile an encouraging smile that would melt the ice of the past. I would ask you what's new in your life and tell you what's new in mine. I would say it was great seeing you again and walk away knowing that we'll never see each other again. Because if life gives us a chance to make things right, it means that deep inside we needed a closure to the situation of the past, without which we cannot move into the future.

All you have to do during this random encounter is ask me "why". And I would say to some of you that I didn't know better, or that I was scared, or that I did it for your benefit even though it hurt us both. Then maybe you could finally erase my name from your memory, or remove the negative imprint I've left on your soul. And knowing that you've moved on, I would stop seeing you in my dreams and move on too.

Imagine, Create, Transform

Mental acuity was never born from comfortable circumstances. Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Every day is a new chapter and it starts from a blank page. We get to write whatever we want on it. Some of us choose to leave it only half full, others copy most of what was written the previous day and just throw in a new word here and there. There are pages where words are so many that they are literally crammed into the limited space. But mostly the words are sparse and monotonous to the point they lose the meaning behind the all-too-familiar curves.  

I come up with projects, put together lists, challenge myself and add as much new to my routine as I comfortably dare. But days are just passing by without taking my breath away. And this passage of time takes over my waning enthusiasm and I let these days just be, soothed by their monotony and the abundance of feeling-good time. But sooner or later too much comfort turns to discomfort. I'm losing my train of thought because my brain turns too mushy-sleepy. There was this very important thought I wanted to mull over I tell myself, but I don't remember what it was or why it was so meaningful. But the escapee is irretrievably gone and I can't say I miss it.  

And then I get scared: so tomorrow will be just like today, and like the day to follow? But life gives us a major breakthrough only a limited amount of times. And mostly when we are least prepared and totally unexpectant. It doesn't mean we should sit back and relax till the next big turn of events. Every day is a new chapter and we get to decide how much to write so that the following chapters pick up from a more interesting point. The cause-and-effect relationship of our daily decisions with the events that follow must be one of the most unexplored areas of the science of human destiny. We can open one tiny side door and find ourselves in a totally new world; once the terrain shifts everything changes and we can't always track what caused this transformation of things. Neither do we have the time to play the if-game as we are forced to deal with the new circumstances. But that's precisely what makes everyday life so thrilling: the possibility of experiments, the little steps you take, this stirring motion of yours that sends ripples beyond all traceable points. And then you just wait how the universe will respond.

Not Enough Words

The nonverbal brain knows things you haven't put in words.
What do you almost know? Let it come into your
awareness; speak it.
--Martha Beck

I've been thinking lately how much I feel inside, how many interesting thoughts are swarming in my head, and how inadequate is my ability to express any of it. Writing blog posts is a tremendously helpful channel to bring our inner life to the external world. Another favorite quote of mine on the subject by Gayle Brandeis - "We don't know what we know until we write it". I've had so many revelations about myself through writing: about the issues I didn't know I had, or the solutions to the challenges I've encountered.

Writing gives form to our seemingly shapeless, blurry pondering. But so does speaking. I wish I could add the depth to the conversations I'm having  with all sorts of people. I wish I could believe that I will find listeners as soon as I summon the courage to speak up, open up, disclose myself without holding back. I wish life hasn't taken away so many people I connected with and could share my thoughts with freely.

If everything is a lesson, then what am I to learn from this current void? Have my fears pushed these people away? Have I not tried hard enough to look for and initiate connection with those who I could call like-minded? For now I can only hope that everything will change as I'm learning to express myself on a new level - and maybe "listeners will follow". I should better start practicing voicing those sacred, intimate thoughts, even if just one a day, even though the walls are my only listeners.  

Living is Risky, Not Living is Wasteful

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.” —Neil Gaiman

The biggest mistake in the way I lived was overusing my improved ability to turn my back to the wind, whatever side it was blowing from. My protective back would hide me for all the bad, worrisome, annoying and heartbreaking that life sent my way. All I had to do was stay alert and rotate my position in anticipation of the next blow so that by the time it hit me I could no longer see or experience it at its full force. Like a snail hides inside its shell at the first sign of danger.

The only problem with this approach to life is that with time more and more events and interactions get classified as "danger". And even when common sense told me there was nothing to be afraid of, I still chose to hide just in case. To say that I was missing out would be an understatement. I existed in such a narrow world, all fenced up against real life, a slave to my assumptions which weren't necessarily true.

All highly-sensitive people are extremely protective of their delicate emotional structure. But avoiding excessive experiential stimulation and limiting any situations that can stir some unnecessary feelings will inevitably lead to an internal conflict, when you realize how much you crave life but too afraid to live it.

I'm taking baby steps in reversing this erroneous way of thinking. I'm taking risks by opening up and reaching out. I re-learn to make eye contact and be the one to initiate a conversation. I'm ready to get burned but sometimes our burns and scars are the best testament to the fact that WE LIVED.