inside out

Autumn Blur

2011-11-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

It makes me sad to realize that more and more often joy leaks out of my eyes leaving hollow space. Over-worked, ever-busy woman that needs to squeeze an unimaginable amount of to-do volume into each given week to feel good about herself. I am afraid to seize the regular flapping motion because then I am in the power of a stream. By checking things off my list, I can maintain the illusion that it's me who is in control.

But being busy can be such a bliss, it helps you ignore the screaming gaps in your happiness. Occasionally these moments of realization and acknowledgment hit me hard as if knocking all breath out of my lungs. Some things are so pathetic you want to laugh out loud if only it was not you they were happening to. The same wall I always hit because somehow I always manage to forget it's there. And I have to turn around and go back to being humble. Because if nothing has changed in that many years maybe the wall is my life-long "award".

It's green light elsewhere, but for some reason this particular road is closed to me. There are endless opportunities to explore in numerous other directions, yet deep power, painful longing brings me back to the same spot, every time with various amounts of hope.

Have I done enough? Have I earned the right to cross over? Will the light ever turn to green for me?

Random

2011-10-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

There are thin invisible layers in our life. Living within. Reading signs. Interpreting coincidences. Knowing without proper understanding how you know…

I tend to overwhelm myself with these mysterious elusive layers, incorporating them into my daily reality as very legitimate components. Thinking thoughts I should not be thinking, persuading myself that as long as they are just thoughts, which would never leave the premises of my head, no harm is done to anyone. But do those secret thoughts really stay secret? You lose control over yourself for half a second and they come streaming out of your eyes, or as this big warmth radiating from your whole body.

If I put a restraint on myself I feel dead. A dried-up well. If I cut myself loose, I do lots of damage. I promise slip-ups won’t happen again. Yet they do. Because most of it is unintentional. Or sub-conscious, which is the same thing.

As I manage to get a tight grip on my way of thinking and acting, as I correct my ways to being 100% proper, I suddenly feel the attack of such an immense feeling of boredom that for a moment I fear I will never be able to breathe. So I let myself have these little moments of excitement, this genuine joy that I disguise as something situation-appropriate. I indulge in just the right portion of inappropriate thinking, like a former chain-smoker indulging in one cigarette at the end of the day. The hard part is to maintain the smallness, to contain it before it grows out of proportion. When it concerns other people, their thoughts and actions count too. So as long as you can tell yourself I wasn’t the one to cross this line first…

Living with this load of reality, desires, principles and random acts that don’t match, don’t exist in the same plateau, is like trying to make a picture using pieces from different puzzles. There will always be parts that don’t belong here, that disrupt your perception of a picture, that capture all your attention by the way they stand out.

I mostly know what doing the right thing is, but how about feeling the right thing? What are the rules there? Do we even have control of how we feel? Because if not, then the guilt is not justified and can be “set free” as an atavism. I’m just tired of censoring my feelings, the way I am just because it’s in conflict with my lifetime principles. I want to feel what I feel. And sometimes I want to act upon it.

Why I Couldn't See

2011-09-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

It surprises me to snap out of my acceptance when I least expect it. And I’ve been accepting a lot lately. So be it, it is what it is, these are the cards I’ve been dealt. And then out of the blue comes the crushing thought – I can no longer put up with it. Acceptance provides comfort but also drugs you into oblivion: there was something I aspired for, some kind of aim and purpose; if only I could shake up my mind, dust if off, I would certainly recall what the ultimate purpose was. I’m afraid to forget. I let circumstances shape me into something I wouldn’t expect I would turn to. I should be able to rise above and stay true to myself. Evolve – yes, but not dissolve into this nebula of human activity.

I begin to realize that every post here is a shout-out to my true self, like when you rummage in the dark looking for something and feel so much relief when your hand finally reaches for it, so you know it’s still there, waiting to be pulled back to light. Why do I complain every day? You can either change the circumstances that fail to satisfy you or do the best of your current situation. It’s important to stay up-beat no matter how forced it is. Else you will lose yourself to the grudge virus and nothing will ever be good enough. But I forget to program myself, do the mental work that is required to stay happy and keep your face: I slip into the trench of grumpiness and judgment. I have my high standards and everyone who fails to live up to them deserves my harsh criticism. And I, myself, often fall into this category of unworthy.

So I forget, I accept this side of me and even let it take the dominating place and dictate the rules. I follow my immediate impulse: it’s always easy to go with the stream, isn’t it? If I feel like complaining, I will not deprive myself of the pleasure. Moody, grumpy, somewhat arrogant. I even started cursing again, which was so against my principles not so long ago. Who is this person? Why do I want to stick with it? Because I’ve been too busy lately to read any inspirational stuff to fuel me and send me moving in the right direction? I’ve been restless and I thought I knew the source of this restlessness, but I was wrong. Being busy fills up your life but often shuts down your mindfulness. That’s when you accept, forget and move blindly until you realize that you’re lost.

Why is Stupidity so Hard to Bear?

2011-08-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

No mind, however loving, could bear to see plainly into all the recess of another mind. - Thomas A. Benett

Thank god for smart people. Even though I haven’t dealt with any for a while, for what seems like a really long time. I’ve been surrounded by or bumped into rare idiots that by now not as much as annoy but rather amuse me with their level of stupidity. It’s bad to be judgmental and we should all practice forgiveness, be lenient on others weaknesses and shortcomings. But stupidity in high concentration can throw anyone off balance especially since in most cases it tags arrogance along. If you deal with people who lack brain power you cannot remain calm, or play along, or descend to their level – the annoyance in you will keep building up till it explodes. No amount of training can prepare you enough to deal with stupidity. It will always take you off guard and bring the most impulsive negative reaction.

You can try to shut them out, ignore them entirely, turn them into your enemy so that hostility is always present to protect you from direct involvement. But those stupid comments will find a way to sneak to your head and get stuck there because you’ll keep coming back to the place they hit, as if hypnotized by the mere fact such non-sense is possible.

I look at my life in disbelief – where are you, smart people, why all of a sudden you evade me? What have I done to scare away Lady Wisdom and attract the under-thinking rabble? Why am I being forced to fence off their “genius” ideas before they contaminated my already-deteriorating mindset and turned me into an equally arrogant fool? Maybe it’s time to hear some smart people talk – to restore resilience and fight the stupidity virus off.

Deep Waters

2011-08-09T07:11:00.001-07:00

Day-to-day activities. Small whirlpools that keep spinning fast yet barely leave any traces behind. Once the water dries - it’s like the spot was never wet. But we often let ourselves get caught up in these daily routines, award them more meaning than they are or deserve. We forget what’s important, pushing it back in our consciousness, confident that the day will come when things will slow down and we’ll have time to ponder. But on slow days we feel uncomfortable without the addictive routine to fill up space and time. When all this postponed thinking comes crashing – we panic. Too much to process, life that is too big to comprehend. It’s easier to shut the mind and keep all the noise out. Small life, small deeds, small thoughts…

Some days I succumb to the comfort of non-thinking, give myself completely to the busyness of the modern world. I push my limits and find myself on new levels: I think I evolve by letting the ever-evolving stream of life suck me in and push me forward. But there’s THE meaning that is above it all, the eternal truth that has nothing to do with where I am today or where I will be tomorrow. I always find it when I make an effort to stop. Because it’s always there, right in front of us, readily available whenever we cease playing games and drop all pretense.

It’s usually the big events that bring us back to truth: we unlearn to ignore it and open our eyes to see it, to face it. But once the emotions calm down, the catharsis is over, - we avoid the “eye-contact” again. We look but don’t really see, think but make no conclusions. I remind myself to pause and reconnect with my true inner-self, then I forget my own reminders and stay in shallow waters for months, avoiding depth. I forget that I can look with dignity, proceed with determination and speak with honesty and meaning: I forget to be myself...all the way...

Choice or Feeling?

2011-07-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

Does non-stop moving take you away from sad thoughts or yourself? Does chasing goals fill your life with meaning or simply helps days end faster? Is anything real because it’s meant to be or do you make up your own reality? The answer is always BOTH. There isn’t one thing in life that is absolute, it’s a unity of the opposite poles – hence, never-ending fight of what should be mutually-exclusive ideas; ever-present paradox. You just need to lean towards one pole more than the other, yet keeping both in mind as possible. It’s like choosing to be good yet acknowledging that there will always be room for mistakes.

Can your true personality be tested by an impulse? When a neighbor’s girl came to our house bleeding because she cut herself badly on the glass, my husband mumbled “why don’t you call 911” and I screamed “let’s go, we are taking you to the hospital”. Does that make him bad (well, he was extremely tired) and me good because I didn’t question my decision for a second? We spent three hours in the emergency room and my sister, upon hearing the story, said that maybe one day someone will help me too because I need it, this will compensate for all the inconvenience we went through. But that’s not how I was thinking! I wasn’t earning points maybe for once in my life. It did feel absolute. There are many decisions I make out of duty whereas emotionally I’m out of it: I force myself to be good and to care whereas my true self doesn’t give a damn. And it upsets me because I am a supporter of goodness. So it makes me feel relieved to care for real, as if I surprise myself with my own capabilities, with the grandness of my heart I didn’t know was there.

And what does really count? Being good because that’s the way to be or being genuinely good because your heart is in it? Or be honestly indifferent? Or cultivate goodness in the place of indifference and thus slowly push it out? Will the law of the transformation of quantity into quality apply here?

Happy, Passive, Lazy

2011-07-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

I want to challenge myself but I’ve had too much long-sought comfort lately to rush and disrupt it. I cherish this comfort, I cherish sleeping through the night because no anxiety chases the sleep away. But I also feel like I’m getting too inert, too sleepy, too lazy…. This recent inactivity after a chain of my previous battles has slowly been turning from a getaway to a burden. You want to avoid any kind of extremes in life, even the positive ones, since they soften you up, turn your brain into a mushy jelly, opiate the acuteness of feeling.

I made it easier for myself to give up, to accept that “it is what it is”, to postpone making decisions till some indefinite future moment when “the opportunity presents itself”. I feel being dragged by days that come and go, only occasionally rebelling and briefly taking control back. But once I get really angry because my passiveness resulted in the undesirable deviation in the course of things, my determination and will resurface with long-forgotten strength. Then I begin fixing what went wrong, amazed by a number of options I failed to see or consider before.

This mind slumber is dangerous. Even once you snap yourself out of trance and successfully implement all your life-changing reforms, it’s painful to look back, to feel regret for time lost. Apparently staying alert takes effort: even if it means challenging yourself on a daily basis to achieve simple tasks that are not crucial for your well-being yet essential for self-discipline. Staying open-minded and flexible will help you notice sooner the dead-end ahead and promptly change direction.

Book Cure

2011-06-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been obsessed with everything books. Goodreads.com has been my guilty pleasure and secret getaway for a few months now. I like to read books, and I like to read about what others like to read. I enjoy book reviews even for books I haven’t read; scanning through the “most popular” and “most read” lists, checking out upcoming book releases, admiring fancy book covers.

I read through my childhood simply because there was nothing else to fill up huge chunks of free time with. But as I was growing up, I read less, and less, and less… First it was the excessive demand of school and the need to keep up with my studies. Then more and more fun TV shows were emerging, leaving little time for books. Then came the era of adolescence, partying, relationships, networking…. Next came those first challenging years in New York. Then having my baby. I read throughout it sporadically but it was nothing like compulsive reading I did as a child, reading that transferred me to the dreamy non-existent but nonetheless so real world, that stretched far beyond the gate of the book cover.

About a year ago I decided to make a comeback to the book paradise, which was once my refuge. First I didn’t know what to read and was asking everyone for suggestions. Now my to-read list is so long yet I keep adding more titles. I once read about bibliotherapy – “prescribing” certain kind of books to depressed people to elevate their pain. And I’ve been practicing this “alternative medicine” method ever since, self-prescribing fantasy, adventure-books or melancholic prose, depending on what my emotional state was at the time. What I noticed was the more I read, the shorter the bouts of darker mood would get. The random attacks of depression, melancholy or loneliness would get less aggressive and easier to endure. I simply couldn’t entirely focus on my problems anymore – there were other worlds, and characters, and story development that demanded my attention as well.

Oh, and how books were helping me with work related stress! I would replay the details of a business meeting over and over in my head, till I felt that my brain is about to boil. Emerging into a book put an instant end to work-thinking thoughts, relaxing those memory spasms that force you to jump back and think what could have been done differently. Some people go to a bar after work because they need help loosening the grip of stress - books are my universal cure.

No matter how things turn around – there are always books. To keep me company, to help me progress in my way of thinking, to teach something new or simply entertain me. With books I explore what I took for granted and see that there are more layers to everything. And I get to linger, hide comfortably in those layers. As long as there are books, I know I can handle life and what it throws at me, because I can recharge in the blissful world of intricately interwoven words.

Inspired by "A World Without Books"

Things That Make Me Sad: MONDAYS!

2011-06-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

It’s a horrible Monday and I am free-falling into abyss. So maybe I got up on the wrong side of bed, but bad news kept coming throughout the day. I cannot describe the sharpness of my urge to quit trying just for one day, stop pretending that I can handle it because I can’t , I’m barely hanging by a thread. It’s just a rough day and on days like this people should be allowed to go home and sleep through it. Anyway, no one but myself can grant me this kind of freedom (and I won’t do that because dealing with the consequences is a sure way to prolong the pain). I will keep hanging in there for the next few hours, hoping that tomorrow will truly be a fresh start.

But I would so much rather be here now:

Next Stop

2011-05-24T13:46:00.001-07:00

Imagine standing still on a platform of a train station. Everything is in commotion – people rushing, trains arriving and departing, workers sweating. The atmosphere is tense and mindlessly exciting. But you are not part of this big movement, you stepped aside and let everything pass you by. You are observing the crowd, trying to wrap your mind around one question: what’s the rush? Where are you guys running? Can I run with you? There is a barely comprehensible need to be with these people, to follow the stream of heads and bodies, that movement full of purpose and determination.

So you focus hard in order to find your own focus and determination in your head, where you believe they should be stored. You manage to pull out a couple of lazy forced goals, which will do for the moment, and happily join the crowd. Now you are running along with everybody else, wearing a proper expression of preoccupation on your face. You’re nervously checking the time because you are running late. You get annoyed by someone stepping on your foot, or by an accidental elbow jolt. But you already caught on the rhythm of the race: your thinking process becomes more shallow, your goal a blur, but as long as you follow the crowd you’ll get there…

And then you see a person standing aside, pensively observing the crowd. And you feel slightly annoyed that someone is wasting time on idleness. You are proud to be a member of the purposefully running crowd. But you are also jealous because by now you are out of breath and there are still 2 days till you reach the next weekend, which is your scheduled stop. And that person, standing there on the platform, seems to be having a good time. Of course, he doesn’t have my responsibilities, you think angrily. I could enjoy that kind of leisure instead of the crazy run.

This is you, ever anxious to join the race of life, not to miss out, always to make it on time. And this is you, dying to get out of the crowd, to break free and enjoy a still moment, to see life for what it is in its entirety, not bits and pieces you spot when running. And even as you steal those moments of quiet, in no time you crave to be back in the race. This is the paradox, the idea of freedom that you’ll never reach, because you are living in two different dimensions, which can never merge, become one. And you will always want both.

Something New

2011-05-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I feel this acute longing for changes. Once you reach some kind of stability in life, it won’t be long before it starts burdening you with its sense of predictability and boredom. And you are surprised at your own thoughts of how much you want to escape this trouble-free life and go explore wilderness, or do something equally crazy. Then your favorite word becomes N-E-W, and you search for new anything to satisfy the craving of novelty that threatens to overturn your stable world. I guess it’s the impact of spring as well in a way it sharpens and fortifies your desires, and makes you look so far away and almost see something big there. Something is coming for you. New. Big.

These thoughts equally excite and scare me. Sometimes I fear that holding back too much will only result in a leap forward, some radical act to quiet the itching once and for all. I had my share of crazy acts in the past. But then I pulled back and did what they call settling down. And my life felt smaller. Comfortable and safe, but small, almost invisible.

So I decided to partner with the N-E-W in a different way and explore life from that perspective. I hear people saying all the time – if only I had a new job, a new house, a new spouse, a new (fill in the blank), my life would improve in an instant. I can’t be fooled by this utopic thinking. Because new becomes old pretty quickly, and how many Big New changes can you incur in a lifetime? It’s not like you can buy a new house every two months (and even that will become old pretty soon).
And I figured I should stick with a small N-E-W and hope to compensate its overall lack of bigness by quantity and diversity. I looked for small new things every day: a new book added to my to-read list, a new idea fished from someone’s blog that gave me food for thought, a new word that I stumbled upon and lookup up in thesaurus. I bought new curtains for my bedroom that fully block the sun and create this awesome, inexperienced before darkness every morning. I cut my hair. I wrote to people I didn’t write to before. I paired items of closing it didn’t occur to me to wear together before. I tried new kind of ice-cream.

And if I still long for some newness, I write a new blog post because it’s a sure way to create something new, something that never existed before. It guarantees enough satisfaction and sense of achievement, and it helps me get a healthy dose of novelty, without overdoing it, or getting overemotional. Every day can be a source of N-E-W, but rather than waiting for it to knock on your front door, go and get it.

When My Soul Flew Away

2011-05-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

When we were on vacation we saw a terrific circus performance. In fact there were so many precious moments during our one week getaway that it’s almost terrifying how quickly the memories are fading away and how desperately I want to hold on to them because our next vacation is at least a year away. Yet that circus show was THE grand impression that out-shadowed everything else. There was this athlete on a flying trapeze who was doing crazy stunts, and we, the crowd, forgot to breathe, but would exhale with every safe landing, and applaud, and hold our breath again 20 seconds later. He was flying under the open starlit sky, following the rhythm of a soft melody of Enya’s song.

