I thought I
was over the whole 'what people think' problem but apparently I'm not. And the
vibes coming my way from certain double-faced people still get to me. It's not
even the need to prove myself because that would mean playing their games, which
I'm done with long ago. It's the fact that they still manage to belittle me in
my own eyes, to poison me into thinking that I'm worse than them.
That need to
be validated by others can push us in all the wrong directions. I should know
better by now but I still cannot help feeling sad. Painful memories from my
adolescent years perhaps? I was showing the old photos to my son, saying
"this girl here used to be my best friend but then she no longer was
because..." and I still don't have a clear "because" to why she
chose not to be my friend at some point. Somehow I did not fit into her perfect
picture any more. Back then I felt hurt and lonely, today I just feel bitter.
Or maybe the
problem is that I am too quick to withdraw. Like a delicate flower I shut close
at the first sign of danger, however imaginary it is. And mostly I don't give
second chances. I realize that my friendliness is the best way to disarm their
well-hidden animosity, that rather than waste my time on mulling over their
hostile glances I can smile at them and move on. And focus on nurturing that
inner light, the unconditional love that's theirs to take if they want. For
free. The kindness and forgiveness that will envelop me like in a cocoon and
make the attitude and opinion of others irrelevant. Because once I am
transformed into a new serene state of being, I leave my old form behind, in
the ugly world of the earthly insects. My soul is now a butterfly and I am born
to fly free. I am nothing but perfection, the beauty in and out.
