I try to
make sense of things, events, coincidences but connecting the dots seems as
useless as picking and interpreting a random card from the deck. It can mean
one thing, or another, or nothing at all.
If everybody
finds their true self and follows their call, who will remain to sweep the
streets and guard the prisoners? Maybe
it's not about a job after all, like a good actor is not about the roles he is
given to play.
They say
only what's inside matters but without the external events I have no story to
tell, and without a story I'm nothing. So I let life shape me, I try on
different faces and personalities; some grow onto me, others give me allergic
reaction and I'm itching to shed them.
Sometimes we
are forced to swim from one bank to another. And there's nothing you can do
during those long laps but paddle with all your might to get to your destination
faster. You could try to do some thinking about life in the process, but eventually you lose sight
of how it ought to be until you feel the ground again under your feet.
I struggle
to maintain a simple conversation because what matters to others seems
pointless to me and I lack the energy to fake it. And what matters to me is too
blurry and unreal to be expressed by words.
I am just a
shadow these days desperate to attach myself to something real, something that
will define me with real words. I want adjectives. And to be in someone's
memories.
I wrap my
apathy into a neat little package and shelve it along with a similar bunch from the
past. I'm a fighter, I have it in me to push forward regardless my pain and
despair, I'm wired to go on even when the fuel is almost out. And maybe life
doesn't make much sense but until I'm withdrawn from it ,I will keep filling in the
gaps with theories of my own making. 