I still listen to the song and every time I see him flying, and remember the moment and what I felt. It’s not like I was flying with him, but I wasn’t on the ground either, I was in a different dimension altogether. I felt so free, so myself, so connected to life and detached from it completely at the same time. It’s the effect that various forms of art have upon us at times – they help us escape life by transferring us to a new place, which feels like home, so escape is more like a return to where we belong.

It was the brightness of the stars above us, the rustle of the palm trees, the warmth of the breeze after a long winter, a sense of novelty that you always get on your first day of vacation in a new place, new country – all of these clicked and made the moment that was absolute in its perfection, the kind of moment you never want to end because you know this is it. The rare highlight of life when you are on cloud number 9. There are happy moments in daily life if you pay attention,they persuade you that life is good and make you feel grateful. Yet there are also crazy happy moments that grab your attention, and captivate you, shake you up emotionally and transform you spiritually. Those are the moments you store away, like treasure, out of oblivion's reach. And now that I put this memory in words, I immortalized it into a private harbor, where my mind can rest on days it loses perspective.

Things That Make Me Happy: Choco-love for Chocolove

2011-05-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

I decided that my blog needs a shakeup. Even though initially I resolved not to stick to any strict standards/protocol when it comes to updating the blog – just follow my heart and do what feels right at the moment. Yet it should be fun to start a series of posts on things that make me happy and things that make me sad. And I got to begin with something sweet, as in literary sweet, hence I will declare my love for chocolate. I developed choc-obsession after having a baby – I was pretty much indifferent to chocolate before. Now I love how it smells, looks, tastes and never fails to lift my spirit. And when my coworker came in wearing a short in a vivid chocolaty color, I felt good just from staring at his back...

My favorite brand is Chocolove, it takes me to a new level of chocohappiness.

The Rush

2011-05-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

I’m getting tired of having issues with Time. For some reason it got worse the past couple of weeks: I constantly feel like time is slipping through my fingers, turns into smoke and evaporates before I made good use of it. I used to be able to squeeze so much into each day with proper planning, but somehow the tactic has been failing me. Or I would feel that my days get overstuffed and there isn’t a single minute left to hibernate, process and shelve my thoughts to vacate space for newcomers.

I hope it’s some sharp turn that the Universe is taking right now, which makes time contract. And maybe we will get back on track soon when time will feel like its old self again and grant us back our taken away pleasures. Maybe long summer days will bring relief too by adding an extra hour of day light, or maybe I will learn to get by on less sleep (oh, how I envy all those who can operate on 6 hours of it!)

For now I feel rushed; every day is a race to accomplish that bare minimum that will let me sleep peacefully knowing that I didn’t put it off till tomorrow, which would double my daily load, throw me behind. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today! Nothing turns me off more than seeing dirty dishes in the sink first thing in the morning – a rather unpleasant hello from yesterday. So I rush to avoid any half-forgotten surprises in the morning, I rush to finish, check things off the list, fulfill the plan and draw a new one. I rush to spend time with my son, because he is growing up so fast. I rush to read through each page of the book, because there are too many books I want to read. I rush to bed every night or next day will be lost to recovery from lack of sleep. And I rush to have some time to myself, to organize thoughts and recharge. I rush through cooking dinner because I can’t stand the process. And I rush through the walk on the beach because there’s a million things to do at home.

Maybe this weekend, just for one day, I will hide my watch, turn off my cell and computer, ignore the dust on the furniture, eat sandwiches for dinner and have all the time in the world to do …nothing.

We Help Ourselves Through Helping Others

2011-04-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

I chatted with a friend of mine today and she sounded so cranky, annoyed with meaningless little things that we normally let pass unnoticed. But when your life takes a downturn those tiny details of existence begin to enlarge, gain in significance. So I felt her mood, like I feel it in my son occasionally, when he takes it out on me though I know I am not the source of his sorrows. I started digging and there were the things people said and did that offended her deeply and I know exactly why: she is angry with herself, disappointed for not being where she thought she would be, taking the blame for her failure to conform, to meet expectations, both their and hers. And all those people just voice her concern, her self-inflicted wounds she’s been trying to bury deep inside. She was feeling down because, like most of us, women, she couldn’t accept the difference between the anticipated and the real. We are not always handed the exact lot we envisioned, sometimes we can’t help the sense of wonder at how our lives turn out. And not always knowing what’s the next turn or when to expect it doesn’t help the matter much either…

Anyway, I sensed her mood and jumped to the rescue. I dug for true reasons, untangled the cause-and-effect thread, thought of ways to turn the problem around or at least re-frame it. I asked her to try not to sink. Or not to be sinking for too long: occasional luxury of allowing yourself to brood for a day or two is okay, as long as you don’t linger, don’t get sucked into the black hole of the life-sucks attitude. I told her things I tell myself when I am going down, or I wish someone told me. It’s all we really need sometimes: a true friend to care, to say “don’t feel bad”, because we forget to switch gears: and when you are stuck for too long, you don’t really realize you are stuck. Thinking the same thoughts, coming to the same conclusions, failing to see alternatives.

Today I came across a quote by a Buddhist monk: “You’re not good; you’re not bad; you just are”. And that’s what we tend to forget: to just be, to just be ourselves. To cease the self-punishment for being not good enough, or not having the right life (or even the right moment). Somehow you see it clearly when trying to reach out to a sinking friend, when trying to help because you know exactly how she feels. And soon you know that she feels better, and so do you. Because if you saw that the light is there for her, then it’s there for you as well. You shared the pain, and you shared its release. There is always someone who feels worse than you, no matter how low-spirited you get. Helping them up does not only distract you from your own sorrows, it helps you see the direction in which you, the person giving advice, should also be moving.

Obligation

2011-04-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve felt resentment about the whole “to-do” check list. As much as it’s nice to have some kind of a life plan, a well-defined road-map to happiness, it gets frustrating when the expectations are not fulfilled. Maybe you didn’t get married in your 20-s like most of your friends, or your career came to a dead end, or you decided to renounce some delusive principles – there are unwelcome moments of doubts, when you realize that not everything goes as you planned and you are clueless what’s next. Sometimes there’s simply no backup plan, just white space that you can fill with any possibilities not considered before.

We don’t always know for sure whether it’s time to call the defeat or we can still go on hoping and waiting for some extended time. Will things happen on their own, or only if we put effort in, or they won’t happen at all no matter what simply because they were not destined to be? How are we to know it’s time to close this chapter because we are stuck or it’s time to double the efforts because we are almost there? A friend of mine sighed recently, “I am 30 now and there’s no light in sight…” meaning her personal life is as stagnant as it was 10 years ago. People tell her to go out more, and I want to suggest getting the best of what she has now (or doesn’t have), because if it’s not meant to happen for another couple of years, blaming yourself for lack of results can only drive you to despair and cast shadow on simple daily pleasures of the present.

But who can tell me that “it’s not meant to be” so that I stopped the self-eating reproach of “I am not doing enough”. Who can define “enough” for me? Maybe whatever I have today due to my aspirations, luck, destiny and randomness IS enough? It’s a major paradox of life that we seek a stopping point but it’s always beyond the reach, hence we are unable to stop, nor are we ever satisfied with the incessant motion. I haven’t heard “you have to” statements from anyone but myself for the past several years. They think I have it all, so why can’t I? Why can't I tear up the check list and embrace the blessed moment of being, whatever form or emotional color it’s presently taken?

Chase

2011-03-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

It's a rare man who is taken for what he truly is.
Peter Beagle, The Last Unicorn

One of my most frequently repeating dreams is about encountering a tsunami: I see a slowly rising enormous wave, which I am struggling to escape but it sure gets me at some point. I've read one of the interpretations of the dream as dealing with fear of life. Hence this constant feeling of a never-ending chase: I run from hopelessness and despair, depression and apathy, disappointment and surrender. But when I am hit I am hit. I can’t pretend that there’s an easy fix, or “it’s all in my head”, or say bravely “shame on me for feeling this way!” It’s there, it’s been building up over time inside on the very deepest level; sometimes it takes an unexpected swift emotion to cause a stir, to move your inner planes so that the wave can no longer be stored within and it comes crashing out. Then you stop running and let it take over; but once it retreats the chase is resumed.

It’s not this constant running that bothers me so much, nor is the blow from the occasional despair that catches up with me and darkens my days. I’m mostly scared that one day I will forget where I am running to or from and accept the unacceptable. I will conform and persuade myself that it’s the best way and in this submission I will definitively lose myself. It often takes just one exception that you make, stepping on your principles just once and then the next exception follows, and the one after it. And before you know it your life is build upon exceptions even though you solemnly promise to go back to the old ways, to the truth that matters when it is time. And for a while you will know what that truth is, you will repeat it like mantra but without living it in real life it becomes blurry, till it’s gone. You don’t remember what it was. And then you don’t even remember that it WAS. Comfort, emptiness and longing for something that has no name are your daily drugs till someone wakes you up, reminds you of the lost road. If they ever will.

So I keep running, looking back with fear but also looking forward with hope. I disagree, I protest, I get defeated but get back on my feet in no time. As much as it hurts, I choose pain over forgetfulness, challenge over comfort. I may lose, and lose, and lose again, but as long as I remember my true face, I will always be the winner in this race of life.

Up

2011-03-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Every day I need a reminder. Even with an incredible amount of mental engagement whereas I read, process and act upon a hefty amount of information, I still find myself slipping into the dark well time and again. It’s like going scuba diving: you are given the equipment to explore and enjoy the underwater world – just remember to keep breathing. But once you panic, the marine beauty dissolves from your view: all you know now is that you’re deep under water struggling to draw a breath and you may never come up to the surface.

Similarly in life, we have the “equipment” to discover and experience happiness but panic and fear, bad news and lack of hope throw us into a frantic struggle not to drown (forget about happiness). We build up a solid wall using bricks of positivity but should one brick crack, the whole structure comes tumbling down. And then it’s time to start the process all over.

People with unstable emotional world but vigorous survival instinct seek powerful motivators, which they can resort to in times of diminishing hope and extinguished enthusiasm. Our little tricks to stay afloat, to mislead others to believing in our upbeat personality and positive attitude. We, who were not born all smiley and positive, who take effort in becoming and staying so, who fight the pull-down force on a daily basis.

I’ve met people who found strange satisfaction in their hardships, who almost worshiped them with the feeling of triumph: see! we didn’t think much of life and were proven right! Take out their misfortunes and they will have nothing left for indulgent whimper has been their way of coping for too long, leaving no space for appreciation and gratitude when good things occur. I’ve also met people with the most effortless aptitude for happiness and bottomless well of optimism, radiating positive energy and contagious glee. But most of us are in the middle: neither too happy but anxiously wanting to be so, nor too miserable yet always in fear of things to take a downturn.

If there was a scale for happiness, every day we would point to a different mark. But the goal is not to reach the highest number and stick to it rigidly – that is utterly impossible. The goal should be to stay higher rather than lower. So every day I retrieve the familiar or newly acquired reminders why I can and should be happy this particular day, and the more reminders I have in store, the easier I find it to fight the emerging gloom and push myself up the scale.

What Emotion Are You Wearing Today?

2011-03-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

I often find my myself moving in a tight emotional circle: one day I feel happy, the next day sad or angry, then eventually the feeling of content finds its way back, just to be replaced by sadness shortly. Like waves in the ocean: rise, fall, rise, fall. But it’s got nothing to do with reality, it’s simply the shifts in the focus of our perception whereas we choose the strongest, dominating emotion and declare it the king of the moment. But do we always have the time and the eagerness to figure out what we truly feel? Someone could say - there’s nothing to figure out, you feel what you feel but I itch to disagree. I think we intentionally choose the most primitive emotional structure because it’s the most effortless approach. Something good happens – I’m happy, things start falling apart – I’m sad.

I was wondering if there’s a way to exercise alternating emotions, to expand the range, add variety and color to your daily moods. Is it possible to set up your mode like you choose the appropriate washing cycle on your washer by pressing the right buttons? Or maybe selecting the emotion "to wear" can be like picking out an item of closing: you rummage in your emotion-storing closet and choose what feels right, what will establish a barely perceptible emotional background that will impact how your day goes.

We usually wake up in the morning with our mind like tabula rasa – having zero feelings, or memories, or thoughts. It’s only a matter of seconds before all of it storms into your conscience, overwhelming you before you got even one foot from under the blanket. What if you tell yourself: today I want to feel adventurous. Visualize a shiny dashboard with soft buttons, various emotions imprinted on them all. You press the one that says “adventurous”. And let the day begin.

The next day you can choose “grateful” and feel how gratefulness saturates every small act of your daily routine. Even on what seems like dark days you may select “melancholy” over “sadness”: sense the difference of not saying “I’m so sad” but giving preference to “I’m rather melancholic” - some of the unwanted emotional weight will lift right away. On bright summer days you may feel childishly ecstatic, and on gray rainy mornings hit the “content laziness” button. Cancel out the unwanted "jealous" by hitting "blessed". Select "inamorata" and be crazy in love - with the sky, the trees, your life, everyone around you.

And when you feel like you’ve been wearing the same emotion for too long, maybe it’s time to toss it and go shopping for a fresh new feeling that would look better on you.

What Am I Afraid To See Within?

2011-02-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

(I came across this not-so-simple and thought-provoking question on Corinne's blog EveryDayGyaan and absolutely had to answer it for myself)

I know exactly why I’m afraid to look too deep inside: I know for sure I will discover that I can do so much more with my life, that I have powerful resources to make tremendous progress and achieve success on so many levels. My huge potential – a sleeping giant that I’m so afraid to disturb. We all have those resources as well as our fears that come with the package: moving forward always means leaving the comfort zone, having to deal with often unforeseen consequences. Our ambitions and aspirations are encircled by the fear to FAIL, which frequently prompts us to hit the brake just as we are ready to take off and explore what's been waiting beyond the horizon. So we come back to the safety of comfort zone, which eventually turns into a confinement cell, because what’s not progress is regress.

But there is more in the dismal mix: sometimes we are afraid of the future victories for we can’t always know what price we have to pay and what gets lost along the way. As you sprint toward the finish line you anticipate excitement, delight from the upcoming celebration, but you end up feeling desolate, washed-out, indifferent to the prize. Was it worth burning yourself out like that?

Oh, and how much we are afraid to lose right after we win ( I may get a better job but what if I get laid off, whereas this current job of mine I hate so much provides enough security…) How frantically scared we are to expose ourselves to imminent pain we associate with risk taking. Isn’t it safer to secure your positions, to shrink, to become less visible, to keep to yourself, keep distance? But you should ask yourself if avoiding pain is the best way to pursue happiness…

I am afraid to look within because I am bound to find my suppressed inner voice that, once liberated, will scream: you need to change! You need to set upon the path of transformation, it’s time to take action, there’s so much work to do and life is so short!

I still find courage to look inside even if sometimes it’s more like momentary peeking. I learned by now that life is not about all or nothing, black or white. No one can transform overnight, or build a perfect living – it’s a continuous and scary process. But I can still take baby steps guided by those little hints I uncover from the quests within. I don’t have to see and absorb the whole picture right away, I am pretty sure I would get overwhelmed by the magnitude, bigness of what’s in there. I can explore the inner castle of thoughts, ideas, wishes, beliefs and feelings room by room, always on the go, always moving forward.

Good Luck!

2011-02-22T14:01:00.001-08:00

I got into the waiting trap. For the whole month I managed to live my life like nothing was coming. I pushed the fear of uncertainly to the outskirts of my mind and went on almost carefree on happy projections. One day before the big event is the worst time one could imagine. You can no longer pretend you are as bold as ever and eventually you succumb to panic that makes you lose gravity and pulls you into the cosmos of uncertainty. And uncertainty breeds worst-case scenarios any movie producer would be jealous of.

So time stretches into endless units; I tell myself – I will know in 24 hours, in 20 hours, 15… but somehow the event is as far away as ever and I am stuck in every minute that drags feet like a stubborn mule, who was running fine just days ago. I do bless those minutes that I succeed to spend without thinking, when I manage to get distracted enough to make a leap in time rather than pity steps.

My insides are squirming and I doubt I will appreciate dinner much tonight. But I know things will change once it’s time to enter through the door. I will be brave and focused, and praying for luck, and thinking positively. One day before the big event… what a shakeup… Good luck!

Hold Together

2011-02-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

If you ask me, I can give you 10 reasons why I can readily fall apart at any moment. Fear, anxiety, worries, horrific projections can easily become the unwelcome hosts of your mind if you let them. Last night I woke up and, unable to fall back asleep, I let my mind race forward to the what-if territory, envisioning one bad possibility after another. I thought, what if something happens to my husband, how are we to survive? Right after thinking that one up, I engaged in frantic calculations of how I will be paying bills if it’s just my income: I will have to cancel cable TV, try to find cheaper internet, use less heating at night… I approached the challenge like the situation was real and I had to deal with it so that to stay afloat, not to sink torpedoed by the life hardships. Till I told myself: Stop! This is not happening! Go back to sleep!

I read over and over about the importance of staying in the present moment: there are enough books, blogs, articles that break it down for you in detail. But to practice the concept is not as easy as reading about it. Your mind often gets pulled in all directions, harassed by the images that were depicted by uncontrolled emotions and vivid imagination. It’s what you set against this pointless cycle that matters. You need to draw the much needed support from powerful sources that can lull the monster and ease this suffocating grip on your brain.

My family is far and our weekly communication consists of delicate attempts not to upset one another, which implies withholding sad events, mood or feelings. My friends are concentrated on their own problems, which they are more eager to discuss than mine. This leaves me with books (oh, the ocean of wisdom), thought-provoking blogs, written by similar seekers, pray, when things get really bad, or the great oblivion of sleep, when staying awake is intolerable.

The most important thing I should remember is that we are never alone, even though at times we feel like an outcast on the edge of the earth, forgotten by everyone and utterly lonely. Help will be sent to us if we encounter a serious problem, we won’t be fighting alone. A necessary shift in circumstances will occur if you believe it will, if you ask for it. Looking back I realize how many times I drove myself insane with worries, anticipating the worst outcome for the situation, but somehow it always ended well. So I may choose to be falling apart every minute of my existence or decide against it, pull myself together and fight vigorously to replace any negative thought with a bright one, to spot light among the shadows and keep my eyes on it as long as I can.

I hope more wise positive-thinking people will be entering my life to inspire me to make progress and sustain upbeat attitude. And I want to hope that light and clarity will prevail over confusion and gloom on most of my days. But when something negative happens – for real or in my imagination, I want to deliberately choose not to fall apart, for when I’m whole I can achieve so much more, than when I’m broken to pieces.

The Power of Giving

2011-02-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Living in New York means that you are constantly approached by beggars. They are strategically positioned at every subway station you enter, they wander through the train you are riding on, rattling their half empty cup in your face. They seem to have doubled their efforts during the holiday season, springing up from nowhere, leaving me bemused: what do I do to attract them so much? I never give them money. Strongly convinced that I work too hard, that building my way up from zero doesn’t entitle anyone to demand a share of my sweat-covered earnings, I simply look away from their bold eyes.

And then I had a conversation with my mom about all these panhandlers interfering with my daily commute. She seemed disheartened by my stubbornness: “don’t give much, but do give them a little”, she said. She didn’t lecture me, or gave any sensible explanation - it was more of her intuitive feeling, or maybe religious belief, that this act of kindness, this simple charity, should earn you extra points in the afterlife.

So I started carrying around some change that I could retrieve quickly out of my pocket and give to homeless people on the street, or “starving” singers on the subway. Almost immediately I felt empowered by the positive energy that seemed to be released into the air with every act of giving. It’s not about what it did for the beggar, I doubt my modest donation changed anybody’s life dramatically, but it did change me. The realization that sharing a little of what you have can contribute to the overall level of the good in the world. What you receive from giving is so much more than “the nominal value” of your donation, it brings to the surface the kindness of your heart you didn’t know was there.

I’ve been struggling with the concept of giving love for quite some time now. I know that I need to give it unconditionally to make it fully blossom in my heart, but possessiveness and distrust dictate that I should keep it under the lock. Well, maybe I can’t give much, but I could start with giving a little. Just breaking the habit of guarding my possessions, learning to give can set me on a path to liberation, when I am no longer pulled down by the weight of my unshared riches.

Before the Storm

2011-01-31T13:19:00.001-08:00

We are going to get hit by yet another storm. It’s funny when it happens for the first time - you are as excited as you are scared in the face of the upcoming ordeal. The second time you are slightly annoyed but try to keep your plans moving along, the third time you are really pissed off and don’t even bother with the routine, or the plans, or your responsibilities – you are just waiting it out. It is a big deal, and the central topic of any conversation, so following other people’s steps you make a public announcement that this weather makes you utterly depressed and unhappy. And now, as you think that your resilience has been depleted and the remains of your patience have expired, it happens again, the new storm is approaching with the potential to become the most severe of all. And you get serious - no more a cry-baby: you suck it up and keep moving about your life, focusing on things that matter.

How many hardships does life have to dump on us so that we stopped hiding our head under the wing, crawled out of the mental hideout to deal with life even as it’s not all roses? The first blow makes us panic, the second activates the defense system, the third makes us fight back with unexpected courage and boldness. Rough treatment, one gruesome trial after another will retrieve the inner warrior that can shield our sensitive side and add thorns to the thin skin. We will see then that there are no limits to our internal resources: we can withstand any storm, recover after harsh winds beat us down. The strength we are able to extract from the shrunken heart in severe circumstances is staggering.

So don’t be fooled by my initial whining, I was just assessing the challenge and winning some time. But now that the stakes have been raised, and another destructive storm has formed, it’s time to summon my wild self, to wake up my inner warrior that will protect me from hostile weather and get me safely to the sunny spot.

Loved

2011-01-27T09:01:00.001-08:00

Who, being loved, is poor? -Oscar Wilde

Our need to be loved is so vital, as if it’s the only thing that can void emptiness spreading around us like poisonous gas. They will tell you over and over that being loved doesn’t validate you but you still refuse to believe. Someone else’s feelings for you form enough weight to keep you on the ground, to prevent you from disappearing into the endless atmosphere, become part of the faceless crowd.

Being loved is such an empowering feeling, it enchants you in a way that everything about you suddenly changes, and you become someone else, this beautiful person you always strived to be and now it’s happening without a slightest effort on your side. Your eyes are now deep oceans that reflect that adoration and admiration that you proudly carry with you like a torch of magic fire. For who would want to give up this light and go back to the darkness of solitude and desolation? And even if you have every reason to say “don’t love me”, you will always know that deep inside you want to hold on to this hot volcano, you want it to keep erupting all the love and passion till it’s empty.

We depend on love like it’s a drug. We believe that if we have it in enough quantity, it can carry us through the days, add that meaning to our life that’s impossible to have otherwise. Once love enters the gate of our kingdom, we rush to embrace all of it, we won’t settle for less. And despair that creeps in as love fades away is so painful, that we hit the walls from so much hurting. We shake the now dormant volcano in hopes of scraping out some of that love lava.

Jumping from one love epicenter to the other is a route of despair. The only way to lock love in your life permanently is to be its source. To be love. But it’s easier said than done, because love will always find loopholes to leak out of your heart as you are too busy with negative emotions that are much easier to retain. Love is something you need to practice over and over, like religion, because life sucks us in and we forget what truly matters. We can choose any mantra that sets us up in the right wave frequency. Or we can make it up by combining words to form the meaning we want to carry as a halo from morning till night: I am love, I am beauty, I spread love and it always finds its way back to my heart.

Letter to the Universe

2011-01-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

I am used to not asking, I’ve been accepting what you’ve given me so far, no matter how happy or unhappy I was. I believe I have enough common sense to understand that we can’t have it all good all the time, we are to encounter obstacles in this life, to learn our lessons.

Yet in the face of this big test I summoned my courage to get on my knees and ask: please let me pass it. I’m twisted by uncertainty knowing that it can be an easy thing, a not so easy but I-can-handle-it thing, or a big problem. I don’t know the outcome, by the law of average I should be all right, but imagining everything that can go wrong has driven me into the worst despair and panic, which have been eating me up for the past several days. It was a long journey, and it was never easy, always filled with doubts, battles, unpleasant decisions to make. I don’t remember if I asked for help, I just dealt with it and somehow everything worked out. But I want to ask for help, huge favor now. I need to pass. I need to get through this one last time and move on with my life as I always wanted it to be. Here. I tried to envision the devastation if … but I will stop right here. It has to work out, too much is at stake. I may bluff with fake bravery but I understand too well that this is the line I cannot cross.

I succumbed to the freezing dread, but I also kept hoping shyly. I do want to be more bold in my hopes, to believe that I deserve it.

Please give me your blessing that day, spare me luck and courage, help me be calm and believe in myself and the positive outcome. Take away my fear and instead fill me up with certainty that it will go well. Easy. Simple. With the victory granted. It is about my whole life and I believe that since I came into this world, my life matters, so does my happiness.

Please get me through this, let me pass the test, let me live the life of my choice at least in this aspect.

Yours truly,

K.

Waiting for the Summer

2011-01-21T08:03:00.001-08:00

Vast grayness poisoned my life for weeks. I wished someone could hold out their hand and pull me out of it for I sank in that swamp up to my head. Flu knocked down the whole family. Trapped inside the house for days, when we finally got out we had to endure a weather more severe than I could recall ever dealing with. Freezing rain, icy winds and a hostile takeover of all the walking space by slush and dirt. I felt soaked with gray in and out. Sitting on a coughing bus on my way to work, looking at the dirty gray sky through the dirty window I was thinking: is it possible to feel worse than I do now, numbed by grayness, the prisoner of winter...

And then fresh snow fell and covered everything with purest whiteness. The sun came out after days of cowardly hiding and the sky dressed up in bright winter blue. Not a hint of gray anywhere outside, its heavy weight finally lifted off my heart as well.

Why, oh why can’t we withstand external circumstances? Why can’t we be these weightless, free-spirited creatures that thrive in any weather, climate, condition? Why do we let misery press us down till we give up resistance and let it drag us on for days?

I was thinking what I can do to fill harsh winter days with some light and warmth to defrost my heart, to make hope and anticipation spring back up. I do rely on books to help me read the winter away, to plunge me in the sweet oblivion till I’m ready to lift my eyes from the comforting lines and witness life again. But mostly it’s about waiting, the tense process of anticipating the future by half-ignoring the present. These days will pass and I won’t look back, I won’t feel sorry for this chunk of my life to be over, for wasting it on waiting and wishing these days away. And some day I might move to a place where it’s never ever cold: eternal summer with eternal happiness.

Not About Me

2011-01-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

All of us sooner or later incur the need for self-exploration. It’s like you reached the dead end and in order to continue moving forward, you first need to look inwardly and try to sort through all the chaos you are bound to uncover, and then, hopefully, the door will materialize where there was only a wall before.

Without doubts last year was the year of discoveries for me. I set off to explore the huge underground life of my psyche and came across a number of dark corners, spots that remained hidden until now. But as I kept traveling down the long twisting tunnels, I went from feeling relieved and empowered to frustrated and lost. Once the triumph of initial revelations wore off (aha, another inner issue uncovered, my life should be a little better now), my enthusiasm was replaced by perplexity: where is that line, that nth solved puzzle when I will be granted some peace and wisdom to fuel me for some time? As I was opening one door, I saw there were three more doors behind it, and three more behind each one of these three. An endless labyrinth. I went down too deep and found myself in a box.

Nothing is wrong with self-digging, if we don’t understand ourselves we are very likely to make the same mistakes over and over, to keep banging on the same locked door even though there is another door wide ajar nearby. But obsessing with it sooner or later will lead to negative consequences called “too much thinking” – a hard to diagnose and even harder to beat addiction. The need to ponder on, analyze, break into pieces, look under the microscope and understand all the whys and hows for anything that happened or was felt.

Okay, so maybe I should stop trying to question and understand everything and be more spontaneous for a change. Maybe I could trust that things will keep happening regardless how much or little I understand. This year will not be about me. Enough with wandering. The goal now is to empty my mind and see what will find its way in.

Farewell 2010

2010-12-30T08:41:00.001-08:00

So it’s time to turn the page. To take one more close look at everything that’s about to become history and move on. The world keeps spinning no matter what. You may not always sense the movement but as you sum up everything that happened in 2010 you acknowledge this invisible commotion that brought you to this day but you are not the same. Some parts of you came off, got lost beyond retrieval, and it’s hard to tell if you feel relieved, or reminiscent, or both. You feel liberated by the newly acquired wisdom but unanswered questions remain too. So if you think that 2011 will bring much ease and rest to your mind, think again because there’s no such thing as absolute enlightenment after which you get to bring your mental work to a full stop. It never ends. So prepare yourself for another year of digging, getting surprised by what would come to the surface. We cannot absorb the whole world, we discover things selectively, our vision and thinking can process this much information at any given time.

Simple days, small events form into a beautiful piece with entwined patterns. The tempo of your life will vary – some days too fast, occasionally barely moving, but the progress will be made continuously. You may fool yourself with made up goals, draw complex maps that will lead you to your final destination, or at least the intermediary one if you are not sure what the final should be. There is no last point in life that you can reach – be that for education, creative agenda, love or self-development. It’s all evolving, always a comma, always to be continued… never “The End”.

So see you in a new year, may it be the one of mostly happy thoughts - I hope sad thoughts will be not as big of a source of my inspiration. To new discoveries in 2011!

Itchy

2010-12-29T09:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get tired of living with "it-could-be-worse" approach. I am dying to scream that it could be better. We must be grateful for what we have and I am so SO grateful. But I’ve started on the road that was too wide for me, now I am walking on this narrow path that keeps getting smaller. It’s suffocating to know that there are bigger roads out there I don’t dare to take. It’s like finally getting to your dream world of exquisite color and shape just to see all the beauty moving away from you, folding down like cardboard, leaving plainness and emptiness.

I’ve seen my mom withdrawing from the outer world for years, the tiny apartment being the sufficient fraction of the world, giving her enough refuge from disappointment. She likes reading history books because there she finds something she failed to discover in our present time. She embraced religion, which does nothing but prepares her to leave this world, redeem all the sins and leave. I’m sure there is a place for her in this world that she could love, where she could be different, it’s just that she gave up too soon.

I don’t want to go like this with submission and humility inflated enough to cover disappointment. I want to put up a fight, to show my teeth, to turn myself inside out, to see what’s hiding under the sea of layers.

You can’t suppress your wants, ignore that constant itching that’s meant to keep you moving forward because the world is so much bigger than playing it safe. If true happiness is strictly internal, why bother with the world then, why leave the house day after day in this self-proclaimed quest for adventure to bring your life to the desired fullness? Should we seek to take a bigger space in the vast world of possibilities or surrender to the safe smallness allocated to us by the restraint of our choices? Where can I find courage and inspiration to live bigger? Maybe it’s time to whisper to the universe the words I’ve been denying myself the right to even think of, “I am grateful, but give me more”.

Snow in New York

2010-12-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

As a result of a monster blizzard NYC came to a standstill. The beauty of nature with her extreme powers and surreal manifestation. All I hear is complaining: limited transportation, stranded cars, streets remain unplowed for two days, residents imprisoned by snow, unable to go to work.

I enjoyed by imprisonment, I indulged in this unplanned doing-nothingness, not feeling burdened by this forced standstill. I walked on the snow with the neighbors’ kids, we played snowball fight and made snow angels. I was the only adult out there without a shovel, plainly enjoying the snow. In places where it remained untouched it lay in these splendid smooth waves carved by the intricate power of wind. The blizzard seemed to turn everything into a chaos but as the winds settled there was this white perfection glistening in the bright light of the day sun.

Frustration. We don’t like when our routine gets disrupted. We are the planners and the executors, and we have no room for chance. We can always find someone to blame for any inconvenience: government, global warming, bad luck. We dismiss natural phenomena as interruptions, focusing all the attention on overcoming the unforeseen obstacles: "how do I get to work with all this snow?" is a task at hand. Only children are happy, they get to stamp and “swim” in all this whiteness, cover themselves with snow from head to toes and be blissfully glad it hasn’t started melting yet.

Standstill. Full stop. Pause. A chance to take a real look at your life when you are forced to stop running. What do you have? What are you? What’s left when job, projects, commute, shopping are all halted? Playing freeze tag with time, trying on idleness, running out of thoughts and feeling imprisoned by the chased-after freedom just because it showed its face for a change.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-12-21T07:34:00.001-08:00

What do I want to do differently next year? How much in my life do I want changed? Some days I want to change most of it, but largely I’m plainly content with how it is now. The most radical changes I dream of require a lot of courage or bold anger and I don’t seem to have it in sufficient quantity yet. So as always it comes to waiting, taking it one day at a time and waiting.

I know I should be praying for a lighter heart that would accept more, judge less. And I should be asking for my mind to be more open to break through the self-imposed limits. I also need to learn to ignore those little trifles, empty annoyances that can greatly poison your life once you start playing closer attention. It all goes away. Why worry, why feel anxious when you can just trust your destiny, believe that you were put in these not so pleasant circumstances not to get aggravated but to learn something valuable. Challenges keep us alert.

I feel like I am not the person I want to be, I fail myself and my high expectations. I often grit my teeth after saying all the wrong things again, acknowledging it post factum. But maybe I will never be that person as much as I aspire to, maybe the whole concept here is to soften my imperfections just enough for me to accept them and let be.

Let me be. Maybe less thinking, hopefully less thinking next year. More events, and projects, and fuss to wrap my mind around. Definitely more people to be present in my life, more fulfilling communication. Less indifference and cold, less emptiness. I am ready to welcome another wave of life- or thought-changing discoveries, find ways to weave them into my life to elevate it to the next more advanced level. To learn constantly, to forgive easily, to be there for others. To attract – not push away. Create magic, have adventures. Inspire. Expand. Love.

Challenge to My Comfort

2010-12-16T09:20:00.001-08:00

I resented the new discomfort with all my heart. I pushed it away, I screamed inside my mind “I don’t want any of it!” All I really wanted was to maintain the status quo, to have my comfy life unchanged forever. Dreading how much I would be inconvenienced made my mind spin, blowing my fears out of proportion. I actually got really annoyed with myself this morning, when I realized that with all my excessive worrying I actually forgot to put snacks in my son’s schoolbag – boy, I am in trouble tonight!

My flexibility and open-mindedness were put to test and I wasn’t scoring too high. I told myself: A. you can handle it. B. It’s temporary C. you might actually enjoy it. Gradually I was building my way up from rejection to acceptance. I will embrace this inconvenience, this change; I can actually be pretty cool about it if I stop trying so hard. I will have no expectations, do minimal planning and just let things take their own course. I will fail less with poor planning than doing everything perfectly but with a disgruntled heart. I will stop creating and multiplying problems in my head, instead I will try to relax and actually enjoy what’s coming my way.

I am learning flexibility here! Once I tame that grouchy demon, I will loosen up and have some fun. And if tomorrow you tell me that the whole thing is canceled, I will be as relieved as disappointed.

Coincidence

2010-12-15T07:29:00.001-08:00

Last night I was reading poems to my son. One of them was about a bagpipe and a turtle, so I asked if he knows what a bagpipe is. He didn’t so I explained it to him the best I could and promised to google it for him when we have time.

This morning, when I got off the train on 34th Street, the first thing I heard was the sound of bagpipe playing. This subway station, always swarming with tourists, attracts a lot of performers who try to make some extra money. I’ve seen men playing drums, synthesizer, saxophone, and a whole bunch of Asian and African instruments, which names I don’t know. Not once anyone with a bagpipe.

I connected the two dots, tied in my gloomy morning mood, freezing winds outside, the memory of the warmth of my son’s room, the book with its deep wisdom behind silly lines, my hopes as ever-present extensions of my disappointment. My silent prayer – please make me feel better today, I am so tired of carrying these heavy feelings around, of drugging myself with books to silence my loud thinking.

Hearing the bagpipe playing was a magic moment, that lasted only seconds, but it was enough. Thank you, I thought, I feel good now.

Feeling Small

2010-12-14T10:02:00.001-08:00

How do you fight the feeling of being too small? What do you do to proclaim to the world that you are so much bigger and keep growing, it’s just that much of that growth is invisible to the eye? With the innate urge to prove ourselves, to persuade others that we are worthy the air we breathe we still get caught in those moments when everything gets questioned: why sweat? who cares?

But when we quit the tiresome process of self-establishment, when we stop peering into the strangers’ eyes, begging silently “Believe in me!” a strange thing happens: we do become smaller. It’s as if some of our parts evaporate once they cease to be evaluated, judged, approved by others. Many of our essential qualities become atrophies if we are no longer willing to promote and share them with the rest of the world.

It’s easy to cling to your failures, past, current and future; to sulk; to feel masochistic satisfaction from being unappreciated. You can always seclude yourself in that small world of yours that you created by thoroughly assorting the constituents. Nothing will cause you pain, only comfort and peace. So you shrink without challenges, the aspiration to achieve, to win, to overcome obstacles. You are feeling so small because you deny yourself the opportunity to engage in the intricate commotion of external life.

You might feel naked when you display what’s inside, things you’ve been hiding forever, but keeping it all to yourself will eventually lead to their erosion due to lack of use. Come what may, good or bad, but share yourself with the world, show what you are, what you may become, feel as big as you were born to be.

Empty Space

2010-12-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

When you arrive at the conclusion that your life needs filtering, it means that you’ve been wasted yourself on incompatible components for too long and your functioning mechanism is too worn out to continue working in the same mode. You need to start applying some principles of exclusion, sort through the clutter and figure out what stays in the closet, what needs to be put away, what gets disposed.

That’s the way life is: you cannot be everywhere doing everything. As the age and the level of responsibility are progressing, you need to be more and more selective what you spend your energy on. It will scare you at first: if you are cutting off these huge chunks that were an essential part of your existence just yesterday, what is left then? The phantoms of loneliness and boredom still bear enough influence to chase you back into your all-conforming form. What if dismissing your half-friends will thin the crowd around you to a threatening level? You envision yourself all alone, howling like a desperate animal, so you hurriedly agree to another boring socializing event to maintain the illusion that you are still part of the circle.

Filling the vacuum does not happen overnight. It may take years to find things that are you. Multiple times you’ll get steered away from your course by fake promises, lured into what you think would make you fly whereas it would only push you deeper underground. But eventually you will get your foundation and commence building the solid weather-proof structure. Your life, played by your rules.

We could all use a magic compass to show us the direction. And it’s probably always there floating in the air right in front of us. The problem is sometimes we cannot spot it because of all the clutter we’ve been diligently bringing in for years. It’s time to sort through the piles, remove the distractions and get the clear view back. Vast vacancy will let you see the light better.

Some Days

2010-12-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

Some days I can’t find a single good thing that would help hold me together. I am surrounded by blessings, which on those particular days fail to glue my heart pieces back; their light can’t break through as if all of a sudden I am immune to all the joy and happiness; I am only capable of absorbing darkness and misery. Those are the dark days when magic is gone and I fall through a deep dark cold tunnel down and down… Of course I fight, I have the whole arsenal at my disposal – things that can help brighten up my day. But when nothing works I take my defense system down and let the cold stream take me wherever it wants. Then the law of underwater currents works: when you try to resist them, they only take you deeper down, they drain you of all the energy, twist your limbs. But once you succumb and stop fighting, they bring you back to the surface and let go.

The darkness always tries to pull us in. This is its way to remind us of its gloomy existence. Many times I used my hands to cover my eyes: if I don’t see it I may pretend it doesn’t exist. If I don’t pay attention it will leave me alone, spot someone else. Alas, we don’t live in the world of pure light, there are shadows all over, dark places never reached by the rays of sun. When shadows try to imprison us we are to put up a fight and that’s how we build resilience and learn gratitude. After violent stormy days the sunny weather is no longer taken for granted, it is appreciated up to every second.

My dark days are scarce for which I am grateful. Some people live in months, years of darkness, their will suppressed, soul diminished. I only take the occasional dive deep down, which hurts nonetheless but nothing that I wouldn’t be able to handle. Once I resurface, I move on, I don’t look back, no questions asked. The light is bright, the magic is back, there’s harmony and the soothing rustle of the wings of my guardian angel.

Aftermath

2010-11-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

What are you left with every time you step over yourself? Feeling of excitement from your victory, pride for your courage, satisfaction from successfully defeating your fear? But there is also sadness, this temporary freezing emptiness from some inexplicable loss. For something is gone, a piece of you was forsaken the moment you summoned all your strength and reached for the stars. This sweet bitterness passes through the winner: I could have been on the ground, still gazing the stars, separated from me by the infinity. The infinity that can be covered in a few steps, or left as infinity should I choose so. The determination to battle leaves a dreamer behind. Touching a star means one star less to glare. The triumph of the victory is always saddened by a sacrifice it takes to turn a dreamer into a warrior.

Fall Colors

2010-11-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

Fall is a source of the most beautiful pictures. I was one of the numerous eager photographers in a rush to capture the short-lasting beauty called autumn leaves. You take a number of shots but every time you press the “view mode” button you feel a slight disappointment. Not that, not what I wanted, not the way it is. And then you suddenly have it – one precious shot that doesn’t only get it right, it magically transform the real fragments into a mysteriously perfect piece of art: the color, the symmetry, the proportions – all are ideal.

We are trying to make the best of our lives but mostly get a number of mediocre days. Those are not feel-bad days yet they still lack that breathtaking excitement, something that cannot be faked, forced and summoned. A rare combination when all the ingredients happen to be in place and produce a hot steaming dish of happiness. Our true shot, a sparkle, a gem. Every morning is a promise, and every evening new hope is conceived: there is every chance it can happen tomorrow.

I enjoy my one good shot that makes everything else possible. Some people master photography and multiply their number of delightful photos. And all of us try to master the science of living: to minimize the amount of failures, to strive for perfection. Yet somewhere very deep insight we have this intuitive feeling, that our best shots , the ones that make us gasp, have a somewhat divine nature. Just like some days are beyond our understanding or control, the days when we let the gust of wind carry us away without putting any resistance. The days when pretense is put aside, the grand rehearsal is over and life is lived as it should be: in all the color, precision of line and simple beauty.

Do You Know

2010-11-16T09:40:00.001-08:00

I don’t particularly like when people preach: first you need to figure out what you want and then go for it. Right, that simple, eh? You just sit down for 20 minutes, consider all you options and voila! – you are all set for life. So let’s see… do I want to be a doctor? – nope, teacher? – not really, work on Wall Street – hmm, maybe… But do we even know all the options? And how can we be sure we will really like what we’ve chosen for us? Yet people shake their heads when you tell them about your trial and error method: hey, guys, I will just go with the flow for now and figure something out along the way.

Or they will tell you there must be an absolute certainty in your decision by the time you are 30 (32? 35?). Some people find their true calling when they are 70, some never discover it at all!

I do believe we get signs consistently throughout our life journey. Little hints here and there that suggest a direction you haven’t considered before. You get a taste of new things, but sometimes it’s just the first part of the puzzle, and you have to solve the rest for yourself, untangle the thread and follow it to the final destination, where success and recognition are waiting.

It's not like I enjoy going about life half-blindfolded. Of course there are certain things that make me feel at home, yet I don’t know how to turn them into something bigger, more meaningful, something with a purpose and potential for personal fulfillment. Yet if I have to hold out I will do so with patience and dignity. I will find my door even if it takes knocking on a thousand wrong ones. There is a destined path for each of one of us: sometimes it’s covered with foliage, or hidden by shadows and lack of light, or its boundaries are indistinct. But it’s there, waiting for you to discover it and take it all the way. I will get there, not sure when but I will, just don’t rush me, don’t judge me, don’t give me ill-fitted advice: I don’t want to take the wrong trail and get lost.

Inside

2010-11-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

A soul is beautiful because it’s composed of pure light. Yet there will always be someone to tell you otherwise, to make you feel ugly, to despise you and mix you with dirt. Call them the evil, the enemy, often disguised as “friends”, someone jealous, or spiteful, or neglectful or simply someone deprived of love, taking it out on the entire world. The worst damage they could do is force you to forget about your light within, the soul breathed in by God at your creation. They make you believe that the light is dead and you are now at the mercy of the dark. But the light never dies out, it’s our divine core and it cannot be destroyed. Our weakness is that we allow the enemy to distract us, to look away, to lose faith. This enemy often resides within – we let depressive thoughts take over and cast shadows on everything that used to make sense. Our weakness is that instead of putting up the armor, we take it down. We let the dark winter winds blow at our light with their mighty strength till it’s almost extinguished. We fail to remind ourselves that the light never goes away.

We try to seek protection in others and it doesn’t always occur to us that we can look inwardly to find the comfort, to recharge the fading spirit. Going to the very beginning, the invincible core, the heart of the soul. We were made this way – unique and beautiful. We were given enough powers to combat the enemy. And we will constantly be attacked: even as we try to withdraw and shield ourselves with isolation, then WE will turn into attackers, shooting doubt onto the good in us. This struggle is meaningful. When fighting for the light we worship the light, when giving up all that we have left is indifference.

If you are under attack, if the wounds caused by the enemy hurt unbearably – just pause for a minute… Phase out the noise till you hear the divine silence. Ignore what you see but look inside. Find your light, stick with your core, feel whole and win this battle. You are beautiful.

Words of Wisdom

2010-11-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouth-watering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self.

It is said that all that you are seeking is also seeking you, that if you lie still, sit still, it will find you.

When a life is too controlled, there becomes less and less life to control.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Another Day, Another Sunset

2010-11-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

I wish I could write more. I wish I could catch those quickly-passing breakthrough thoughts and pin them down with words. But alas, a big gluttonous giant called life gulps days and weeks in a blink of an eye. I miss the moments, I lose precious thoughts, my ideas and little discoveries are too evasive if not eternalized with words. Life is more than just paying bills and fulfilling one’s duties. It’s a spiritual journey. There are grand things that matter more than our daily hassle, the glorious things that are always within reach hence can be easily postponed… I am too tired today, I can find the meaning of life tomorrow. And the sun is down, and another day is lived ... or wasted.

I wish I could write more to get just one inch closer to the truth with each post created within, whispered by the unconscious that is always at work, even when I am too busy to observe, contemplate and remember.

Both Ways is the Only Way I Want It

2010-11-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am still processing the book I just finished reading – “Both Ways is the Only Way I Want It” by Maile Meloy. The book is great on its own – I couldn’t help but admire the precision of each sentence, phrases that stick to your mind and re-emerge when you least expect it. There aren’t many descriptions but it’s one of the most “visual” books I’ve ever read, when you can see everything so clearly like you are a silent witness, as if you are actually there. But it’s the idea at the basis of the book that strikes me the most, one of those obvious notions that somehow we fail to notice and acknowledge until someone points the idea out. It leaves you astonished: I knew it but I didn’t know it!

It’s one of the biggest ironies of life – wanting everything, wanting the opposite from what we have, wanting both the things even knowing that having one excludes the possibility of the other. We are being torn by our contradictory desires, trying to establish what it is that we want more and stick to the choice derived in the torturous battle of mind. When we choose one way we cross out the other still secretly longing for it, half-mourning the loss. If we try to have it both ways, to float in the middle, we are burdened by guilt and dissatisfaction from having it only half-way. We begin to hurt from hurting the others.

“The force with which he wanted it both ways made him grit his teeth. What kind of fool wanted it only one way?”

A mindful approach can provide some relief. Acknowledging both the wants, consciously choosing one, giving yourself reasons to justify the choice may quiet down the troubled mind. We can control our actions but can we ever be truly in control of our desires? Can we stop wanting something because that’s an order given by sense which knows better? Or we just learn to live with this paramount longing, our secret wants, unfulfilled desires, rebelling occasionally, trying to have it both ways but always failing.

How Far Do We See?

2010-10-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Many of us are living a life of self-imposed confinement. We are engaged in an often meaningless routine that fills our days. We are doing the same things over and over finding comfort in boredom and predictability of yet another weekend, month, and year. We think we can expand the boundaries any time we want yet we are barely ever inclined to do so.

It always marvels me to discover that there’s more space for us in this world than we initially claim. It never occurred to me to join a local library – I thought I simply didn’t have time to read. But once I did, it’s amazing how much reading time can be squeezed into one day. So now I devour book after book discovering a parallel universe to my feelings, emotions, and dreams in every one of them. I used to watch whatever was on TV – annoying reality shows interrupted by even more annoying commercials. Then I signed up for Netflix so now I devote my time to watching quality movies that linger with me for days – and that’s the effect a real movie should have on us.

Breaking my weekend routine was a long overdue breakaway as well – I was getting really sick from this feeling of drowning in the household chores. Now we go somewhere every weekend – beach, park, movies. It was a struggle initially since I had to fight down the ever-present excuse that I just want to stay home. Now I anticipate every weekend, making plans, checking the weather. Last weekend we rented a boat on the lake in Central Park, something I’ve never done before even though I’ve lived in New York for 10 years. Why?

Why do keep denying ourselves little pleasures of life that are at hand’s reach? Why are we the ones who limit our experiences? We get really inventive with finding excuses (lack of money, time, mood, company, inspiration, etc.) instead of directing our inventive minds toward eliminating the limits, expanding our territory, establishing more presence in life than this shallow existence. Some people never see the trees, the sky – it’s enough for them to assume it’s all there: all they need to do is to lift up their head and see, which they forget to do day after day.

What Makes the Best of Memories

2010-10-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

Sunday. Cozy evening. My son and I are both curled up on the couch reading our books. Well, reading his books, because I am in the middle of “Ghost Camp” from the Goosebumps series he so graciously let me borrow. Suddenly my son jump from the couch, performs a series of weird actions such as holding his breath, spinning, rubbing his tummy and yelling out “1,999”. I pick up his book, read the page it was left open on and sure enough come across a verse containing detailed instructions on how to get back to the past. And my almost-seven-year-old boy believes that after he performs all the crazy steps he will travel back in time. He, who just recently told me that dragons don’t exist. I play along. I say let’s do it over step-by-step… now, hold your breath till you turn blue, spin around fast… He complies with diligence and looks rather disappointed when he is still there in the middle of our living room, things unchanged, year 2010. “Mom, maybe it’s because I didn’t turn blue when holding my breath?”

I smile about it all morning today sitting at work. I am glad childhood found me again through my son. I am happy to retrieve long forgotten experiences and beliefs. Believing in miracles against all odds. I think last night for a brief magic moment I almost expected that the incantation will be followed by … something? Do we really want to be adults all the time? Or are there are occasional moments of doubt and hope that there’s some truth to the most absurd of phantasies? If something is so real in your mind, it doesn’t need to be real in the outside world, it isalready granted some sort of existence by the power of your imagination.

Feel and Fly

2010-10-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

My emotional side is not my enemy. It’s my partner who doesn’t always play along. I may choose to get angry with myself for overreacting or find ways to sooth my emotions so that I was still capable of acting. I am so incredulous at times at how nervous the simplest of events make me, disappointed that my reactions are beyond all reasonable limits. Quite annoyed, I throw myself at the rocks, make myself endure unnecessary challenges, trying to toughen up.

How can I succeed if I feel like an ostrich eager to bury my head in sand with each disturbing sign or experience? No matter what exquisite tricks my mind sends to my nerves to make them calm down, they are of little help. When I am nervous I am nervous. With all the embarrassing physical symptoms.

The thing is I have to live with it. I thought that avoidance may ease things for me, but boy was I wrong. It only made me more susceptible to even minor changes, which now leave me shaken and displaced for days.

We all operate in unique ways. Some things we never learn to fully control. Some of us might be too delicate for the harsh world of battles, but the same delicateness makes us feel at home in the world of emotions. We feel beyond the acceptable dimensions, see beyond the horizon, beyond tomorrow. We see between the lines, we absorb the invisible. We, people who feel too much.

Compromise

2010-10-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

Being overprotective of yourself can backfire one day. When you closely guard your sense of happiness and avoid doing what makes you unhappy, you create some artificial vacuum – a perfectly customized environment where you can relax and take all your masks off. The problem is you still have to get out of it to deal with real life issues. But being detached from reality for longer bouts of time makes it more and more difficult to re-enter the not-so-friendly environment called life and face the challenges it presents. You can’t wait to go back to your hiding.

They say all the happiness (or unhappiness) is in your head. Regardless of the external circumstances you can maintain your level of happiness with inner peace and calm. Do you trap or free yourself by practicing escapism? Maybe instead of denying the vast chunks that constitute the external life it’s better to learn to co-exist with all of it? No matter how hard you close your eyes and shut your ears there’s no way to keep the noise out completely –it will reach you and bother you, if you are not prepared. Isn’t it easier then to embrace it in some quantity?

Your head is in the clouds but your feet stay firmly on the ground – are both possible?

Decisions

2010-09-28T07:29:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing how some challenges may split your personality and provoke the never-ending inner debate, the heated discussion of the pro- and con- opponents, which managed to coexist peacefully in your mind before. The problem is you don’t know who you should side with… On the one hand your ambitious driven side is pushing you forward, to face the challenge, to take the leap, to make a change. You realize that stagnation is almost dangerous to your sanity. And then your defense system issues a response that you are getting too old to chase after victories, big or small, that life is not all about reaching a new mark every single day, sometimes it’s all about just living, pausing mindfully to take in moments, given things, what you have right this second - not some future possibilities from the dream world. So you want just to take this day and live it as it is, grateful and humble, without having to spend it constructing your better tomorrow.

So when all your back-and-forth thinking is put on a scale and what you can see is the equilibrium, you turn to alternative resources. You try to pay more attention to the signs that life is supposed to send to us at times of uncertainty, when we are at the crossroads. Trying to interpret these signs (or what you take for them) drives you crazy because it only confuses you furthermore, clarifying nothing.
In the end you just feel so worn out that you silently scream: I have no answers to anything! I don’t know what the next step should be – I am not even sure if this step is needed! But maybe it’s true that the history is already written? And all this daily hassle is only meant to occupy you but changes nothing, because the time of choices will come when it is scheduled. You breathe out and release the tension that has chained you.

You do you stuff. You try your best to keep all the anxiety away. You trust the highest power that everything will be fine.

When and Where

2010-09-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

We frequently feel lost in life. The intense feeling that only yesterday you knew exactly the direction you were moving in but today the knowledge is gone, you are in the unfamiliar surroundings, you don’t know how you ended up here and what your purpose was. And it’s okay because it’s pretty natural to switch directions multiple times in life (it’s more unusual not to), one of those tricks the newly acquired portion of wisdom plays on us: you thought this would make you happy, it didn’t quite – not a big deal, just keep looking.

So when you are stuck in one of those “what’s next?” spans and the answer wouldn’t present itself immediately, you may want to look at your current life from a different angle. Just like on a roller coaster – you climb uphill, and then you pause briefly before you start moving at crazy speed: down, back up, down… non-stop. That pause is life too. As one door closes and the other (others?) has not yet opened, it doesn’t mean that you temporarily ceased existing. Just quite the opposite – you can live very fully even if it’s just in your head. You can do all the pondering you kept postponing till better times. You can learn to make solitude from your enemy to a good friend. And you can catch and enjoy so many previously unnoticed moments simply because you have more time now.

Me? I signed up for a library account and went from occasional reading spells straight to reading fever. I get to absorb all the stories in the world, anything I can get my hands on. Maybe it’s truly a bliss not knowing when and where your life will take another crazy turn, roll out at ever changeable speed, barely leaving you time to catch your breath. For now it’s time to enjoy a rare moment of tranquility. What do you do when you don’t know what tomorrow holds but today you have so much time at your disposal? Do you make use of it when you get to slow down?

When Reality Hits too Hard

2010-09-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

It could have been a beautiful life if there was more magic in it. If it stopped being so real and feeling so real but was more like a dreamy fog curling around you, deforming the objects, making them into something else than they initially appear to be. We would look for a hidden meaning in things, sense the important facts of life rather than know them (or think that we know them). Sensual, dreamy, soulful life where unimaginable happens on a daily basis and miracles take a consistent pattern.

We often make a temporary escape into the world of color and form (art), sound (music), dreaming the impossible in real life dreams (fairytales and movies) which provides some relief and inspiration. But if we stay in the real for too long, if we keep reading the news that contain nothing but horror and violence whereas a fairytale book is collecting dust on the shelf, if we devote too much attention to solving everyday problems in order to feed the ever-hungry life-planner inside of us with accomplishments and achievements - our downfall begins.

Your life may feel real but the harshness of this reality hits you hard because there’s nothing to soften the blow – you gave up dreaming, believing in miracles, looking for magic in ordinary things because at some point you figured it’s a waste of time that you cannot afford, because you need this time to acquire real things, things you can touch, store, show off. Reality sucks the soul out of us if consumed in excessive quantity. It needs to be diluted with a hearty portion of fantasy not to extinguish that light in our eyes we used to have in abundance as kids.

It’s better to be a delusional dreamer than a soulless shell, a sleep-eat-work zombie. Don’t bury the child inside of you, let him guide you occasionally into the world of magic where you can feel free to believe in anything worth believing.

Return

2010-09-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

It’s good to be back when rediscovering your old daily routine feels like an adventure. Stepping on a familiar path with uncertainty because being away for almost a month turns you into an alien thrown into the foreign land. It takes a while to get back in tune with the rhythm of the city, your old schedule , your old life, so well-known at some point, strange and erratic now.

I dread and love those days of readjustment – when you are no longer there and still not here. I actually admire this feeling of being in between because you get to see things so clearly, as if you were temporarily detached from life: not a participant, just an observer. But very quickly life swallows you again, you must be present in it with your entire essence, solve problems, return phone calls, answer the “How was your trip?” question for a hundredth time… Planning, organizing, running out of time, taking a break, taking a deep breath, trying to figure it all out, what you can change, things that can be improved, what you should leave alone till better times.

Vacation allows you to slow down so you find it somewhat hard to catch up with the real life pace once you are back. In a week or so it will feel like there was no vacation, only photos and some vague warmth in your heart will be the proof that it did happen. It’s not a bad life. I missed work (thought I probably missed lunch breaks more – since I get to spend them in the nearby bookstore) . I missed planning what I will wear to work the following morning. I missed looking forward to weekends since when you are on vacation every day is a Sunday. Vacation was. A lot happened. I recharged physically and emotionally – those blessed three weeks of non-thinking (at least in the old familiar way). I was with my family discovering new ways to be with them, to coexist with them because we are all a couple of years older and wiser. Now it's time to come back to reality loaded with uncertainty, questions, puzzles, coincidences, occasional disappointment and non-stop dreaming. I am back - I whisper.

No Such Thing as Bad Summer

2010-08-06T07:54:00.001-07:00

It’s suddenly August and summer is suddenly almost over. Summer clothes go on sale and back-to-school ads begin to appear. August is when cicadas are the loudest – their “songs” resonate with my inkling that’s something big is about to end. And then there will be a new beginning, so it’s kind of the calm before the storm. You only get this kind of sadness once a year – when summer is approaching its final run: you begin to reminisce about the warm sunny days even though it’s still nice out. You can’t get enough of the light, the breeze, the smell of the ocean in the air.

August is when we pause. Slightly tired from the beach, swimming, all the summer activities, we prefer to sit on the porch and indulge in inertia. Very soon we will have to compose ourselves and embrace the new beginning. Get back into the crazy running cycle with long to-do lists in our hands. Kids go back to school, coworkers come back from vacation – our lives suddenly become so crowded, and noisy, and eventful. And as the days get shorter we cannot help the feeling that we are running out of time because there is so much to accomplish.

Yet there’s still one month left before we accelerate. Still some time to dissolve in the warm summer air, in tranquility and daydreaming. To let the departing season give you one more hug, feel its breezy breath on your cheeks, steal as much of its light as you can fit in your heart, where you will lock it to let it out little by little when the cold days begin their reign.

broken

2010-08-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Even the strongest of fighters break.

And in anguish they crush what’s on their way.

In split seconds they destroy anything of value.

Because they lost faith.

Emotional exhaustion bigger than the world.

Winning rough battles and breaking over nothing.

Born with desire for happiness but is there ability?

They break and after the storm comes silence.

And they are left numb.

They sweep the pieces off the floor but is there a way to put a broken heart together?

And is there a button that turns off thinking so that apathy could set in?

Because even the strongest of fighters break.

Sometimes It's All Said in a Song

2010-08-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Rascal Flatts
"I'm Movin' On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Unattached - Free?

2010-07-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

I made a curious observation lately – how little I am attached to anything. Getting attached to things or people means experiencing pain when losing any of them. Separation anxiety. I used to have that: living in the boarding school when I was 15 I kept thinking that I was finally having a good life and how bad that it would be over within two years. How sad that I won’t see most of these young kids ever again, never find out how they came out after all… I used to connect much easier and once it happened, it always hurt to let go. Living with a bunch of roommates when I was 19 – happy, carefree days, but even back then I lived with a shadow that those days would come to an end and the uncertainly of the future was always hanging in the air.

And then I got attached to New York, such a deep addiction, when it began to feel like the polluted New York City air was all my lungs were willing to accept from now on. I felt terribly homesick away from the city I used to hate when I only moved in. Unlike many people I had no desire to travel: I had it all right there, discoveries could be made every day without ever leaving New York.

Then the things… How annoyed was I when friends wouldn’t promptly return my books they borrowed. And how reluctant I was to give away my son’s baby clothes. And how petrified I felt at the idea we might lose our wonderful house due to foreclosure. And the sadness of thought that so many amazing coworkers that became my friends will be gone soon because of the company’s troubles.

I don’t know a precise moment when my ability to attach started fading away. Suddenly it no longer mattered if I lived in this house or any other house, worked at this job or any other job… Things that were lost no longer upset me. I once thought – what if the house caught fire, which things will I try to save? I think I will take my son’s hand, grab my passport (out of fear of bureaucratic harassment I guess) and walk away.

I even feel more detached from my body: before "we" were a whole thing, now it’s my body and I. I find it funny some mornings to look in the mirror and think: gosh, she looks so puffy, let’s try to fix her up. I spotted a gray hair and I thought I should probably give out some womanly reaction now and do some whining about the I-am-getting-old subject whereas in fact I didn’t feel upset, because me is still me – whether I’m 20, 30,70… I am very eager to travel now. And to disown so many things I have. And spend more time outdoors where nothing and everything belongs to me.

What is it? Finally feeling free or failing to find where I belong? Realizing that the biggest riches are within us or the disappointment of not finding those riches in the external world. I still own my memories. I may dislike my feelings and emotions at times, but it’s something that I own too because I feel what I feel since I am who I am. I still get to wake up every day with a vague expectation of what today holds for me. As many days as I am given. Those mornings are mine, the sky is mine, the dreams are mine. We truly only own what no one can take away from us. We own our thoughts even when we don’t have enough words to express them. And once we find love within that’s ours too. Forever.

Does Anyone Ask How You Are Today?

2010-07-21T12:29:00.001-07:00

“Why are you sad today?” asked the cart guy from whom I buy coffee every morning. A bunch of ideas swirled in my head, a hundred responses raced to be spit out – about all the pain, and disappointment, and things that go wrong and how I don’t know if I can fix them…On feeling lost, and hurt, and so desperately lonely... I opened my mouth to explain, to complain, to confess and then, surprised, I heard myself say “It will go away”. And it did.

"Happiness is Real Only when Shared"

2010-07-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

I watched this amazing movie "Into the Wild" about a month ago. Just as with any good movie and book everyone will discover some unique ideas and message that would speak to them directly. The ideas of freedom, non-conformism, breaking free, touching the lives of others with your conviction and sincerity. To me - it was mostly the idea of setting up on a long journey to find things that were always there, but it was making peace with them that the journey was really needed for.

"Happiness is Real Only when Shared" - the words scribbled by dying Alexander Supertramp with a shaky hand are not just striking.This is the biggest discovery he has made. Simple words that keep coming back to me ever since.

Thank You, Silent Words

2010-07-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

It’s an important realization that even if you are deprived of certain things you can still strive to live fully. There will always be some variables missing but instead of sulking about those couple of things that lack from your life, you can try to make the best out of what you do have. I did a mental exercise of listing all the aspects of my life where I am missing out therefore I cannot be fully happy. I got terrified by how much is missing from the picture. Then I thought of all my blessings – and I was immediately cheered up: boy, am I lucky! No wonder I keep switching between extremely happy to utterly unhappy pretty much on a daily basis.

Last few months have been a period of silence for me. I am coping all right but since I have a major need to express myself, there’s a grand monologue that goes on in my head for hours. I don’t talk to my husband, I don’t talk to my coworkers, I clearly don’t talk enough to my friends and family – but everyone is busy with their lives. I am a different person when I talk because words get so much weight off my chest so I lighten and move forward. With all the words inside me I’m stuck because I feel so heavy.

Yes, this silent period has been a challenge but it lead me to writing as a partial substitute to talking. It’s amazing that when you have a need so desperate you take on things you would not consider under normal circumstances in hopes of finding some relief. As one blogger wrote, “you don’t know what you know until you write it”. I still find it striking to see what words are coming out of me when I write. It’s like – did I really think that all this time? Is that how I really feel? Is that what bothers me? I had no idea some wounds were so deep, but the healing power of writing is undeniable. I leave it all here and move on with my life. And only the silent observer in me is rolling her eyes – how come she is living with all this pain, a seemingly upbeat person with these sad and desperate posts.

I write the first sentence and then I pause because I don’t know how to go on. But then it starts pouring out of me. And it’s not always to support or develop the idea of that first sentence. It’s like the small talk is over, the ice is broken, let’s get down to business. And I write and my own writing is a revelation to me each time. Because if only I let myself write non-stop, let my fingers on the keyboard take control, I can finally get the truth out. Things I’ve been hiding from myself for so long, for all my life. And often I don’t want to reread it, it’s enough that I got it out of my system. And occasionally I don’t even want to publish it. But as I keep writing, I gradually find my voice.

The power of silence, the power of words, the power of good little things in life that make the absence of big things a little more tolerable.

Day as Night

2010-07-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

Even on days when your life seems to be falling apart there are beautiful moments that simply cannot pass unnoticed. Little details that get you through the day by breathing some almost unperceivable hope in your exhausted mind. The mind that tends to go global and gets frustrated if it doesn’t crack the mystery of life in one day. It’s impossible for all the answers to come right to you and there is no readily available solutions to all your problems. It’s okay to feel lost and to know that you will feel equally lost tomorrow. It’s okay to hibernate once in a while. To observe. To contemplate. To have a blank mind. It’s okay not to look or feel your best. And to struggle with words and even thoughts. Living for days with the feeling like you just woke up and don’t quite understand where you are – it’s probably okay too.

But most importantly it’s totally okay to take it easy on yourself. Taking on every day of our existence is quite a challenge. We don’t get a life instructor with the life package. So when we make mistakes, move in the wrong direction or don’t meet our own expectations we shouldn’t take all the blame. We come to this world ignorant, often rely on misconceptions taught to us by others or our own instincts, which may fail at a pretty good rate too. You sail swiftly with the favorable wind, but when it subsides, your take your sail down and remain still. You don’t move forward for some time – just stay in the moment, letting little wonders of life in, waiting for a miracle. This is called self-acceptance.

Post Quarrel Thoughts

2010-07-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

With all the ups and downs of the past year, there was one distinct feeling that suddenly emerged to the surface – barely noticeable at first, but ever strengthening with power. The feeling, the acknowledgment, the discovery – three very simple most obvious words: “THIS IS ME”. Not someone I wanted to be, needed to be, or pretended to be – but just the way I am. Take me, ignore me, love me or hate me but THIS IS ME. Those are the most liberating words. Their purity separates me from the falseness of the world, from “THIS IS NOT ME”. Because being me I have a lot to give, but being someone else I am an empty vessel. We all have a fire inside that keeps us warm and alive, doing the right things ignites our fire like dry wood, chasing after false notions puts it out. And then we are surprised why we feel so cold, so dead…

I often feel like I am inside of a deep dark tunnel, there’s some light at the end but so far far away. Even if I never reach the light – as long as I keep moving forward I will be fine. I will feel lighter, I will have my direction and my purpose. Because when darkness pulls you even a few steps back, it makes you feel devastated. Climbing out of the dark is painfully hard. Holding on to light means living with hope – and sometimes that’s all we’ve got.

So this is me living in the wrong world. I am absolutely sure my world exists, I can sense it, almost envision it. But I can’t reach it. I know clearly well why –there’s still not enough knowledge, I started realizing things just recently and I still have trouble admitting the truth, accepting what holds me down. I got my roots too deep in this relationship, it will take years to break away. Or one day. Who knows. To embrace freedom. Or loneliness. Who knows. I’ve had my freedom once and I didn’t particularly like it. I want to belong but the right way. The only possible way that allows me to stay me. This part of my life is pretty tangled. At this moment it’s still easier to ignore it, to focus on other things, downplay its importance. But one day I will summon my courage, sit down and sort things out. For today knowing that THIS IS ME no matter what is good enough.

A Day to Forget

2010-07-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

Spending a day in the company of my male coworkers. They are wearing fancy suits and each has the latest model of an i-phone, i-pad, i-whatever. They are composed and competent at the business meeting, eloquent speakers, persuasive sellers. But being on the train with them was like being in a war zone. They were laughing so hard people would get up and move to the next train car. Their jokes, their hard core humor. Everybody and everything gets ridiculed. Diminished. Mixed with dirt. The voices penetrated my head, my brain, my spirit. Their fits of laughter like tsunami plunging on me, each wave hurting me more and more. Endless stories beginning with “we were so drunk that …” What is THIS? Who ARE you? What are you SAYING? I was in a slow-motion horror movie. My energy was destroyed, spirit crushed, their ridiculous stories hitting me like rocks thrown at an unprotected body.

I didn’t say much. I could only manage an awkward out-of-place smile. Endless trip, endless meeting, endless torture. I was probably in the center of their cruel jokes the minute I escaped. The day ended but I felt no relief. I was DAMAGED! I wish I could erase the whole day out of my memory. But it keeps coming back as if I froze in astonishment.

How can we protect ourselves from ignorant cold-hearted people who seem to dominate the world? Werewolves in suits. Well-groomed monsters. No soul behind their corporate language. If the whole business world is like that – I don’t want it. I don’t want to be part of it with my awkward smile and terrified mind. I am a woman. I am sensitive. I am vulnerable. I am not them, nothing like them, don’t want to be them. I anticipate a big career change. If a job has no soul I don’t want it. If I need to lie I don’t want it. If I have no will to care I don’t want it. If I am to be surrounded by cold, ignorant ruthless men I don’t want it. I don’t want to let the corporate life hurt me even more than it already did.

What if You Start with Love

2010-06-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

Things always work themselves out. And sometimes you are perplexed by the outcome. So that’s how it meant to end? And I’ve been wondering all this time, playing with all the wrong guesses. Occasionally the situation will get a predicted development so you can exclaim with self-righteousness, “I knew that!” But not always. Some circumstances are simply out of our hands. It doesn’t strip them from meaning and significance for our particular life. Everything has a meaning. And a message. But too often we shut our eyes and close our ears, refusing to see and hear, because interpreting the signs can act against our ego. “You need to be kind to people” the universe seems to be saying. But people are not kind to me – is your initial response. You need to take down your armor and act with love – but love leaves me vulnerable because we are living in a cruel world...

Living in New York makes you tough, but how do you know when it’s too tough? When you are scared to let the shade of emotion out? When meeting people you start off by judging them? You scrutinize them to anticipate any possible ways that they might hurt you. And then you decide pretty quickly that you are not up for pain so you won’t give them a chance to get to know you, so that just to hurt you later on. You become an expert of avoidance – avoiding eye contact (eyes give away your true emotions), avoiding conversations, avoiding encounters. In the end this approach leaves you invincible. And being alone is the price for that.

How do you undo the damage which it clearly is? Is there a way to melt your emotional coldness? I read about one solution which seems pretty doable and powerful: you start off by loving people. Pretty simple, eh? But can you really turn around when you are, let’s say, at work – look at all your indifferent coworkers and think in good faith “I love you all!” Can you think the same about some grumpy customers waiting in line at the supermarket? Or some person who gave you a look of pure hatred on the subway just because you happen to be white? Or someone who is deliberately hurting you with their words because you disappointed them by being yourself? Nothing is that easy. I just set my foot on this path and I realize that it takes constant control and self-discipline.

What are the gains? You set yourself free in a most surprising way. You are giving without asking for anything in return so there’s no room for disappointment here. If you begin with love it allows you to see people in a different light – you actually discover that they do have something they are worth loving for even if it didn’t seem like it at first glance. We all have our stories that shape us, but even a seemingly heartless person is warming up if you shed some love light upon him. Giving love costs us nothing because we have limitless amount of it yet it’s something we as a rule guard most fanatically. The usual mindset is that sparing love without a good return is a poor investment so it needs to be preserved till a better occasion presents itself. But I believe that with love the less you give it – the less you have it.

It’s a new beginning for me – to practice unconditional love for everyone I meet in the course of my life. But it already makes me feel calm and protected. I strive to create an aura of love and warmth around me and it won’t be achieved quickly or easily. And I will probably slip at times. But it feels so damn right to at least try. And even though it will probably be awhile before I see the impact on my own life, I am sure it will change tremendously. I also want to believe that practicing love will inevitably lead to more positive healthy thinking and provide the antidote for selfish and self-destructive thoughts.

I love you all and I wish you happiness!

Can You Get the Best Out of the Worst?

2010-06-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

We all at times find ourselves in unpleasant situations. Our immediate natural reaction is to start searching for a way out: even if you can’t figure it out right away, the process will provide some consolation because you are doing something as opposed to staying passive, so eventually things will change for the better. What if you have to stick around for a while? What if you have to endure something that absolutely poisons your life and everything that’s good in it? Is there a positive approach to endurance that seems to be stretching your limits too far?

In the last couple of months I went from almost liking my job to hating it enormously. There’s a number of reasons to that: I lost my entire team, I am working on a failure project that keeps dragging without an end in sight, my daily tasks got tedious and pointless, I get no guidance from the upper management so I am left there on my own to do meaningless things that have zero effect on success (or the absence of one) of the project. So my only motivation is that I still get paid but even that can end rather soon since the company has financial difficulties and just laid off one third of its work force.

I already made a decision to get another job, the trick is I am going on a 3-week trip at the end of August so it would be quite unreasonable to make a move before September. I made a conscious decision to stay here for the summer (or till I get laid off whichever comes first). It means continuing doing things I don’t believe or see any point in because that’s what I am getting paid for. It means pretending every work day for the next 2+ months - pretending that I am working, coming up with innovative ideas, projecting future success. Fake, fake, fake. It means trying to control my face so that it doesn’t give away my emotions, so I need to look at least neutral, not sour as I feel. It means having to compose myself every morning and “push” myself out of the door of my house. It means taking a deep breath before getting off the elevator on the 10th floor of my office building. It means taking another deep breath – a happy one this time – getting on the elevator at 5 pm, because the day is over. It means buying a lot of books to read my sadness away. It means reading a lot of blogs at work in hopes of improving my level of positivity. It means wanting to live in the future instead of the present moment.

I made a decision and I am willing to stick with it. Yet I imagined it to be easier – I will just come in every morning, minimum activity, zero caring, go home – forget it. I didn’t expect that living with such disgust would be so utterly difficult. And there isn’t a single thing to hold on to for strength. No friends left in the office (smart people quit in the right time), no exciting and distracting assignment (apart from reading blogs which is self-assigned). Nothing is there to help me feel better about the whole enduring process. So as always I have to come to my own rescue and dig some good out of the mud. So here’s how you can find positive moments in an unpleasant situation:

- You learn. Most importantly you learn something about yourself that can only be learned through a hardship. Now I know I will never be able to grow thick skin and I don’t have to. Being sensitive, caring too much, taking it personally can be a curse in the wrong setting. But it also what makes me different, it gives me a heart, it’s why most surprising types of people feel attracted to me. So hopefully I will be able to find a job which will allow me to stay sensitive and emotional as I am.

- Who said endurance is a bad thing? You read about ascetics who practice self-denial to achieve spiritual discipline. So I am sort of doing the same. A little bit of suffering is good for your soul. You become humble and you accept your lot. You even begin seeing everything in a different light, through the “martyr’s eyes” so to say and there’s certainly something to this experience.

- You will appreciate what’s to come. Sometimes you really need to hit the bottom to enjoy the going-back-up process, to be grateful for the good things in your life, to know exactly when your life took the right turn and feel good about it because you have something to compare to. You now know what you are not cut out for and will stay away from doing it. You understand better what you need and what you don’t need. And what’s most important, when the whole unpleasant situation is over, you can commend your spirit for enduring the hardship with grace and not letting it break you.

Because I am Angry

2010-06-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

It’s easy just to be angry at the whole world. Once you start, there’s no end to it – and you suddenly have a million reasons to justify your anger. The world is an unjust place. We all deserve happiness. And we all just wait for it to fall down on us from the sky and we’ll plunge in and swim in the ocean of euphoria.

But going back to anger… It’s easy to act like a little child who stomps his foot and yells, “I want it, I want it all, and I want it now!” Boy, do we all have an endless list of unsatisfied wishes. And once some of them come true, we quickly forget how badly we wanted them and move on to wanting yet even more desperately other things we are convinced we deserve in this life. I remember a girlfriend of mine who was single for years: once she finally got some kind of a boyfriend, she tried to get the most out of him to compensate herself for the loveless years. She wanted to be showered by his love, attention and generosity. She grasped him with the zest and energy he was unable to hold up to, so he removed himself from the picture pretty quickly.

I keep thinking about the constructive-destructive nature of our “I want”. It’s what’s driving us to move forward, progress and achieve success. It encourages us to learn and grow. But if we lose patience, if we get angry at the entire world for not getting what we want today instead of tomorrow, it’s a sure beginning of enormous discontent and self-destruction. We no longer notice or appreciate what we have – we are too busy focusing our attention on what we don’t have.

In these moments it’s useful to keep repeating this saying as mantra – the right things come in the right time. There are no random people in our life. And someone is hurting you only because you did your share of hurting in the past. You really have just one option – to try and become a better person. To suppress your anger. To forgive. To give love without asking for something in return. And as you begin to change, you will know for sure that you are moving in the right direction. It will feel right. Your ocean of happiness is right there waiting for you, stop hitting your imaginary breaks and you will discover a shortcut.

Coming Back from a Different World

2010-05-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve been mixing up the reality with imaginary world for a while. On the other hand invisible doesn’t mean surreal – my perception of things and emotions felt very real to me, they are just not the kind to share… Any way coming back from a different world evoked some serious thinking – is there a way to combine two realities: the one that’s in my head and the one perceived not just by me but also by those around me. And I need to find a way otherwise it will haunt me as some unhealthy obsession. At one point I began to fear that I am losing my sanity but labeling anything out of ordinary as crazy is probably not the right solution. Let’s call it being different: some people look at a person from the standard set - name, age, occupation, hobbies, etc… I see way beyond this : I try to grasp the soul – feelings, emotions, fear, pain. I try to see right through the external shell and get to the core of it which I call the truth. It’s not subjective because it’s not thought over, it’s felt on the intuitive level and can hardly be explained.

What scared me the most these days is how seeing through people affected me emotionally, up to the point of shaking and almost suffocating. I wish I had the explanation. You meet someone’s gaze for a split second and begin to shake. You are hit by the power of one’s eyes. Having visions was an even bigger puzzle. Let’s say you keep a normal conversation with a person but on some parallel level the two of you in a tight hug - and you see both realities simultaneously. I am not afraid because the development of things cheers me up in a way, but I can clearly see that it’s hurting me too. I’ve been fighting the gravity that was pulling me with surprising power and the worst (or the best) part was that I didn’t feel like fighting. One more signal and I would probably have dived right in. I don’t know. I am still perplexed. Meeting with enigmatic and powerful people that attract us in a supernatural way is sure a challenge. They pale our reality and arouse something inside that I didn’t know was there. As if I was stripped of all my layers, pretense didn’t even matter anymore because the invisible things got all the power. Being attracted to someone, longing for someone does not always have a logical explanation and just needs to be endured. And I am not sure how I am going to act next time I have a similar experience, but for now I am on a break. Just some vague memories and my dreams as a reminder...

What Truth is True?

2010-05-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

A human soul must be the most complicated and complex phenomenon on Earth. Years of mistakes and erroneous decisions may pass before we find ourselves on the right track of finding our true meaning in life. Sometimes we may get a hint and start moving in the right direction, but many times we are not even close so we keep bumping into the walls or give up all together.

But as we try to unravel this most important puzzle of our lives and determine the purpose of our existence, we must support this existence because a body-to-feed is attached to this mysterious soul of ours. So we work hard, then we work harder, then we get dissolved in this whole work-pay-bills-plan-the-future routine. There’s no time to be wasted on philosophy – we talk career opportunities, innovative technologies, endless new gadgets and information overload. We turn into robots. We watch movies and read books that require no thinking, their primitive ideas are spread evenly onto our brains as cream cheese on a stale bagel. These no-brainer movies and shows are produced for our sheer amusement and barely ever contain a single solid idea to contemplate about. And there’s a reason to it: we are too busy with our work and too lazy because of all the new technology.

Sometimes it terrifies me to see how the evolution oversimplifies a human nature. There is so much to us – we are all multi-faceted individuals, so unique, each with their own set of talents and skills. But all the uniqueness gets pushed back because we need to keep up with the ever-accelerating pace of life. I miss the time of great movies and amazing books, when one single phrase would suddenly resonate inside of you, shake your whole world. Now I get frustrated that book after book I attempt to enjoy fail to stir any kind of emotion in me – as if someone has chewed the food before placing it in your mouth and all you have to do now is just swallow it. I miss ideas behind the words, searching some hidden meaning, solving riddles, making discoveries. Each morning when on a train I stare at meaningless faces and try to understand why is it that we should give up on living and start existing; why there’s no fire in the faded eyes…

There’s so much good in me that’s dying to come out yet I feel like an actor without the stage and the audience. This need to find an external expression to my inner world is reflected in the clothes I wear, the words I choose, the blogs I comment on. I don’t want to suppress my personality, I don’t want to escape my delusional world because as made up as it seems, it is still more real than the robotic reality surrounding me.I am filled with a whirlwood of emotions and daring ideas, and who said it's worse than to feel nothing. I want to celebrate every day of a meaningful existence, every shade of emotion, every unrealistic dream and every discovery I make about the complex phenomenon of my own human soul.

Playing With Fire

2010-04-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

I had a week of excruciating agonizing physical pain. And even though my body didn’t exhibit much tolerance and gave out a good portion of moaning and groaning, my mind was calm with acceptance. What kept me sane was knowing that any kind of physical pain, no matter how strong and intolerable it seems, eventually comes to an end. And once we heal, our brain will block all the memories of the torturous experience. It’s like recovering after the c-section: I remember it was pretty bad but I don’t really remember the details.

Emotional pain is a different story. You never know when you’ll finally feel relief, you are never sure if you really hit the bottom. How long is it going to last? What can you do at least to ease it, since you know that you can’t make it go away completely? It enslaves you, guides your actions, distracts you from what’s important in your life. Emotional pain is unpredictable and often illogical. Just when you think it’s finally getting better something will trigger the new downfall – back to collecting your pieces… It’s like one step forward, two steps back…

Coming out of it emotionally drained, you promise you will never ever let it come to that again. You will live a quiet turmoil-free life and stay clear of potentially hazardous situations. But life is life – and we inevitably get drawn into a precipice. We long for a taste of a forbidden fruit even being somewhat aware of the consequences. But the attraction becomes too irresistible: you tell yourself – I will just get a tiny bite, and then another one, and one more… Before you know it the addiction is too strong to fight and you are back to the hell where the price for seconds of happiness and pleasure is hours, days, weeks of that agonizing emotional pain you’ve once promised to avoid. So having one foot above the abyss, ask yourself if it isn’t too late to stop…

Time For Happy Thoughts

2010-04-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

It’s good to have things happening, to take a break from all the self-analysis and self-digging. I’ve been busy at work, going out with friends, going to the circus with my family on Easter Day, watching lots of good movies, eating delicious food. I managed to free my mind from all the issues and thoughts it’s been trying to process and just live my life. No over thinking – just taking everything in and let things be. And I love it this way, being able to live in the moment without projecting too far into the future or letting the past haunt you.

I am able to see the true brightness of colors, food tastes better to me. And how can I not enjoy life when spring is finally here at its full strength! Last night I opened the window and breathed in the warm breezy spring air filled with the aroma of the blossoming trees. I thought – no matter what happens in your life, spring always comes and fills you with happiness. It’s the time when we are reborn, just like the new leaves start growing on the trees out of nowhere. We shed off the weight of the winter mood, the gloom, the dark thoughts, our sleepiness, - feeling lighter, rejuvenated. We open our toes and our hearts, put on summer clothes and bright smiles, getting some tan and some adventures.

Spring is the time when we long for love but this time I don’t search for it externally. I feel it inside of me, always present, filling me with light and forgiveness. It’s good to know that I can let it shine through, reach random people, and still have plenty left. Because love has no limits and no boundaries, it’s endless and eternal. As long as we don’t push it away from our hearts, it will grow and blossom inside of us, empowering us to live our lives the right way.

It's spring and I am very happy.

Big Day

2010-03-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have my ups and downs. But today was a big day for me. I got my pay raise. I had a very successful presentation for our biggest client, which I had to put together on a short notice, since they “forgot to notify me of the upcoming meeting”. People walked over to me afterward in order to express their gratitude. That meant a world to me not only as acknowledgment of my professional growth, but also as a reward for fighting big personal battles day after day. I feel down a lot but I try to look and act happy because happiness and love are the ultimate goals in this life. And you don’t stand a chance to be happy if you let your emotional weakness and depression drag you down. I cannot afford to lose respect for myself, my dignity, because then I will never summon the strength to get out of bed each morning. So nervous or not, I get out there and talk. Because I’d rather be defeated than become a coward in my own eyes. Because I am ambitious and stubborn. Because to me lack of progress is regress, staying in one spot is the same as moving backward. Because at the end of the day I know that I was born a fighter.

In The World Of Fantasy

2010-03-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I lose touch with the reality. I feel like way too often my imagination lifts me up and carries me to distant non-existent places, showing me things that could only happen in my dreams. But at the same time I believe that imagination is the biggest part of our survival kit: it gives us a temporary escape from reality when we can no longer deal with it. Some bright made-up images keep me awake at night filling me up with aspiration and hope, but that’s another story.

What I find puzzling is how there aren’t always distinct boundaries between the real and imaginary worlds. A couple of things observed in real life find a way to almost instantly tie into a beautiful fairy tale. Life is less dull and monotonous if you fill it with fantasies based on the real things. You may get carried away by the whole process, but when it’s time to come back to earth, you shake all the things you imagined off your mind and go about your daily routine with focus and seriousness that are naturally expected of you. And then to your biggest surprise you discover that some things you attributed to your imagination are actually very real. This makes you question other of your numerous fantasies and anecdotic conclusions: what if there’s some truth in them as well? This will overwhelm you to the extent that you will want to stop this confusing process of day-dreaming. You try to stay real, take people for what they are, interpret events solely based on the facts. You are too afraid to miss the realness of your life just because at some point you decided that staying in the imaginary world is more fun.

But a dreamy mind can only stay sober that long. And yet again based on just a few signs I made such a lovely story of which I am the main character. Every morning I tell myself it’s not real, but every night I wake up to relive the details of my fable. If only I knew if I want to ever know the truth or not-knowing makes me safe and reasonably happy, because I can always adjust the story line in my mind just to my liking. I think between the real and the imaginary, the truth has to be somewhere in the middle. Not everything that we see is what it really is, and not everything that we dream of is fake.

One Simple Discovery

2010-03-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

Last night I was reading to my son his favorite encyclopedia about planets. When we came across the explanation of “shooting stars”, I decided to expand on the topic and told him about the make-a-wish belief. I said that unfortunately it happens so quickly, there’s barely enough time to think of a wish, so you’d better have it ready. I was about to turn the page, when my son told me that his wish would be that his favorite classmate lived close to us and they could play on the weekends together. I smiled at the innocence of the wish and how quickly he came up with it, but then…

Then I had this moment… I thought – at least he has a wish, what would mine be? And I clearly knew the answer right that second: I don’t have one. It’s not that I have absolutely no dreams, or desires. There isn’t a wish that I’d want to waste a shooting star for. I already have all the things I ever wished for. Big things. Important things. Things that make me happy. Any other good things that will happen to me in this life will be a lovely addition to the already present happiness. Because if I cannot admit that I am happy with everything that I have, then no things in the world can ever make me happy.

Next time I see a shooting star, I will only smile and let someone else “use” its wish-granting power. I am all set. Is there a more simple definition of happiness?

Spring is Here

2010-03-10T06:21:00.000-08:00

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

It’s one of those moments when you take a step forward and find yourself in unfamiliar surroundings. You are not sure yet what to make of it, you are excited and slightly petrified about the unknown, but you know that you are no longer the same person. We change every day. We make discoveries that open our eyes and there is no turning back to the old way of thinking. It’s a never stopping evolution of mind.

You made it to the new phase of your life and it will take some time before it becomes customary reality. You don’t know how you will proceed from here or where you will go next. Ideas will come along, signs will become visible and more obvious as you step on this new path. It’s progress if it feels good. It’s not your path if you feel insecure and uncomfortable, and all the people around will speak some unfamiliar language when you recognize the words, but struggle to grasp their meaning. But if you are on right track, you will meet amazing people. You will become a part of someone’s life. You will change lives, change people. Many unexpected and puzzling things will happen to you. In this amazing journey called life you are destined to be surprised, entertained, educated and loved every mile you pass.

Hiding From Stress, Hiding From Life

2010-03-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

I have absolutely low stress tolerance. Things other people would barely notice freak me out for days. It mostly affects my sleeping pattern since I get too emotional to relax and let my brain plunge into the dreams world. But it also affects my focus – which is the most annoying part: it comes to the point when I ask myself how long I can keep thinking over and over about the same thing??? Yet it doesn’t stop there and all sorts of fake distractions I come up with work only shortly.

I’ve acknowledged my inability to deal with stress long ago. In fact I keep adjusting my life to downplay the dominance of this particular weakness. I remain on good terms with most people I deal with one way or another; I avoid any sort of confrontation and the word “enemy” has no chance to ever be in my lexicon. I am very organized and plan everything in advance; I hate to be late – and try not to; I take risks only if I am absolutely positive the outcome won’t emotionally destroy me.

This stress avoidance technique has been a necessity dictated by my extremely fragile emotional nature: living in harmony with the world was the only way to guarantee my inner calm, my happiness. But suddenly I began to realize that what I’ve considered stress avoidance at times turns into life avoidance: it slows me down,it makes me forsake some opportunities that life presents. I tell myself: I won’t do as well as others, but as long as I am happy it doesn’t matter. I won’t pursue things that interest me because my boyfriend is against them and fighting with him is so exhausting. I won’t tell people they are hurting my feelings to avoid any possible tension as an outcome. I won’t meet new people because I might not like them but I will feel forced to maintain conversation with them, which will stress me out. I won’t ask for a raise at work because… because … IT’S JUST SUCH A BIG DEAL! It will make me feel nervous and I don’t like that! It’s easier to leave things the way they are: keep taking on the ever expanding responsibilities and doing work for others without being paid accordingly. Or maybe it’s easier to stay home all day and watch TV: because no matter what crazy things are happening on the screen, they don’t bother you because they don’t concern you.

I don’t want to be the ostrich who hides his head in the sand – no seeing, no feeling. It’s time to change the pattern. I am asking for a raise today. And that’s just a start. Good luck to me!

On Loneliness and Letting People In

2010-03-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

Letting people into your life has been a curious subject for me for quite some time. I guess that’s what living in New York does to you, when you learn to trust no one and maintain your distance. So you get your carefully guarded space where you can breathe and think safely just to find yourself longing to fill it with people all over again. You think: I will be highly selective this time. But you end up setting such high impossible to meet standards – no one seems good enough to earn your trust and loyalty.

But then fate has some mercy on you and sends you someone who you naturally connect with immediately. You breathe in and out the same way, think similar thoughts and have a lot in common. So without further hesitation you let them in, which makes you really happy for a while… But good things can only last that long. Not that much time will pass before they get close enough to start hurting you.

I have two kinds of scenario how it happens. My newly made female friends switch rather quickly from discussing topics of mutual interests which were the foundation of our friendship in the first place to focusing on their personal problems. I know I am a good listener and people trust me with their most intimate stories. I have genuine interest and compassion for others’ lives; I will throw myself into the solution finding process and give the best possible advice I can find. But where does it leave me? Once the shift in the relationship happens, it’s very hard to turn things around. So I get to play the role of a listener and whenever I make an attempt to bring up a “piece” of my life, it get’s ignored in such a bold way that it almost shocks me. So I find myself in those one-sided relationships which begin to burden me in a way, that I start avoiding those suddenly–too-selfish friends for the sake of keeping my own sanity. It’s like they are discarding all the junk from their lives – and I am such a convenient dump place for them.

With my male friends things are usually much easier … unless they suddenly develop a crush on me. And it once again sparks the popular debate if friendship is possible between men and women. The development takes a very dramatic turn: because they know me so well, they sort of believe they own a piece of me. I try to remain on friendly terms – it is a disaster. I end the relationship and limit communication to occasional polite “how are you?” – another disaster when so much hostility is suddenly aimed at me.

I am friendly and outspoken, I used to make friends easily. Why do I suddenly have to alienate myself now to avoid the hurt? What do I need to do differently to avoid shutting people out shortly after letting them in? Can the curse be broken so that the emptiness goes away? Where does the meaning of true friendship lie?

Looking In Your Eyes

2010-02-24T13:01:00.001-08:00

You go on about life as usual: it’s mostly routine with some scheduled fun here and there. You’ve been through so much that it seems close to impossible to wow you. Even things that you supposedly should enjoy feel just OK. You walk outside in the morning and think: what a gorgeous day! You realize it, you experience it, but only half-feel it as if there is a heavy lock on your heart that lets out only this much of emotion. I remember 10 years ago a beautiful sunset would make me shiver: I could be so full of emotions that I felt like crying. Now even though I know it’s supposed to feel good, the feeling of happiness is not full, it’s half forced out.

But then there are these distinguishable moments, which happen unexpectedly and leave you dazzled long after. Moments of the most authentic happiness when the time stops – there is no past, no future, no thinking, no regrets, no external life other than this moment that fulfills you and dissolves you all at once. The utter realness of it is so above everything else you’ve ever experienced in your life. You want this moment to last forever because you know there is nothing like it “out there”, it’s like being transferred on another planet where absolute happiness is the ever-lasting state of things. When you feel like YOU, not what you are supposed to be, not what you thought you were, not the way you are perceived. You are no longer parts and pieces, there is perfect unity in your essence. The moment when you see yourself and you are perfect.Your moment of extraterrestrial happiness.

It will be over just like everything in this life. You will feel stunned and tranquil for some time, smiling at everyone with a puzzling distant smile. Part of you will still be in that moment, reliving every millisecond of it, but the other part has already plunged into your mundane reality. The effect of the moment will wear off, details will become blurry. But you know it was real, you were in it, you had it, you lived it. And it will stay with you forever as a reminder that miracles happen, that happiness is real. You will save it in your heart as a mini-sun, that will keep you warm on cold winter days.

When Mondays Hurt

2010-02-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

When you wake up in the morning and know that you need to get up, but don’t remember why

When you complete a bedroom-bathroom-kitchen marathon in record time but are still late for work

When you don’t feel like talking to your co-workers and people in general

When you cannot help but wonder why there is pure emptiness in your head

When starting off the engine of a 30-year-old car seems a joke comparing to starting off your brain

When you check your Facebook first thing in the morning hoping to improve your mood, and see the photos from a friend’s vacation in Venice (which is your dream destination that you currently cannot afford)

When the coworker you have lunch and coffee breaks with gives his two weeks’ notice

When you feel like you are falling apart and even some shopotherapy that you do during your lunch hour doesn’t seem to help much…

Remember: even if your Monday sucks (and according to the law of life most of them do), tomorrow is always a better day. And you are almost there.

Don't Panic

2010-02-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

Growing thick skin takes time and continuous exposure to the challenges and hardships that harden our spirit. Occasionally life gives us a long break when the amount of stress we endure on a daily basis is so minimal –we barely notice it. However it’s less of a favor then we think since we soften and relax. And when a real stressful event finally occurs – good or bad, we are so unprepared that we panic.

If I need to do public speaking every week, it becomes a customary thing for me and causes little anxiety. But if I am barely ever involved in it – and suddenly I am asked to present to a bunch of serious people, I am terrified to a point when I become speechless with fear. All the long-forgotten symptoms make a comeback: loss of appetite, inability to focus, broken sleep pattern and insomnia. Mentally you are so stuck on the upcoming event that you actually fail to notice what’s going on around you unless it’s related to the source of your stress. Waiting is the worst part: hours suddenly stretch into eternity; you dream about having a “fast forward” button, which would transfer you instantly into that future moment, when the scary event is over and you know the results.

What can I say… You have to deal with it, there is no way around it – unless you choose to escape right before the “dreadful” thing is supposed to happen (such as quit your job before an important meeting that terrifies you). But you cannot run away from life, some of these situations are inevitable. Thus, I remember my cowardly thoughts as I went into labor with my son: “I wish it was not happening to me” or “I wish they just sedated me and when I wake up – the baby is already out”. Yet I had to endure the process from its painful beginning to its equally painful end. But if you do something in spite of the paramount fear – you are not a coward. You are a human being. It’s important not to let your weaknesses dominate your life and slow down your progress. You dive right in, you push yourself, you move forward even as panic paralyzes your body. And then you look back and tell yourself with pride and joy: I made it!

You Are Not Alone

2010-02-15T12:11:00.001-08:00

I noticed that in your worst most desperate moments there will always be someone to come to your rescue. It’s like a helping hand is reaching out to grab you and pull you out just as you begin to sink too deep.

I remember living in the longest period of depression with no light visible at the end of the tunnel. I was sitting on a train taking me nowhere (I was actually going home from work), drowning in the darkest of my thoughts, oblivious to life around me. And there was this guy, whom I only met twice before at an employment agency, sitting in front of me on the same train. We spoke, he sounded friendly and attentive. He shyly invited me over to his place which was one stop after mine. I had no one waiting for me at home, so I accepted the invitation. We spoke for hours. He is a unique listener so I poured all the pain and misery out of my heart till I felt calm with emptiness. He made me tea; he even found me some vodka since I could use a drink (he never touches alcohol himself). He gave me advice, tried to find explanation why all those things were happening to me. He assured me that I could be happy. He walked me to the train station. He hugged me as we were waiting for a late night train, saying “your eyes are green”. It was dark, but I neared my face to his – and his eyes were green too…

I felt reborn after spending just a few hours with him. I thought I had a crush – which suddenly filled my life with new thoughts and dreams, distracting me from all the problems that seemed to be dominating my life just recently. We exchanged a few phone calls after that. We made several attempts to meet but every time something got in the way and either of us would cancel. I finally accepted it as a not-meant-to-happen fairytale and moved on.

A random encounter saved me that warm June night 8 years ago. Just as I was suffocating in a narrow cage hoping for nothing, the door was suddenly opened – so I fled to see the things I failed to notice before, to experience life in its new form. We may believe in a guardian angel, or the laws of Universe – it’s true that we are being watched. So many times in a difficult situation I would find the answer in a most unexpected way: a random book that “reads my heart”, a blog post where someone describes the same experience and offers a solution, a piece of advice from a stranger. All of it is meant to show that you are not alone and your silent cry for help will be heard and answered.

Living a Routine Life

2010-02-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

... you don’t get to have adventures.

You are barely ever surprised or emotional.

You feel secure and bored most of the time.

You get lazier and lazier and probably gain some weight too.

You have little variety in what you eat.

You go to the bathroom at the same time every day.

You are afraid of change and resist it in any possible way (even if you secretly long for it).

You are so boring that keeping a conversation becomes a struggle – you simply don’t have anything to say.

You have just a couple of facial expression that you rotate wearing.

You judge others because you are jealous (which you will never admit).

You complain a lot but won’t make a move to change things.

You don’t believe there is fun in life, and even if there is – it’s for others.

You have very few memories.

You never have a good answer to the question “what’s new?”

You anticipate nothing.

You hate your life.

One Snowy Day

2010-02-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

Snow outside. Salt on my shoes. An ambiguous premonition all week long – something is going to happen. I look for signs, I check my e-mail more frequently, I watch the news – but I still don’t know what it is. But something is going to happen.

I think of all the wrong things. And people. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow. I wait for impossible things even as I swore a thousand times to let go.

I try to find what’s missing in the picture. Sometimes it feels like everything is missing, that it’s the wrong picture and I shouldn’t be in it. I am glad my son is with me to make it all real, so I can abort regrets and be grateful.

How are you supposed to defeat loneliness? You look into people’s faces as if begging “talk to me”, but they are too unemotional, empty, almost hostile, protective of their tiny dark caves called privacy. I want to connect but I close up instead. I am afraid to let anyone in because they always find a way to hurt you, or use you, or make you addicted and needy.

Believing in a better tomorrow is my biggest asset. I am so hopeful that it almost gives me wings. I am filled with curiosity, I can’t wait to peek what new adventure the future has in stock for me. I am an optimist after all.

Stay in the Moment

2010-02-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
W.H. Davies

Life is one big process of waiting for something to happen. During the week we are waiting for the weekend to come, once the weekend is here – we are waiting to go back to work (not necessarily looking forward, but still getting ready one way or another). We are waiting for our well-deserved vacation to get a break from life. We are waiting for the love of our life, but often once we are in a relationship, we are waiting for it to be over, and something better to start. We are waiting to have children, but when we have them, we are waiting for them to grow up, so that we can regain our freedom. Our children become adults and leave the nest, then we are anxiously waiting to have grandchildren to fill in this burdensome silence and emptiness in the house.

Maybe waiting is what keeps us going – if we get to pause and tell ourselves, ‘this is it, this is the day I’ve been waiting for, now it is here so the waiting is over”. But it doesn’t work that way. We cannot stay in the moment because tomorrow is already sucking us in, disguised under some fancy term like “life planning”. So we are always in the present with just one foot, the other has already stepped into the future, testing the water, foreseeing the events of tomorrow.

Staying in the moment is an art, neglected by most people, who are convinced that life is too hectic and we cannot afford to stop: we will simply get run over by the ever-increasing and speeding life-ball – bills, mortgage, retirement planning, investment, savings… But catching happy moments is essential for you to keep it real, to stay in touch with your life as it is , at this very second. Otherwise it’s just waiting to die, because living in tomorrow only gets you closer to that one final day, when there is no longer tomorrow, no more planning, anticipation – this day is all you have left. If only you didn’t waste so many other days that preceded it.

Learn how to stop and appreciate the luxury of having each day we were given. Have your mental camera ready to take a snapshot of random moments that make this day unique: music you hear on the subway; a cute but sad puppy tied up to the meter, waiting for the owner to come back; snow-covered trees through the windows of your bus on the way home; a spontaneous tight hug from your child. What are your favorite moments of TODAY?

Stepping on a Dangerous Ground

2010-02-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

We often have to fight temptations because we are aware of the consequences. Most of the time they are simply not worth it: a short-lived pleasure with a long pay off period afterward. “It’s much easier to extinguish a first desire than to satisfy all of those that follow it.“ There are always principles to hold on to, which, as we are convinced, fully protect us. Even when the occasion will present itself, we believe we’ll just shed it off our mind and continue walking on the straight line. If only we knew better about the nature of temptations.

They come when your life is in perfect balance and you are enjoying your inner harmony. Or right after you made a difficult decision and feel very determined to stick to it. Or when you just seriously committed to something. We are often quite clueless about the things we may find tempting, which makes fighting the temptation even harder: we are totally unprepared to resist the thing we never thought we would find appealing. What’s worse – temptations are breaking your defense with incredible persistence. If you decide against red – red will be everywhere you look; want to become a vegetarian – everyone around you is suddenly eating juicy steaks; you scorn adultery – and someone is trying to seduce you with unheard of passion and determination.

If only saying “no” was that easy. Being tormented by longing day after day weakens the strongest will. Temptation is like a siege: the longer it lasts, the better the chance that you will succumb to it. First you will give a small crack, thinking that it’s still not late to turn back. Little do you know, that you’ve stepped on a dangerous ground: temptation will mess you up and spit you out, once you lose everything that you cherish in your life.

Walking Up the Escalator

2010-02-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

I like to commit to small resolutions, for some reason it makes me feel more in control of my life. Recently, when in a mall, I made myself a promise to walk up the escalators instead of riding them. It happened just as I was standing still on one of them – I suddenly saw myself all tired and apathetic, waiting for this “dragging” to be over. And I felt angry and started walking up, even though my legs seemed to protest against this unnecessary motion. But as I approached the top, I was filled with energy and enthusiasm. Ever since then I resolved to walk up any escalator on my way – for the sake of exercise, being in control, being ahead of time. And that was my little yet quite symbolic victory over myself.

That’s how our life goes: we can let it drag us wherever we are going or we can make an effort and speed things up. We can wait till we get to the final destination point – relationship, career, realization of dreams or we can get there faster by being more active, having more movement, getting stronger from that extra labor that we choose to do. Riding the escalator of life seems easy, but walking it up is more rewarding.

What is it about the Eyes?

2010-01-27T13:38:00.000-08:00

Eyes are the door to one’s soul. Yet more and more I feel like I am surrounded by empty meaningless looks. People avoid the eye contact or when they do look you in the eye, you get zero emotion as if they were dead…

Occasionally you look at some stranger on a train, or on the street, your eyes meet and it’s like an electric shock. You suddenly have the urge to come over and talk, because you know you will be understood. It’s like you belong to the same “tribe”, members of which are scattered on earth but one look is enough to be recognized.

It also happens that you can’t stand looking someone in the eyes. It gives you chills, strange vibe which you subconsciously try to avoid. You dislike the person without even knowing why (you will probably find out later, once you get to know him), but difficulty maintaining an eye contact is usually the fist warning sign.

Eyes happen to be one of the most powerful weapons in a human’s arsenal, maybe even more powerful than wittiness and outstanding verbal skills. Some people hypnotize you with their eyes, you almost get addicted when you crave those looks, have a strange longing for seeing those eyes again. Sometimes a person’s eyes penetrate you raising a feeling of nakedness and helplessness. There are eyes that evoke calmness and inner comfort: they relax you and encourage at the same time.

Eyes will always give you away, they are a reflection of your inner state. You try to look happy, but no one will buy it because misery is streaming down from your eyes. And when you happen to like someone, there is no way to hide that peculiar gaze that gives butterflies in the stomach. And when you are in love, you can look into the eyes you adore for eternity if not longer.

Who Do You Talk to When You Can Talk to No One

2010-01-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

So I have this thing, and it keeps bugging me. And bugging me. And bugging me. It simply won’t go away - looks like it settled inside my brain for a long time. Day after day, month after month I am circling in the same pattern of thinking without getting anywhere. If only I could spell it out just like I do with everything that’s bothering me. But in this case it’s a taboo, closed topic, partially out of my determination, partially out of delicacy of the situation.

I’ve thought of a number of people who I could share it with for the sake of getting some relief. I’ve actually done a mental exercise of “telling” the story to someone: imagined what words I would use, anticipated the reaction. But it didn’t go beyond the rehearsal because I am pretty certain that I will never have the courage to actually say those words. And I will never find the right person to share it with. And I will never get the right reaction. And I will never get relief I seek. So what should I do to ease this burden?

There is a solution to everything but in this case it seems like letting the matter dissolve in time is the only option. But how long is it going to take? I’ve tried to distract myself in so many ways, but my mind keeps rejecting those fake distractions, so I gave up and faced the problem. Longing is the word here. And when you long for something that you cannot have, when you want it to be cold and hot at the same time, when you want to have both fire and water in one place… It makes satisfaction totally impossible but doesn’t diminish the pain, turning it into a paradox that even this writing won’t solve.

Nothing is What It Seems

2010-01-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

How often does our mind lock some random notion as absolute? We just decided once and forever that we like something, or dislike something and follow our preferences without second-guessing them - simply because at some point n years ago we labeled them in a certain way.

These days I happen to revisit so many of my previously set views, trying to question them in a manner of “what if the opposite holds true?” What if all this time I was holding on to the dumbest misconceptions that presented my biggest self-imposed limitations? Maybe it’s time to doubt everything I believe in order to see behind the horizon? The biggest problem with preconceived notions is that they distort our perception: it’s like we’ve placed too many “stop” signs and now we bump into them wherever we go, which greatly limits the amount of directions we can take.

It starts with small things – let’s say you try avocado for the first time, don’t really “get” its taste and declare that you don’t like it. If at some point you reconsider and have a new attempt of taste-testing, you might be surprised that you actually like it this time around. If not – you won’t have a pleasure of savoring so many wonderful dishes that contain avocado. Which is not that big of a deal, but this kind of limitations add up, and before you know it – you realize how few things you enjoy in life. You find that you lack happiness, because there are not enough things that you truly like, - you try to find your way out of your misery cave, but you stumble with every step – remember your “stop”-signs? You don’t remember why they are here, but you are still convinced it’s for a valid reason.

What if it concerns a bigger side of your life? You decide you are not made for parenthood (in fact you’d make the happiest mom or dad ever), or that your dead-end job is the best you can do (and you never make a move to prove otherwise), or that living with the person you don’t love is the only option because you happen to have a child together?

It is always safer to put a “stop” sign by default. But then we get too busy with life to go back and think again, weighing all the pros and cons, considering all the possibilities. And knocking down all the “stop”signs at once is quiet a daunting task too – but you can do that little by little, one by one. You will be surprised how many “go” signs should have been there instead.

"I Hate My Life"

2010-01-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

“I hate my life” – I heard from a friend today. That’s a shockingly strong statement. People in Haiti sent praises to God in spite of all the devastation caused by the powerful earthquake – they live on the street, many of them have no water or food, but they are still thankful because they are alive.

It’s difficult if not impossible to be happy all the time. There are things you can hate about your life – such as your current job, or your scandalous boss, or your dead-end relationship. But saying that you hate your entire life is pure ungrateful because you deny all the good things that are in your life. You fail to notice and to acknowledge the positive, placing your entire focus on the negative. You poison the atmosphere and begin to spread negativity around. Then other people, who are struggling too but don’t give up hope, begin to avoid you. Life is difficult as it is, we are all well aware of that, why would we need someone to remind us time and again.

As a rule discontent is a driving force of progress. If you don’t want to be stuck you need to move, you need to change things around you, sometimes you need to change yourself. Stop putting up with thing you don’t like, there are millions of things in this life that you would LOVE doing! Many people prefer to waste themselves claiming that there is no better alternative –CRAP! You tried a couple of choices, didn’t like neither, but still decided that you have to settle for something, hopefully for a lesser evil. I have no other choice is your verdict. But life is abundant with choices, sometimes you just change one thing, and as a chain reactions other aspects of your life begin to transform. You don’t like where you live – so you move; you see new places, you meet new people, form new relationships. You don’t like your job, but you don’t know what else you can do – try yourself in a totally new field, even if you’ve never imagined working there. Who knows maybe you will like it. Or at least you will learn that you don’t, and cross it out from your list, moving on to the next option.

Experiment, test your limits, do crazy things, smile, joke. Start conversations with people, don’t shut within yourself, you never know where some brilliant idea or useful advice will come from. Ask questions, think over the answers, read more, educate yourself. There is a million things you can do and only after you fail in each one of them you can rightfully declare, “I hate my life!”

New Day Has Come

2010-01-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

Some days are not meant to go well, no matter what you do to reverse that. Once you realize that today is just a bad day – the best thing you can do is just patiently wait till this day is over. You can suppress thinking by some brainless activity like playing a video game, or distract yourself in other ways so as to minimize any interaction with people (because it won’t go well either) and to make this day end faster.

And as some magic rule, the next day always brings relief – as if rewarding you for making it through the previous 24 hours. You wake up rested, you feel light and full of energy, you no longer hate the world. This is my day today: everything feels just right. I got enough sleep, I was on time, I was finally productive at work which put an end to the “I-am-so-useless” feeling. I found a new friend online (in fact she found me, some distant relative) – but she turned out to be a sweet girl, looks like we have a lot in common and could become friends. And I always welcome a like-minded person to my life.

So comparing yesterday, when I was trying in vain to drag myself out of the swampland, and today, when living feels easy again, - I am yet again convinced, that things cannot go bad forever. Relief is just around the corner. “The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter.” A black stripe is always followed by a white one. I just wish my life was comprised mostly of days, when living doesn’t require so much effort. I know that I am who I am because of all the hard time I’ve had, but maybe I would be a better me, a happier one, if life took it a little easier on me. For now I am just grateful for another break.

Drag Yourself Out

2010-01-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

Today is the most depressing day of the year. At least according to some news site. Lack of vitamins and sunlight is intensified by the fact that it’s Monday and we are still in winter. So we are doomed to feel down today and there is no way around it… or is there?

Earlier I felt very much at the bottom of the deepest hole ever. And the morning fight that started out of the blue made me question if a better tomorrow will ever come. I stared into one spot on the way to work, and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone upon arriving here.

But thank god there are people who don’t feel as down today. They are still capable of talking, joking and laughing – they are capable of inspiring me to put an effort and get myself out of my self-imposed misery. It can be the most depressing day of the year but I can still make it worth living. Even if I do a trivial thing like shopping for a new dress or getting myself a fancy dessert – forget the unplanned spending – I can still improve my mood. I can take matters in my own hands instead of surrendering to the flow. I can read an inspirational blog, story, news. I can write to people to encourage communication. I can plan a vacation even if I will never go on the trip.

Waiting for someone to come and save you from your misery is pointless. Submitting to depression and suffering is easier than fighting them, but it makes it so hard to regain control once you give it up. So I take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and start an adventure of saving the day!

Making Decisions for Others

2010-01-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

I happen to have a good healthy common sense present in most situations. I tend to think clearly when other people panic or get carried away by emotions. So little by little I learnt to take charge and make decisions for others, convinced that I am doing them a big favor since they cannot make the right decisions for themselves.
But lately I’ve been contemplating if I have the right to tell others what to do. I know my opinion matters and they agree with me most of the time. The problem is they already have a decision, even though they partially realize they are making a mistake, they are pretty determined that something will still come out of it – so why not risk it? They will listen to me politely and thank me for the advice, or they will try to contradict me with their vision of things, - regardless they will take the step they initially planned to take. I will be left suffering from the world’s disharmony and my failed attempt to bring things to order.

First I was convinced that because I have this super-inflated common sense and strong logic, it’s my destiny to protect people around by giving them a good advice. Now I am not so sure. Maybe they need to have this sort of experience when they screw up, learn their lesson and move on. Maybe they don’t need protection from pain, because pain is also a part of their life, which they intend to live to the fullest. And besides I cannot be around all the time to make decisions for them, so they will have to learn the process, getting a few bumps along the way. But most importantly, what if they are right, and I am wrong? I will use all my skills to persuade them to take the wrong path and will be held responsible?

So for a time being, I will be away from my decision-making desk, of course you can always leave me a message, but I will take my time to consider whether I should get back to you…

On Waiting

2010-01-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

Waiting doesn’t always equal to doing nothing. Some things need to be waited out even if it means that you have to fight the urge to take action. “Well-wishers” will keep whispering in your ears that it’s time to move on, that you’ve been stuck in the same place or the same situation for too long. But maybe once in awhile we should trust our guts and simply wait. Maybe in order to move further we need the right wind to fill our sails, so that we move in the right direction.

More and more people get unsatisfied with their jobs. There are always things to dislike but even in spite of the unprecedented unemployment rate, they believe they should change a job for a happy life to begin. What if you are only half-dissatisfied and know that getting a new job doesn’t guarantee you full satisfaction? In fact you are afraid to make things worse so you’d rather wait till you have more experience and expertise; you need it to be more clear in your head what is it that you want to do.

The same applies to relationships – even if it feels like moving on (or out) is not such a bad idea, there is always a question – where to? Loneliness? Endless and fruitless search? Do you exit a half-happy relationship because you believe there are more perfect things awaiting? How many perfectly happy people in perfect relationships have you met? And where does reality stop and utopia begins?

Waiting is the answer. Shift your focus away from these major questions, do some things that you like, get new experiences. When the time comes, life will give you a sign. In fact it will give you several sights knowing how short-sighted you are. All the circumstances will inevitably lead you to the realization that the situation needs to be addressed. Until then just wait.

What a Beginning

2010-01-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

It’s a tough month, a tough week. It’s testing me in every imaginable way in different aspects. It’s testing my emotional strength which doesn’t happen to be at its highest point. It’s testing my wishes and dream as if I am being shown: is that what I REALLY want? Will I know what to do with it? Am I where I am supposed to be?

Because my emotional side is getting out of control, I have to appeal to my senses. To step aside and look at everything as if it’s not even me – but someone else. So turning off me emotions for a minute, I can clearly see that things got overheated. I will last longer if I don’t stick up my head for a while. Things need to cool down for me to clearly assess the situation and figure out what to do next.

So for now I will have to use the approach that always helped me when things got out of control and none of my actions could change anything. I am turning myself off. I become invisible, a walking-but barely talking manikin, a surface with no filling. I will send my feelings on emotional break – to the most distant non-existent meadow, where soft green grass and a sweet aroma of field flowers will heal my soul. I will come back when it’s time, stronger and wiser.

To New Beginnings

2010-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes hope is all we have left. Hope helps overcome fear and face the facts. No matter how bad things are – there is always a way out. In fact too often it happens that a misfortune is simply a beginning of a new road that leads to new unimagined before happiness. There is an angel-guardian for each of us. Just as you think you can’t take it anymore, something unexpected happens. A phone call, a random encounter on the street, an article read – and suddenly you know exactly what to do. Or you feel some sort of relief and comfort just as you were about to give up.

If you don’t believe that things will get better, then nothing will keep you going every morning, when you just open your eyes. You will have no strength to get up and fight, and win. You will have no energy to wait till winter is over and spring is here to recharge you. You will have no enthusiasm to keep your heart open, so you will fail to notice any new opportunities that life throws at us in abundance.
Don’t let your heart freeze so that even the hottest rays of the sun are unable to melt the ice. Stay hopeful, hang on to anything good that you can find in your daily routine: a smile of a child, a pretty photo, a kind word. If you believe with your whole heart – even giant mountains will begin to shift aside out of your way to happiness.

Farewell to You

2009-12-30T08:51:00.000-08:00

So the time has come to say good bye to the year 2009. It was a good year to me – it was actually just the way I wanted it to be: stable event-wise, but rich in new emotions and feelings. I will miss so many things about this year: songs that made me feel sad, warm Florida air during my vacation, people that walked away from me into a new life. I will miss being 29 – that last chance to be in my twenties and refer to myself as a “girl”. I am learning to live with a new concept of being a woman: I am supposed to be wiser, more mature and more feminine. I am supposed to be stronger too – but I don’t know about that. Sometimes I feel like new experiences only make me more vulnerable and prompt me to shut people out and hide deeper inside. I learned to appreciate solitude and silence.

I lived with dignity and determination through the biggest challenge of the year. I didn’t let the emotions take over – and the outcome was exactly right, I came out totally innocent from the story in which I could have been almost a criminal. Even if I hurt someone it was totally unintentional and I made everything in my power not to let things go too far. I had my closure and I am hoping to be able to let it go completely in a new year. This story is over. Even though my mind and my heart keep going back to it, it’s totally over. Period. No roll-over. No continuation. Farewell to you.

It’s Real

2009-12-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

All people are pretending. They are pretending to be someone else: someone better, someone worse, or simply someone totally different. They pretend they like you to please you. Just in case they will need you in the future even though the probability is too small. They pretend they want to spend time with you just because that’s the only option they currently have, unless they prefer loneliness which they don’t. So living in the world where everyone is wearing masks pushes you to have a set of masks too. You become a master of fake smiles, a small talk pro; you learn to adjust, conform, and disengage.

But then someone comes alone who is sincere about their feelings. Someone who looks right through you and sees things inside that even you are unaware of. And moreover – he likes what he sees, he likes YOU! Without any efforts from your side… That’s when it begins to overpower you with a range of mixed emotions. You feel grateful for this kind of recognition, for attention and admiration. You feel vulnerable because someone was able to penetrate through your disguise and see the things you normally don’t allow to be seen. You feel flattered, you feel beautiful.

But then comes the biggest yet the most dangerous feeling – the feeling of power. One gaze – and he is your slave forever. He likes you not because he knows you – he feels you, which makes him fatally attached. He breaks through the walls to get inside your world just to find he is unable to get out. He is a bird trapped in a cage – it’s up to you whether to have mercy and let him go or to keep him trapped forever. Can you be strong enough to part with this kind of power?

It's Okey to Love

2009-12-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

The other day I was watching the movie “Idiot” based on the immortal book by Dostoevsky. It swamped me with so many thoughts and ideas about the complexity of the human nature and all the things hidden inside of us waiting for something to trigger their liberation.

I was thinking about the biggest conflict of interests you can imagine: between “I want” and “I can’t”. Most of us live our lives the way we should, few dare to rebel and follow their heart – to face self-destruction or to get hurt, switch gears and go back to living in a mode of commonly accepted normalcy. Adolescence is probably the only time when we risk things, risk experimenting through which we could find and define ourselves.

So you get married which in return for comfort and stability brings so many limitations to your life. There are people who were born for marriage, there are people who should stay away by all means. But some of us are stuck in the middle – we get married because we are better off this way, but then we feel trapped, marriage consoles and suffocates us all at once. This intense contradiction can exhaust anyone, it fills you with guilt and almost self-hatred.

The hardest part is to admit to yourself – no one else - that there are still things that you want. You cannot change overnight just because you got married. So you still “crave” things that you did when you were single. You still want to be liked. To be loved. To be desired. You are still capable of having a crush on someone else, even though you love your spouse. And when someone has a crush on you, it still gives you butterflies in your stomach. You cannot cut off all those things that you are feeling. So what you do is you start fighting, ignoring or hiding them from yourself. But they find a way to haunt you: sometimes through your dreams, sometimes through a love movie that resonates so painfully in your heart. And one day you just reach the point when you are done hiding: you want to cut your heart open and see what’s inside. You want to admit and accept things that scared the hell out of you before. You are a Woman. You love LOVE. You are free.

To Be or Not to Be

2009-12-28T08:11:00.001-08:00

If you make a mistake in life – somehow the situation repeats itself after a while, just when you thought it’s all forgotten. As if you are forced to relive it again but do it right this time. And you still feel tempted to do it wrong but this time you know about the consequences…

So I came up with two possible explanations. One is that the situation will keep repeating itself until you react properly and break the cycle. But the problem is that sometimes the right decision is unknown, it pretty much needs to be guessed – which puts us under the risk of making a few mistakes before we finally come to the right answer.

The second theory is that we cannot really change ourselves – we are what we are. But learning to accept ourselves is something that we need to do. When it finally happens, we are in control of the situation, we turn off the emotions and the right decision is right there on the surface. Pure logic. We will then be able to disengage ourselves from the situation, everything seems to be the same but we no longer care.

I don’t know what to believe. I want to do the right thing. But I don’t want to kill my emotions. I want to feel what I feel today even knowing that tomorrow will inevitably bring the pain. So next time the situation repeats itself, I am clueless where the victory will go to in the logic-vs.-heart battle.

Time to Let Go

2009-12-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

When you have to let go of something that you want to hold on to, that you want to be yours… When you have to do the only possible RIGHT thing… Your mind gives you a hundred reasons why to do so. But your heart gives your just one reason not to: that’s NOT what I want it says. There are social norms we have to go by, there are moral duties; you proved the case to yourself over and over, you promised to stick with the decision. Then why are you such an emotional wreck right now?

We cannot help feeling attached sometimes and what’s wrong with that? It doesn’t hurt anyone but you, right? The problem is you don’t know where it stops. The further you go, the worse the ending is going to be. From little scratch it goes to an open bleeding wound that nothing seems to heal.

We are done with the matter; we put it in a heavy chest, lock it and throw away the key for good. But one unexpected word – and somehow you are holding the key again, ready to revive the buried secret.

I made my list of reasons. I memorized it. I rehearsed every word I should or shouldn’t say. I followed the protocol. I let go. But it keeps coming back and I don’t know if I am strong enough to keep letting it go so many more times.